These last few weeks have been really hectic. We have made a lot of progress on the bathroom, but we still aren't done. There is this whole huge saga dealing with the grout in the shower, but I don't feel like going into it right now. Instead, I am going to just say that I hope we will be done in a couple more weekends. And when it is ALL done, I will post some pictures of all of our hard work.
But we won't be working on it THIS weekend. This weekend, my lovely husband and I are going to be heading up to Asheville NC for a weekend away. We will be staying at an absolutely amazing hotel, we will be treating ourselves to a "spa day" on Sunday, and we will just be enjoying each other's company. I can't wait to get on the road tomorrow morning!
I also wanted to say a few words about my activities today. My friend Jill had a baby 2 weeks ago. The first time I talked to her after her little boy was born, she was telling me about how she felt those first few minutes after her son came into this world. I know that she meant no malice with her words, but they stung so deeply. After I hung up the phone with her, I cried. I don't have to explain it to you all - you all know it is because I am worried that I will never know that feeling - those first few moments when you see your baby. When I made plans to go see them today, I was worried I would break down.
But I didn't. I actually held that sweet little bundle of joy for an hour or so, and I never shed a tear. I didn't even feel that black hole that normally swallows my heart. I took in deep breaths of sweet baby smell and kissed his tiny little baby feet and gently stroked his soft downy hair. And for the first time in a LONG time, I was truely happy holding someone else's baby.
Does this mean I am cured? (Rhetorical question - I know the answer is probably not...but give a girl a chance to dream!)
I really do hope that one day in the near future I will be holding our little bundle of joy...
Oh - I know I didin't give you all an update on the possible baby - this was not the child meant for us as the situation has gotten stickier and the baby probably won't be given up for adoption. But at least it was a possibility. And maybe that will mean that another situation will come along later.
3 comments:
Carli, you guys are awesome with all your home improvement projects. I can't believe how much you've done on that house! And please do post pictures. I hope you have a wonderful holiday weekend off and an amazing spa day. That sounds like so much fun! When you wrote about your friend explaining how she felt when she first saw her baby, I hurt for you. Feelings of sadness came flooding back to me. It is so hard to hear things like that when you don't know if you'll ever have your own child. I have hope that you still will someday be able to experience that. I am so glad to hear that you were able to visit your friend and hold the baby without feeling all the hurt. I am so awestruck by you. You are such an amazing woman and friend and are so strong. I love you, dear friend.
Carli, I am so very happy that you and Derek decided to take this weekend to go away for a trip and treat yourselves to spa fun. You have been working so hard on your bathroom and it has only gotten more frustrating as it gets closer to being done. It has been a lot of eat, sleep, work, and more work for you lately. I hope this weekend is all that you need right now and that you truly enjoy your time away from home.
As for your story about your friend Jill, I cried when I read all of it. My heart was breaking for you when you talked about listening to your friend recount her story. It can be so painful feeling like you are sitting on the sidelines of life and wanting to be there for a friend, but not wanting to repeatedly put your heart on the line and not feel selfish about it. But I cried just as much as I read about the tender moment you had holding her baby. It was so very sweet and touching. I give you a lot of credit for sharing these stories as they are so deeply personal.
Love you!
Oh sweetie, I'm so proud of you but remember, you don't have to be cured of anything because there's nothing wrong with you.
And to answer your question, you WILL feel that way one day. It won't matter how that baby gets to you but the first time you hold him/her in your arms you will feel what your friend talked about. Remember, it's about love and I know how much of that you have to give.
Sending you lots of hugs
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