More specifically, the reminders of it.
You know how it is. As the TTC trouble grows, so do the reminders of your infertility.
There are OPKs under your sink; BBT thermometers on your nightstand; a calendar dedicated soley to your TTC journey - AF, O, BDing, OPK results, POAS results, which days to take which meds, U/S appointments, bloodwork, HSG; the folder of all of the research you have done and all of the test results; the discs with your 2 HSGs on them and the one with your MRI for your disfunctional uterus; the folder with all of the hospital documents from the one week in your life you were actually "one of them".
Then, there is all of the paperwork from your IVF cycles - pictures of embryos, transfer instructions, medication schedules...all of the unused syringes and the sharps container and the alcohol wipes...all of the remaining doses of Endometrim from the IVF cycle that you "might be pregnant" that you had to order *just in case* and then ended up not needing them.
Before you know it, this stuff is scattered all over your house. You open a cabinet door to pull out the recipe for Chicken Tetrazini and you see a whole shelf full of reminders staring back at you. (You then pull out the recipe for Chocolate Cake instead...)
The point is, although you may know that all of this stuff is scattered about your house and you probably know where every single item is, it still serves as a reminder of what will never be - EVERY WHERE YOU TURN.
So today, I did the only healthy thing I could think of. I packed it all up in a box and put it in the closet. I will have the documents if I ever need them. And I will have a sterile syringe should I ever need to give someone an injection of ???? STAT.
Packing all of the "IF Stuff" into a box makes me feel like I am packing my infertiltiy away, too. It feels healing - like I am moving on past the infertility to something bigger and better. The best way I can describe the feeling? Remember when you were young (long before you met Mr. Right) and some boy absolutely BROKE your heart? You really didn't want to give up on the dream of him, so you left out his pictures and the stuffed animal he won for you and when you felt like REALLY torturing yourself you took out the letters he wrote you and read them again? And then, one day (after a new boy had been flirting with you), you finally packed up all the memories and put them in a box in the basement. Remember how FREAKING AWESOME that felt???
Well, it is a lot like that. I feel great about it. It just seemed like it was something I needed to do to be really ready to move forward with adoption.
Besides, that kitchen cabinet shelf is valuable real estate and I needed it back!
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Friday, January 15, 2010
Something I Love About Myself
After spending so much time the last several months feeling absolutley shitty* about the ways I am "broken" , I found myself doing a task that feels natural to me today - and I realized that this is something that I LOVE about myself.
Since this is a long weekend, Derek and I are going to work on the continued project that is our house. We will be remodeling the laundry room. This will consist of painting, adding in beaded board and trim, and tiling the floor.
I got home from work and I began my evening by making a list of the supplies we needed. I measured the room and calculated just how much of each supply that we needed.
I then checked our stock of supplies in our garage and determined that we had enough tile left from a previous project to complete the laundry room. I checked the grout we had on hand and determined that we had plenty. I checked the mortar and determined that we were a few square feet short. I checked the paint, screws, nails, backerboard, etc...
And then I got in the car and I headed to the hardware store, took a deep breath, and smiled.** I walked in the door, headed right to the aisles that held the materials I needed. I loaded up my cart with exactly what we needed. I spent some extra time in the tile aisle debating over the tile to use when we work on our next project (the master bath). Now, don't get me wrong, I did ask a salesperson to direct me to the transitions in brazilian cherry and I did ask a salesperson where the smallest bag of quickset mortar was, but I was on the right aisle when I asked and I just didn't want to waste my time searching. When I was finished, I went to the front of the store, checked out, loaded my car, and headed home.
The only thing I didn't buy was the beaded board supplies we needed for the walls. I had measured everything (including the size of the opening to my vehicle to ensure I didn't buy something I couldn't tote home) and was fully prepared to buy those items. But my husband convinced me that I had measured incorrectly and I needed to wait until the morning to buy those things. I think he was just upset that I didn't need his help. LOL!
The point of this post is that I love the fact that I feel comfortable when it comes to home improvement jobs. I can create the list of what we need, I can measure for it, I know what it looks like in the store, and a lot of it I can do myself. I may not feel comfortable with certain types of saws, but that is only because I sawed my thumb one time years ago. But for the most part, I can hold my own with the best of them. I know I am not the only woman in the world who can do this, but there are quite a few of them that wouldn't even consider this sort of task.
And for that, I am pretty darned proud!!!
And, because of this, there are a lot of people who ask me questions when they have a project in front of them. How to's? What would you's? What color would go with? And some of them are even males!!!
So there you have it. I love that about myself. And reminding myself that all of me isn't broken is an important part in healing. :o)
* I know, breaking resolution #1 there, but "bad" just didn't seem to describe it well enough! How could "bad" describe all of the tears that I have cried about the fact that my body just doesn't seem capable of creating a baby even with medical assistance...I think this curse was justified.
**I love the smell of home improvement stores. Especially the millworks area.
Since this is a long weekend, Derek and I are going to work on the continued project that is our house. We will be remodeling the laundry room. This will consist of painting, adding in beaded board and trim, and tiling the floor.
I got home from work and I began my evening by making a list of the supplies we needed. I measured the room and calculated just how much of each supply that we needed.
I then checked our stock of supplies in our garage and determined that we had enough tile left from a previous project to complete the laundry room. I checked the grout we had on hand and determined that we had plenty. I checked the mortar and determined that we were a few square feet short. I checked the paint, screws, nails, backerboard, etc...
And then I got in the car and I headed to the hardware store, took a deep breath, and smiled.** I walked in the door, headed right to the aisles that held the materials I needed. I loaded up my cart with exactly what we needed. I spent some extra time in the tile aisle debating over the tile to use when we work on our next project (the master bath). Now, don't get me wrong, I did ask a salesperson to direct me to the transitions in brazilian cherry and I did ask a salesperson where the smallest bag of quickset mortar was, but I was on the right aisle when I asked and I just didn't want to waste my time searching. When I was finished, I went to the front of the store, checked out, loaded my car, and headed home.
The only thing I didn't buy was the beaded board supplies we needed for the walls. I had measured everything (including the size of the opening to my vehicle to ensure I didn't buy something I couldn't tote home) and was fully prepared to buy those items. But my husband convinced me that I had measured incorrectly and I needed to wait until the morning to buy those things. I think he was just upset that I didn't need his help. LOL!
The point of this post is that I love the fact that I feel comfortable when it comes to home improvement jobs. I can create the list of what we need, I can measure for it, I know what it looks like in the store, and a lot of it I can do myself. I may not feel comfortable with certain types of saws, but that is only because I sawed my thumb one time years ago. But for the most part, I can hold my own with the best of them. I know I am not the only woman in the world who can do this, but there are quite a few of them that wouldn't even consider this sort of task.
And for that, I am pretty darned proud!!!
And, because of this, there are a lot of people who ask me questions when they have a project in front of them. How to's? What would you's? What color would go with? And some of them are even males!!!
So there you have it. I love that about myself. And reminding myself that all of me isn't broken is an important part in healing. :o)
* I know, breaking resolution #1 there, but "bad" just didn't seem to describe it well enough! How could "bad" describe all of the tears that I have cried about the fact that my body just doesn't seem capable of creating a baby even with medical assistance...I think this curse was justified.
**I love the smell of home improvement stores. Especially the millworks area.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
My Lone Maternity Shirt
I know that is probably a really odd title for a post on a blog of a person moving forward with adoption - because really, does a woman adopting need a maternity shirt??? Yeah, I didn't think so either.
A while back, while shopping at a Kohl's department store on my lunch hour, I bought a couple of shirts that were on a sale rack marked down to an incredible price. As I was in a rush, so I didn't try them both on. One of them was a beautiful shade of blue and had the gathered look below the breasts.
You know the kind - the ones that hang loose over your stomach and cleverly reveals any belly flab? The kind where people wonder if you are pregnant when you wear it?
Well, at the time, we were in the middle of our first IVF cycle and the bloat had set in. I was looking for a shirt to hide the IVF bloat and it seemed like it would be perfect. I checked the size and it was a Medium. Perfect.
Well, as the title of this post has hinted, it was - in fact - a maternity shirt. I didn't realize this until I was taking the tags off. For the first few minutes, I was completely embarassed. How "drunk on Gonal F" does one have to be to mistakenly buy a maternity shirt?
Well, after the redness drained from my face, I determined that I was going to keep it. After all, this WAS before I found out about the fragmented embryos and our dreams of biological children were still very vivid. So I tucked that puppy into my closet. I never wore it for fear that wearing it would jinx our chances of ever getting PG. But every time I thumbed through my long sleeve shirts looking for something to wear, I touched this beatiful blue blouse and dreamed of the children that would never grow in my belly and the day that I would finally get a chance to wear it.
Well, today I decided that I should rid my closet of this shirt. My friend Jill is now expecting her first child - a boy - and her husband has lost his job. I realized that this shirt would provide her with much more use than it would provide me just hanging in my closet.
So today, I gave away my lone maternity shirt. I don't feel sad about it. I think that I have accepted the fact that I will never need maternity clothes and giving it away was almost like a cleansing for me. Will I still look at that spot in my closet reserved for my solitary piece of clothing representing a baby? Maybe. But hopefully not every day.
A while back, while shopping at a Kohl's department store on my lunch hour, I bought a couple of shirts that were on a sale rack marked down to an incredible price. As I was in a rush, so I didn't try them both on. One of them was a beautiful shade of blue and had the gathered look below the breasts.
You know the kind - the ones that hang loose over your stomach and cleverly reveals any belly flab? The kind where people wonder if you are pregnant when you wear it?
Well, at the time, we were in the middle of our first IVF cycle and the bloat had set in. I was looking for a shirt to hide the IVF bloat and it seemed like it would be perfect. I checked the size and it was a Medium. Perfect.
Well, as the title of this post has hinted, it was - in fact - a maternity shirt. I didn't realize this until I was taking the tags off. For the first few minutes, I was completely embarassed. How "drunk on Gonal F" does one have to be to mistakenly buy a maternity shirt?
Well, after the redness drained from my face, I determined that I was going to keep it. After all, this WAS before I found out about the fragmented embryos and our dreams of biological children were still very vivid. So I tucked that puppy into my closet. I never wore it for fear that wearing it would jinx our chances of ever getting PG. But every time I thumbed through my long sleeve shirts looking for something to wear, I touched this beatiful blue blouse and dreamed of the children that would never grow in my belly and the day that I would finally get a chance to wear it.
Well, today I decided that I should rid my closet of this shirt. My friend Jill is now expecting her first child - a boy - and her husband has lost his job. I realized that this shirt would provide her with much more use than it would provide me just hanging in my closet.
So today, I gave away my lone maternity shirt. I don't feel sad about it. I think that I have accepted the fact that I will never need maternity clothes and giving it away was almost like a cleansing for me. Will I still look at that spot in my closet reserved for my solitary piece of clothing representing a baby? Maybe. But hopefully not every day.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
The Time Suck that is the World of Blogging
One thing that I have noticed is that the World of Blogging is a Time Suck for me.
I log onto my computer with the best intentions of getting something accomplished - whether it is researching an adoption agency or working on my course work for the volunteer tax program I am attempting to get certified for or paying bills online or whatever...
I see my Favorites button waving at me. I tell myself "It won't hurt to just jump on and check the BBC really quickly." So I do. And then, I think "I didn't hear from Katie (or insert name of other BBC friend that also blogs)" So, I jump over to my blog links. And the time suck begins.
First, I check on all the blogs I follow. And then, my eye catches a link to a blog they follow that has an interesting name or post title. Then, if I like the initial post, I made read several other posts from that blogger. And I then reason that if I like this blog and they like THAT blog, I have to check it out too! Fifteen blogs later, I have no idea how I made it to the specific blog that I am reading. And the worst part is, it is now an hour later and I still haven't accomplished what I intended to accomplish online. I really think this is a sickness, people! But, I have to say that I love reading the thoughts of other people in the IF community. It helps me to realize that everyone gets bitter. It helps me to realize that people succeed and make it to motherhood. And some of these women are downright witty and entertaining!
So then, if Derek hasn't been a wintess to how much time I have wasted randomly reading blogs, I will post on MY blog. (ahem, not that this happened TODAY or anything!!!)
OK, now that I have checked THAT off my list, I better go work on my certification before my volunteer coordinator gets testy that her volunteer isn't working hard enough.
But before I do that, I think I need to flip back over to the BBC to make sure that nothing has happened while I was gone reading blogs... :o)
I do want to thank the IFers who blog. And my IF friends from the BBC that encouraged me to join the world of blogging. Although it can be a time suck, it has helped with my sanity. (OK, at least I think it has. Those who know me IRL may still be contemplating the straight jacket!)
I log onto my computer with the best intentions of getting something accomplished - whether it is researching an adoption agency or working on my course work for the volunteer tax program I am attempting to get certified for or paying bills online or whatever...
I see my Favorites button waving at me. I tell myself "It won't hurt to just jump on and check the BBC really quickly." So I do. And then, I think "I didn't hear from Katie (or insert name of other BBC friend that also blogs)" So, I jump over to my blog links. And the time suck begins.
First, I check on all the blogs I follow. And then, my eye catches a link to a blog they follow that has an interesting name or post title. Then, if I like the initial post, I made read several other posts from that blogger. And I then reason that if I like this blog and they like THAT blog, I have to check it out too! Fifteen blogs later, I have no idea how I made it to the specific blog that I am reading. And the worst part is, it is now an hour later and I still haven't accomplished what I intended to accomplish online. I really think this is a sickness, people! But, I have to say that I love reading the thoughts of other people in the IF community. It helps me to realize that everyone gets bitter. It helps me to realize that people succeed and make it to motherhood. And some of these women are downright witty and entertaining!
So then, if Derek hasn't been a wintess to how much time I have wasted randomly reading blogs, I will post on MY blog. (ahem, not that this happened TODAY or anything!!!)
OK, now that I have checked THAT off my list, I better go work on my certification before my volunteer coordinator gets testy that her volunteer isn't working hard enough.
But before I do that, I think I need to flip back over to the BBC to make sure that nothing has happened while I was gone reading blogs... :o)
I do want to thank the IFers who blog. And my IF friends from the BBC that encouraged me to join the world of blogging. Although it can be a time suck, it has helped with my sanity. (OK, at least I think it has. Those who know me IRL may still be contemplating the straight jacket!)
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
My Resolutions/Goals
I have never been much of a resolution type of person. But for some reason, I thought this year might be a good idea to have some. So, here they are, in no particular order.
- I resolve to cut out (or at least drastically reduce) my usage of profanity. I have been so angry over the last few years that I have found that I drop the F bomb much more often that I would like. And when we finally bring a child into our home, I don't wan their first word to be Fu#%. You know? Plus, I don't think the social worker completing our Home Study would be too impressed if I answered her questions swearing like a sailor. Progress at the moment: So far, this resolution has not been a success. I am trying, but this one will have to be a work in progress. Rome wasn't built in a day and the profanity didn't get this bad overnight. I need to ween myself off.
- I resolve to not obsess over POAS or ovulation or BDing during our "window" each month of this year. And I will NOT let the 2WW rule my life this year. Progress at the moment: Pretty darned good. I didn't even write down the first day of my cycle on my calendar. Aren't you proud? I guess I should probably figure out the next approximate date of her arrival so that I can have the necessary supplies on hand. But I really don't feel like it. I think I will throw caution to the wind and just avoid wearing white pants. I have gone back to drinking coffee with the caffine in it. I drink wine WHENEVER I FEEL LIKE IT!!! So THIS is how the other half lives???
- I resolve to not put things in my life on hold because of upcoming fertility treatments or possible impending pregnancy (or now adoption related matters). Progress at the moment: Looking pretty good. So far, a discussion regarding a possible vacation did not send me into hysterics, not once did I consider not going due to the fact I might be PG, not once did I consider anything other than "Does that sound like fun?" It was QUITE liberating. It was a glimpse of what life was like before I became obsessed with TTC.
- I resolve to lose the last of that infertility weight. Progress so far: Not so good. I have yet to start a diet or head to the gym. But I am not too concerned about it right now. I have gone back to eating healthier (pre-holiday eating) and that is the first step.
- I resolve to try to be in a healthier place when dealing with OPP (Other People's Pregnancies). You know, let go of the resentment that it will NOT BE ME. Progress so far: Pretty good if I say so myself. I have an employee who I think is about to announce that she is lapping me for the second time. And, a co-worker and his wife that were undergoing IVF treatments informed me today that they are expecting. Twins. And I took it like a champ. So, I think I am doing pretty good so far.
A New Year, A New Plan
A new year has FINALLY arrived. I won't spend the time discussing just how much of a flop 2009 was in the realm of us becoming parents. You all know that story and are probably sick of hearing me whine about it. So, instead, I will focus on the events of the present or that are yet to come.
AF finally arrived while we were travelling for Christmas. (Told you the bitch had a plan. She never has liked me much anyway). So, that saga is finally over. And, for the first time in years, I didn't rush to put it on my calendar. Her arrival doesn't really mean much.
Anyway, in other important news - although I may not have blogged about it too much, we have decided in the last few weeks that we would be pursuing adoption for sure. We just hadn't moved forward on the process much. Between our work schedules and the holidays, it just kept getting postponed. So I bought a couple of books on the subject and during our 9 hour travel up to visit with Derek's family for Christmas, we discussed the nitty gritty details of our comfort level with certain areas of adoption. I am feeling much better about this path now that I know that our ideas of acceptable are not that far apart from each other.
So, now we have moved on to the next step - the journey of attempting to find an adoption agency. There is just so much information on the web that it can be overwhelming...
There will be more to come on this in the future, I assure you.
AF finally arrived while we were travelling for Christmas. (Told you the bitch had a plan. She never has liked me much anyway). So, that saga is finally over. And, for the first time in years, I didn't rush to put it on my calendar. Her arrival doesn't really mean much.
Anyway, in other important news - although I may not have blogged about it too much, we have decided in the last few weeks that we would be pursuing adoption for sure. We just hadn't moved forward on the process much. Between our work schedules and the holidays, it just kept getting postponed. So I bought a couple of books on the subject and during our 9 hour travel up to visit with Derek's family for Christmas, we discussed the nitty gritty details of our comfort level with certain areas of adoption. I am feeling much better about this path now that I know that our ideas of acceptable are not that far apart from each other.
So, now we have moved on to the next step - the journey of attempting to find an adoption agency. There is just so much information on the web that it can be overwhelming...
There will be more to come on this in the future, I assure you.
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