7 Week Ultrasound

The 7 Week Ultrasound showed....

One Healthy Baby with a Beating Heart.  High initial beta numbers apparently don't always necessarily correspond with more than one baby.  But without further ado, I present to you our baby!!!

Isn't S/He Beautiful?

Everything is measuring right on schedule for 7 weeks.  Dr. C took some time showing us the yolk sack/fetal pole, spinal cord, etc.  But every single time there was a heartbeat to be seen, she pointed to it with her finger.  From my position lying on the table with my feet in stirrups, I didn't get to see it.  I felt like a failure for not being able to see it myself.  Next time, I will make sure that I get to see it.  Derek did get to see the flutter and assures me it was there.  I want to cry...

We go back in 2 weeks for another ultrasound (at 9 weeks).  This will be our graduation day from the RE.  I didn't think I would ever get to type those words.

I am in awe.  I have a baby growing inside me.

A Word to my Stalkers

After reading some of your comments on my post from yesterday, I felt it was necessary to provide you with a large detail I left out.

The ultrasound isn’t until 2:30 Eastern today.

I know, that sucks big time.  I would much rather have had an appointment first thing this morning so that I could have had all day to stare in awe at the little blueberry sized growth in my uterus.

Instead, I am at work.  ATTEMPTING to be productive.

Did you see the word attempting?  Yeah, so far I haven’t really BEEN that productive.  Hmmm.  I wonder why?

Anywho – if you are planning on blog stalking me today, don’t plan on seeing any update that says anything other than “I am anxious” or “I am nauseas” or “Dagnabbit, could time move any slower?” or, perhaps in a drastic change of pace “I balance Accounts Receivable”.

No sense in us ALL being slackers today because of my ultrasound, right?  I promise I will post as soon as I can.

Thanksgiving Weekend In Review

First of all, let me say that when I woke up on Thursday morning, I realized just how much I had to be thankful for this year.  Before my feet even hit the floor (in a mad rush to empty my bladder yet AGAIN), I said a few prayers to God for all that I am thankful for this year.  Here is a list of what I am thankful for:

• I am immensely thankful for Derek - he is my rock and my companion.  It isn't always smooth sailing, but even on the worst days, I don't know how I could live without him.
• I am thankful for both of our families.  I can't say that there aren't times that I would change something about a specific family arrangement - but these people are truly great people and I am so blessed to have them in my life.
• I am thankful for my puppies - during the worst of times, there wasn't much that comforted me more than these 2 precious pooches who are (as I type) snuggled up close on either side of me.
• I am thankful that we sold our house and that we are being blessed with many opportunities to follow our dreams.
• I am thankful for my friends - both those IRL and those online.  The IRL ones have been there to let me cry on their shoulders, even if they didn't fully understand the pain I was in at the time.  The online ones have been there to walk beside me and hold my hand in this journey that is infertility.  I don't know how I would have made it through this journey without each and every one of them.
• And, lastly, but not least importantly, I was thankful for the opportunity to be carrying this little life (or lives) inside of me.  The journey has been more than 5 years long now.  I can't say I have enjoyed every minute of it.  But I can say that I am thankful to be 7 weeks pregnant.

We traveled to my grandmother's house in Carrollton GA to celebrate the holiday with part of my family.  The entire family doesn't know yet - I wanted to wait until after the ultrasound to share the news with everyone else - but my mother and my grandmother kept telling me that I was absolutely glowing.  I am sure that is my sheer happiness shining though.  Dinner was great - with the exception of the turkey and dressing that I couldn't eat - my aunt and uncle brought these items and they were carried in containers that had been stored in moth balls.  I don't know if it was a mental thing, but I could smell the moth balls when I lifted the fork to my mouth and I just couldn't eat it.

In other news, Thanksgiving week has also brought with it a delightful bout of morning sickness.  So far, it has only manifested itself in food aversions and nausea - I haven't spent any time hugging the porcelain bowl.  Yet.  The funniest thing about morning sickness arriving?

Well, let's rewind to pre-pregnancy days.  I read posts on the BBC and on blogs of friends who had gotten pregnant before me who were experiencing morning sickness.  Although I never said it out loud or commented on this fact, I often thought that it was odd that someone who had tried so hard would complain about something as trivial as morning sickness.  I mean, shouldn't you be happy to have this pregnancy symptom?

Now I understand what all the complaining was about.  Even though I haven't tossed any cookies, I didn't comprehend just how terrible it would be.  In addition to constantly feeling as if you are going to hurl (as if that wasn't bad enough), you have the guilt of the fact that you aren't eating a well balanced meal for the life you are carrying.  I know that broccoli and a grilled chicken breast would really be great for my developing child.  But just the thought of broccoli makes me queasy and grilled chicken tastes like eating a sponge.  I know I should eat better for my baby, but french fries seem to be going down so much better than any veggie that you could cook up.  I am trying to learn what settles well and what doesn't so that I can know what to eat, but some things that sound delicious don't end up settling so well.  Any tips that those of you who survived morning sickness can provide to a novice?

Other than battling the ocean of nausea, the days after Thanksgiving have been spent getting settled in our new place, washing laundry, and napping.  Yup.  Napping.  I have been so tired that I have taken at least a 2 hour nap each afternoon and still went to bed at about 8 each night.  This next week will be a tough one - I don't think my boss would take to kindly to me taking a nap under my desk in the afternoons. 

Lastly, and perhaps the most exciting portion of this post - our ultrasound is tomorrow.  I had the best intentions of creating some sort of poll to see what the consensus is on the number of babies I am carrying (napping won as you can see that I didn't get THAT done).  I know there is some speculation as to whether or not there are 2 in there, and I must admit that there are times that I feel as if we might be doubly blessed.  But I am hoping and praying for a healthy heartbeat - 2 would be just - well, I think I would be speechless.

So, keep your fingers crossed and say some prayers that my meeting with "THE WAND" tomorrow will be the best one yet.  I will be back tomorrow to give you all the details!  Wish us luck!!!

6 1/2 Weeks Pregnant and Moving Day

I know I have been a bad, bad blogger.  I haven’t posted.  I haven’t commented.  I have barely had time to read any posts by anyone else.  But I have a some very good excuses.  And I am going to make up for this absence with a really long post.

All Moved

Last Wednesday (the day of my big scare), my In-Laws arrived to help us pack up all of our house.  We worked from Thursday through Monday packing up and cleaning the house.  I say “WE” loosely.  I packed, but I didn’t really lift anything heavy.  So, I didn’t work as hard as everyone else who packed up our house, but it didn’t keep me from being absolutely exhausted.  I did try to take it easy and took breaks when I felt like I needed to rest.  A couple of days I actually laid down and rested for a while mid afternoon.  And I was probably asleep within 30 minutes to an hour after dinner each of these nights. 

A few thoughts about moving while newly pregnant: 

·       When you are a control freak, it is really hard to stand back and let other people pack up all of your belongings – if you were packing those items, you would inevitably do something different than what they are doing, even if it is something that is very tiny.  You hold your tongue and you try not to be frustrated because, after all, they are there to HELP YOU.  It isn’t as if you are paying them to do this favor for you.  This is extremely difficult, however, with the emotional roller coaster of pregnancy hormones.  Luckily, I have a wonderful mother in law who made a statement about how hard it must be to watch others do this for you and to just let go.  Perhaps I am kidding myself to think that I hid any frustrations I was feeling, but I hope that she left understanding just how much I appreciated all that they did.  Enormously.  I truly hope that I hid any frustration I was feeling, but I worry that I didn’t do a very good job of this. 

·       In addition to having to “let go of the control”, there was another frustration as well.  When you are used to being pretty self sufficient,  having to wait on others to lift a box for you is quite frustrating.  I mean, it is totally different when the box weighs as much as an elephant and  you wouldn’t even contemplate lifting it.  But when it is only “heavy”?  You pack a couple of boxes and next thing you know you don’t really have room to work until someone comes to your rescue.  You see others struggling to lift something you would normally help carry and you want to rush to pull your weight.  And any item you are seen lifting, you get a lecture before they even know what is in the bag/box.  (Read:  I got a lecture for carrying a bag filled with TOILET PAPER rolls).  However, when you ask for help with a specific item and 2 days later you are still having to ask for help with that item?  Take that and the emotional roller coaster of pregnancy hormones and – Well -  you get the picture about how frustrating it got for me. 

·       Did I mention the emotional roller coaster created by pregnancy hormones?  I cried frequently over the 5 day packing period.

The good news is that we are all packed up and moved into our rental place.  Our house is empty, the floors are sparkly clean, the baseboards are wiped, the paint is touched up (by Derek, not me).  Our belongings are stored either in our rental house, the rented 28 foot trailer, OR with my in-laws.  I won’t go so far as to say that we are settled in our rental house, but we are there. 

A Last Goodbye

On Monday and Tuesday night, we were finishing up the last of the packing.  You know those things – the ones you aren’t quite sure what to do with that just never made it into a box?  And the cleaning supplies?   Now, did I mentioned the emotional roller coaster of pregnancy hormones?  I am assuming it would have been just as bad if we had only lived in the house for 5 years and it was just filled with memories.  But, since we remodeled this house inside and out?  Well, I found myself looking at each room and thinking that it would be the last time I saw that room.  I thought about what it looked like before we started, while we worked on it, and a memory of that room from us living there.  And I cried.  In. Each. Room.

I think that by the time we actually pulled out of the driveway the last time, Derek had rolled his eyes at my tears and had asked me if I really wanted to sell the house a million times.  I am sure he thought I was nuts.

SOLD

Closing was today at 9am.  We have officially sold our house.  I guess I should no longer call it “our house”.  It is an intense relief and also a strange feeling, all at the same time.  I think about the last time we sold houses, although it was a new beginning, we knew exactly where we were going to be living.  By this time in the journey, you were already decorating your new home in your head.  But since we don’t know WHERE we will be living, it is a different sort of feeling.  It is liberating to know that we have the freedom to start fresh somewhere new, but it is also a scary idea – especially considering the fact that we are now expecting a baby or two.  I am ready to start looking forward to the next journey and taking those steps.  If only I can keep my eyes open…

Which Brings Me To…

6 ½ Weeks Pregnant!

BabyCenter sent me an email on Friday letting me know I had reached the 6 week mark.  Each day, I am now officially the most pregnant I have ever been.  According to the BBC, my baby(ies) is the size of a lentil and is working his/her way up to a blueberry by this coming Friday.  I am starting to get really tired.  As I type this, I am struggling to stay awake at work (which explains why I am typing a long assed post instead of working on balancing AR – this task will probably keep my eyes open and the drool at bay for a longer period of time).  Nausea has started to creep in – mainly when I am hungry and don’t get to eat soon enough or when I am faced with eating something like broccoli.  Fruits are still appealing and going down pretty well, but veggies?  Well, unless you count baked potatoes and French fries as veggies – not so much.

Even though I didn’t think this mark would ever get here, we are less than 1 week away from our ultrasound.  There are moments that I think that there are 2 babies in there.  There are moments that I think there is just 1.   At this point, I am hoping to see a healthy heartbeat on Monday.  If there are 2 healthy heartbeats, I would be amazed and astounded.  But I think that regardless of the number in there, I will be ecstatic to see anything healthy.

Beta # 3, 21dp5dt

Sorry it has taken so long for me to update you all on the big scare today.  We have been quite busy.

I got in touch with Nurse J around 9:30 this morning.  She indicated that the fact that the bleeding had stopped was a good sign.  Although this was a good sign, I asked if there was anything else that they could do to offer me some reassurance.  She indicated that they would prefer not to do an ultrasound - it was too early to see a heartbeat and they felt a better idea would be for us to do another Beta.  She offered to hold their courier so that we could get the results back today.

Derek and I got in the car and drove to Alpharetta as quickly as we could.  After the blood draw, our Doctor and Nurse J talked to us.  They said over and over again that they really felt that it was nothing to worry about.  The bleeding could have been from my cervix, my vagina, or my uterus (and hopefully not the uterus).  Although I disagreed with this statement, Nurse J indicated that we would want to see anything 900 or above because of a possible plateau.  I think she didn't want me to have high hopes on a very high number.

They called this afternoon with my results - 11,708.  So, well above 900.  And, by my calculations, fairly close to doubling every 2 days.

So, it appears that the bleeding this morning was a false alarm.  The bleeding is probably related to the vaginal progesterone inserts that I am using.  I really hope this is the only episode of bleeding that I have.  I was really positive that I had lost the baby(ies).  Derek and I laid in the bed for those miserable 4 hours - holding each other and crying over how unfair it was.  When the bleeding slowed, we were finally able to fall into a fitful sleep.  Waiting on those test results was excruciating.  And when the results came in, I can't explain the relief I felt.  I said several prayers of thanks this afternoon.

To all of you who offered support, I appreciate all of your kind thoughts and your statements to help to calm me.  I don't know how anyone could survive infertility like the friends I have found in this community.  Thank you so much for all of the love.  Those of you who prayed, please keep them coming.

Prayers Needed Please

Last night, I started bleeding and cramping. Not spotting - full blown bleeding with clots. I bled for about 4 hours. The bleeding has stopped. A HPT still says pregnant. But I am so afraid that I lost the pregnancy.

The doctor did say that bleeding was very common with the type of progesterone I am taking, but I can't imagine that much is normal and isn't an indicator that something is seriously wrong.

I am hoping they will call me soon and offer some glimpse into what is going on rather than just saying we have to wait until the 29th.

Please say some prayers for us.

5 Weeks Pregnant and Preparing to Move

I am still having a hard time believing that I am pregnant - It seems as if it is all just a dream.  I really don't have too many symptoms yet, which is probably the main reason why I am having a hard time believing this is real.  I think that if I could, I would have my blood drawn every single day to make sure that the numbers are still rising.  There is just something so comforting about hearing that your numbers are doubling.  Even though the RE didn't want to do a 3rd Beta, I would have loved to have the reassurance of hearing the number.

I do have are slight cramping off and on - which, although this is completely normal, it is also quite freaky.  And I am having some moments of nausea here and there, but no vomit at this point.

I will be totally honest, though.  I am so scared that something is going to go wrong.  I know that the 2WW to find out if it worked was tough.  But the 2WW to find out if our baby or babies are growing as they should be is a tough one.  HOW do people handle this without freaking out completely???

In other news, we are preparing for the move.  Everything is on for the closing on the day before Thanksgiving.  So, we are starting to pack things up.  The thing is - I still can't lift over 25 lbs.  And, since most things don't have a weight stamped on them, determining what I can lift is a bit tough.  I am putting things in boxes and making Derek move them around.  My in laws are coming the help us pack things up, so I really don't have to do too much - they are very capable packers and I am so lucky to have them to help us.

But the problem is that when I am not doing anything to prepare for the move, I feel anxious about getting everything done.  Add that to the anxiety of waiting on the ultrasound and I start to freak out.  So, I have sorted out some things and packed a few boxes and that seems to have helped to abate the anxiety a bit.  In addition, we made a few lists of what needs to be done and what needs to go to the rental and that seems to have helped it too.

I just wish that I could fast forward to the Monday of our ultrasound.  Then the move would be over, we would be all settled in our rental house and we would know what is going on in there.

Beta #2, 13DP5DT

First of all, sorry for not posting with this info earlier in the day.  I know those of you who follow me and read often were probably blog-stalking and were wondering WHY I hadn't posted.  Work was busy today, so I didn't have a chance to email in my post (did you KNOW you can do that?  Really cool...)  AND, since we have sold our house and we close on the day before Thanksgiving, I have some packing to do...

Now, on to the news that you have all been waiting for:
Since my first Beta was at 431, we were hoping to see a second Beta of somewhere around 860 to have a 48 hour doubling.  My number was 957.  So, it did a little better than double. 

The nurse said this was a great result and they actually don't even want me to come in for a 3rd test.  My first ultrasound will be on Monday, November 29.  I don't know if we have one really strong little baby growing in there or if there are two.  I guess we will find out in a couple of weeks!  UGH!!! Another 2 week wait!

After that one day where I felt like I had a ton of symptoms, I really haven't had very many.  The nips are still different and the girls are huge.  I am still having some mild cramping off and on.  I am still waking up at night - I am not sure if this is really to pee or if it is all of the stuff running though my head.  And, I am a bit more tired tonight than I have been.

I really don't think that it has completely sunk in yet that we are pregnant.  But really, this is the most pregnant I have ever been.  I keep pinching myself to make sure that this isn't just a dream.  And if it is, nobody wake me up.

BETA #1, 11dp5dt

I just got my phone call from the clinic with our BETA results.

Me (heart pounding):  Hello

Nurse J:  Hi Sweetie, we got your results.

Me:  And?

Nurse J:  Well, you are definitely pregnant!

Me:  Yeah?  Awesome!  What were my numbers?

Nurse J: It is a good number.  431.

Me:  Wow!  Really?  That high?  I was hoping for 100.

Nurse J:   Well, we did test late, didn’t we?  Hmm.  No, only 1 day.  That is a good number.  Tell Derek we said Congratulations!!!

So, it is now official.  We are pregnant!  Our Estimated Due Date is July 16, 2011.

I go back Wednesday for Beta #2.  I am in absolute shock.

The Urine Speaks

I had a very restless night – I woke up around 2 am and I slept fitfully after then, tossing and turning and looking at the clock quite frequently.  I am sure this was partially due to the fact that I needed to pee, but I had to save that urine!!!  I would also venture to say that the suspense was killing me.  Finally, at about 6:15, I decided it was a decent enough hour to go ahead and get up.   Derek was apparently in the same boat as me, because he got up as well.

I did my thing and placed the stick to cure on the bathroom counter.  The hourglass blinked away but I couldn’t watch.  I turned my back and leaned against the counter, steeling myself for whatever the result was.  I closed my eyes and took a couple of breaths and visualized the result I wanted to see.  Then I glanced at Derek and he was looking at the test.  I looked down and saw one. GLORIOUS. word.  Just one. 

Pregnant.*

It couldn’t have been longer than a minute and a half, but there it was staring back at us. 

Derek and I hugged.  I cried.  And cried.  I know it is early and that a lot can still happen, but I am cautiously optimistic.  I will be happy for what I have today. 

I went to the Dr. for my blood draw and we will get those results this afternoon.  I am really hoping for a good strong number.**  Thank you for all of your thoughts and prayers for us throughout this journey.  Please keep us there as the journey continues.

*I took a picture with my iPhone, but it is too fuzzy to use for a post.  I also took one with my digital camera.  Perhaps I will update this post with my picture later.

**I did have a dream last night in which we got my first number back and it was 130.

I'm Scared

I haven’t caved in and tested yet.  I thought about it this morning.  I even opened the drawer and looked at the box, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it.

At this point, I haven’t POAS in over a year.  Not for OPKs and not for HPTs.  I haven’t had any need to.  AF has arrived right on schedule every month.  And, let’s face it.  After having 26 embryos not make it, I am pretty sure that it would be an absolute miracle if we ended up with a natural pregnancy.

I guess I had forgotten just how much anxiety that HPTs cause for me.  I have only seen that elusive BFP once in my life.  ONCE.  On a Cle.ar Bl.ue Ea.sy Digital.  But I have seen more BFNs that I can count OR I care to mention.  Digitally, Single Lined, in my blood.  You name it, I’ve had it telling me that I won’t be a mommy.  But when you haven’t been actively pursuing treatments, it is really easy to push the heartache of all of those BFNs to the back of your mind.

Maybe I should revise that statement.  It isn’t as if I forgot about all of those BFNs.  It is just that the intense pain of seeing another one is easier to forget about.  Every day, I still remember that I can’t have children as easily as others.  And every day I wish that was different.  But I don’t spend every day staring down at another BFN with tears streaming down my face.

This last year of not actively “trying” has been a nice break from all of that heartache.  It wasn’t as if AF showing up didn’t make me feel pain.  But at least I wasn’t cursing her name every month.  It was just a fact of life.  She came, she left, she came again.  I know all of you that have taken a break know what I mean.  The pain is still there, but the wound is scabbed over and has been healing.  It is no longer gaping and bleeding and throbbing with every breath you take.  And testing to see if this Hail Mary cycle has worked?  Well, it is like ripping off the bandage that is covering that wound.  You don’t know if you are going to be pulling the scab off and starting the pain all over again or if you are going to see some healthy pink skin leaving only a scar to remind you of all that you went through to get here.

This is it for us. 

Unless we somehow are gifted some embryos, we won’t have the opportunity for another try with Donor Embryos.  Since we went through our clinic, we get one shot with 2 embryos when our name reaches the top.  There is no second chance unless we go back to the bottom of the list and wait another 2 years.  I know there are other options and places to get donor embryos.  But I don’t know if I am up to investing in a totally new program at this point.  If I have to go through a home study to get embryos, I think I will just complete the home study for adoption instead.

This morning, after I shut the drawer and got in the shower, just thinking about testing made my heart race and it made me feel very anxious.  I haven’t been able to shake that feeling since then.

My heart is pounding even as I type this.  Maybe it is the finality of it all.  But I am really scared that I will see another BFN staring back at me and I don’t know if I can do this.  I don’t know if I can take another one.  I really want to see a scar there, but I am so afraid that it is just going to be an open wound staring back at me… 

Checking in at 7DPT

I had this great title for this post in my head, but I forgot it. 

Speaking of forgetting, I also drove almost halfway home before I remembered that my dogs needed to be picked up from the vet, even though I had the thought in my mind when I drove my car out of the lot.  I walked into the back parking lot looking for my car and panicked when I couldn't find it (I was parked out front).  I was making myself some hot tea at work and I forgot to put the water in the microwave - I dropped the tea bag into the cold water to steep and then wondered why the microwave was taking so long.  I can't tell you the number of times I walked into the room with the printer only to forget that I walked in there to get paper off of the printer.  And I forgot numerous other things as well.

And as if being uber forgetful was not enough, the following symptoms have also graced me with their presence.

I have gas.  Really stinky gas.  And I am constipated.

I am exhausted.

I have a headache.

The girls are sore.

My nipples look different and are more sensitive  (Note:  This little jewel was pointed out to me by my husband last night.  I don't typically get "nipply" when it is cold.  He didn't even realize this could be a symptom of pregnancy...)

I have felt very nauseous several times today.  Including right now.

My water bottle (filled today at the office) tasted distinctly like dirt.

I am having mild cramps.

Between last night and today, I spent quite a bit of time googling "Early Pregnancy Symptoms" and "Cramping in Early Pregnancy"*.  I did determine that many of these symptoms are caused by increases in estrogen and progesterone. Since I am dosing myself up with these hormones, I fully realize that many of these symptoms could be explained away simply as a side effect so I am trying to keep my excitement in check.

As if you couldn't tell from my post earlier today, I seriously believe that time has stopped.  Perhaps this is because I find it extremely hard to keep my mind off of the million dollar question while at work.  I don't know why, but I can push these thoughts out of my head while I absorb myself into a movie.  While I am supposed to be preparing monthly totals for a report or testing the latest upgrade to our software, I can't seem to focus on work because all I can think about are ALL THINGS PREGNANCY RELATED.

When I got home today, I almost caved and POAS.  I actually had the box in my hand.  Instead of pulling one out and running for the toilet, I settled for covering up the result that I wish to not see and focusing on the one I do want to see.  After all, why waste one on afternoon urine when everyone knows that FMU is the best???  Right now, my goal is to hold out until Saturday morning.  I may cave tomorrow morning and I may chicken out on Saturday morning.

UGH!  I completely forgot how much the 2WW SUCKS!

* I know, you want to ask yourself "Seriously?  Shouldn't she know all of this by now?"  You know I do, I just needed validation.

Tick...

....................................................................................Tock..............................................................Tick.................

You get the picture.

I really don't think time could be passing any more slowly.

Today Was a Better Day...

After I logged off last night, I listened to my pod cast.  Between that and the list of things to pack that I wrote down, I finally slept better last night.  I still woke up several times, but thankfully, each time I was able to fall asleep again without packing the kitchen in my head.

I really like the Thinking Positive meditation.  It seems to be speaking to me exactly where I am right now.  During my meditation last night, I was visualizing a BFP, a swollen belly, and us as a family when these sweet little babies arrive.  I think that this was very instrumental in having a more positive mood about it today.  I hope that sticks around for tomorrow as well.

In addition, I had no desire to POAS today.  Thank goodness, right?  I think that I will POAS on Saturday morning at the earliest.  That would be 9DPT.  OR, I will wait and test on Monday morning.  That would be 11DPT and the date of my beta.  As of right now, I can't decide which date to test...

Where I am 5DPT

I know, such an original post title.

Up until today, I have been feeling extremely positive about this cycle.  Today, however, I had a set back.  It wasn't as if anything bad happened.  I just got a little freaked out.

Perhaps it is the hormones.  Perhaps it is the lack of sleep.  Perhaps it is just that there is SOOOO MUCH going on in our lives right now that is looking positive and I am waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Here is what happened.  I woke up this morning with the strong desire to POAS.  Perhaps I should explain.  Realistically, I know that POAS 5DPT is really not the greatest idea.  In most situations, it would be WAY to early to see a positive result.  But, I didn't get to this point in my journey with my head in the sand.  I have seen quite a few people who POAS'd on day 5 and got a BFP.

I WANTED TO BE ONE OF THOSE.  I REALLY DID.

And at one of the 17 million times that I woke up last night, I began thinking about POASing when I got up.  I even consciously held my urine in so that I would have good strong FMU to test with.

But, when I got up, I chickened out.  I began to reason to myself that my luck has got to be about to run out.  I convinced myself that if I did test, that damned NOT PREGNANT would be starring back at me.  And I just couldn't do it.

The funniest thing about this is that (apparently) convincing myself that a BFN would be the result was almost as if I had actually POAS and gotten that result.  I spent my day having moments where I blinked back the tears as I worried about What If?

And then the REA (Real Estate Agent) was calling about the scheduling of the home inspection and the appraisal.  Have I mentioned how much I dislike our REA?  She is not my favorite person.  Derek was supposed to be handling all communications with her.  I digress.  Conversations with her stress me out as it is.

And we have been dealing with moving companies and rental locations for the last few days.

Add all of this together and I began to feel overwhelmed.  What if the contract on the house falls through during this next week?  What if the buyers don't get their financing approved and we don't find out until our whole house is packed up?  What if all the rentals we like fill up while we are waiting on the assurance that the deal will fall through. 

And of course - with that digital NOT PREGNANT visualized in my head.  The biggest fear was What if this cycle didn't work??? 

And I ended up sitting in my car and crying on the phone to my friend Melissa (thanks for listening!).

After my cry, we went to re-visit the rental house that we really wanted to live in for our interim.  (Our first visit, we didn't see a place to walk the dogs and he said we could come back over to see the "back yard that wasn't included in the tour).  The place will be perfect.  The owner of the house appears to really like us.  We told him that we would completely understand if someone came along between now and then and he wanted to rent to them.  He told us that they considered us to be the perfect renters and that he had no problems holding the house for us.  He will be a great landlord.

The dogs are now fed.  Dinner is now cooked and the dishes are all washed and put up.  And I have blogged and commented.  AND I made a list at work of all of the packing details that I keep working through as I am trying to sleep in the hopes that I will sleep better tonight.

I think I will go listen to my Meditation Pod Cast in the hopes that I will be back to my positive thinking by tomorrow morning.  Things are already getting back on track.

Everything is going to be JUST FINE.  Everything is going to be JUST FINE.  Everything is going to be JUST FINE.