After a long wait, vacation has finally arrived. Tomorrow morning, we will be heading out for Michigan. We will be spending a little over a week on the open road. I think that the last few weeks (and months) have been quite stressful and we are both really looking forward to some well deserved rest and relaxation. The boys will be making the trek with us. I would have to say that they are both pretty good travelers. Dakota is probably the better traveler of the two as he falls asleep the minute the car gets rolling. But Murfy doesn't do too bad.
I am a terrible packer. I start pulling clothes out of the closet. After I pair the outfits with shoes, I inevitably realize that I am having to take too many shoes to fit the outfits. So then, I put back some of the "extra shoe" outfits and try to pull out something that matches the shoes I plan on packing. About 3 hours later, I load everything in the suitcase. Derek will waltz into the room, spend about 15 minutes tops and be done. The worst part about this is that even with my additional packing time, Derek always seems to look so much more put together than I do. I think it is definitely a gift that he posesses. His mom says that he must get it from his father who can also pack at marathon speeds. I do have some random thoughts to share before I sign off...
My Sister's Keeper:
Even though I bought the book for a vacation read, I started reading it a couple of days ago. Even though the first 2 pages were shocking to me, it was almost like a train wreck - I couldn't look away. I got absorbed into the storyline. Perhaps it was the fact that I kept imagining how terrible it would be to lose a child (probably as only someone who has struggled so hard to get one can) and therefore finished reading My Sister's Keeper. Wow - what a heart-wrenching story. Derek caught me as I finished the last words with tears streaming down my checks. I did think it was a good book though. I don't want to spoil it for anyone else who plans to read the book or watch the movie. But Wow.
Michael Jackson:
I am greatly saddened by the news of the death of the King of Pop. Michael's Thriller album was probably the first album that I begged my parents to buy for me. I can still sing every word to every song. I know - he went through some tough times and some actions that weren't exactly exemplary. But, when I think back to how I began to love music, this album always comes to mind. I didn't think that I could post today and not at least comment on his passing.
Ex-City Counsel Member cited for Public Indecency:
I work for the City government. We have 5 Counsel members who make all of the decisions regarding our government - our budget, our raises (or here lately, the lack thereof), what projects we will complete to make our city a better place, the tax rate...There is a guy who used to be on the City Counsel and left his position to run for a higher position (which he did not get). The local newspaper website has just posted an article that he was caught walking naked through a campsite and was arrested for Public Indecency. Interesting.
I will be signing off now. I have to go say my hello's to my good friends on the BBC before I detatch myself from the laptop for our trip and then I am off...It may be a while before I post again...
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Monday, June 22, 2009
My Sister's Keeper
I have been seeing the previews for this new movie staring Cameron Diaz called "My Sister's Keeper." It looked like a real chick flick. Today, I was looking for books to take on vacation with me and I found the paperback. SInce I love to read the book before I watch the movie, I bought it. The story line is about a girl whose life has centered around trying to save her sister as she is a genetic match.
Tonight, I opened it up and read the first 2 pages. I was shocked.
The girl who the story is about was coincieved through IVF, but her parents chose the embryos they used based on genetics - which embryos would be a match and could save their other daughter.
Really??? And I just wanted one that would stick...
Anyway, I hope it is a good book...
Tonight, I opened it up and read the first 2 pages. I was shocked.
The girl who the story is about was coincieved through IVF, but her parents chose the embryos they used based on genetics - which embryos would be a match and could save their other daughter.
Really??? And I just wanted one that would stick...
Anyway, I hope it is a good book...
Fathers Day 2009
For the last 4 years, Mothers Day has been a sore spot with me. The pain and frustration has festered and grown every year. I know that my poor Mother probably thinks that I no longer wish to celebrate all that she has done for me throughout the years as I have gradually celebrated the day less and less. Don’t get me wrong, I still send her a card, get her a gift, and call her. It just isn’t with the enthusiasm that it used to be. I no longer say “Happy Mothers Day!!!!” with a bubble of excitement in my voice. I mumble the words because deep inside, my own heart is breaking. I am sure that she has experienced quite a bit of heartache over that one. I need to take lessons from my friend Katie who has warned her Mother that she will not be calling or celebrating what she refers to as “The Day Which Shall Remain Unnamed”. Anyway, I have digressed. Back to the holiday at hand.
For obvious reasons, Fathers Day is not as tough on me as Mothers Day. I still spend time grieving that day over the Fathers Day activities that we aren’t able to share in. I daydream over what a Fathers Day with children would be like and sadness settles around me like a dense fog. I have never specifically asked him about it, but Derek has never once mentioned that the day to celebrate Fathers has gotten to him.
Derek has always seemed so much better adjusted to our infertility than I am. He is THE eternal optimist. When I am crying over another month with negative results, he has always tried to cheer me up and say “Maybe next month…” I must also admit that this lack of emotionality on his part has led me to have resentment towards him thinking that it meant he must not really want children as much as I did.
And speaking of resentment - Derek has this crazy ability to switch off his emotions and deal with whatever crisis or situation is in front of him. Having an argument and arrive at the parents house? No problem, Derek exits the car with a smile on his face and I walk out with a long face. Having a slight disagreement? Derek can end the disagreement and start acting normal in a heartbeat and it takes me a while to get back to neutral. The boss asks you to do the stupidest thing you have ever heard of? Not a problem for Derek – he responds professionally and politely and never lets his emotions boil over and I would fume all day and type on my keyboard really hard. A major catastrophe occurs? Derek seems to be the calmest person in the world and I run around like Chicken Little screaming “The Sky is Falling!!!” This ability he has to control his emotions has often driven me NUTS!!!
Now, before anyone thinks that I am husband bashing, I should probably get to the point. Yesterday, I had a realization – a rare moment of clarity.
As we were driving down the road, Derek let me know that our IF has made Fathers Day difficult for him to deal with as well. It wasn’t a big speech on his part, only a couple of short statements about the activities we were missing out on and about feeling like we didn’t have this purpose in life that others had.
But this small portion of our conversation set my emotions off. I was so touched to hear him say that this was a tough holiday for him – in a way it validated the fact that he wants this as much as I do. But at the same time, my heart ached knowing that he was hurting over us not having a child. And then later, the realization hit me. It was like a light bulb went off in my head. Over the last 4 years, his lack of emotion in our infertility hasn’t necessarily been a lack of feelings, but his reaction to a crisis. MY crisis. He felt that someone needed to keep their wits about them – and it obviously wasn’t going to be me since I was sitting in the floor crying. Each time I was upset, my dear, sweet husband took on the role of being my rock – the one who had to keep things together because I was always falling apart.
And today I want to tell you all. One day, that man is going to make a WONDERFUL Father. I love you, Derek, for all that you are and all that I know you will be some day.
For obvious reasons, Fathers Day is not as tough on me as Mothers Day. I still spend time grieving that day over the Fathers Day activities that we aren’t able to share in. I daydream over what a Fathers Day with children would be like and sadness settles around me like a dense fog. I have never specifically asked him about it, but Derek has never once mentioned that the day to celebrate Fathers has gotten to him.
Derek has always seemed so much better adjusted to our infertility than I am. He is THE eternal optimist. When I am crying over another month with negative results, he has always tried to cheer me up and say “Maybe next month…” I must also admit that this lack of emotionality on his part has led me to have resentment towards him thinking that it meant he must not really want children as much as I did.
And speaking of resentment - Derek has this crazy ability to switch off his emotions and deal with whatever crisis or situation is in front of him. Having an argument and arrive at the parents house? No problem, Derek exits the car with a smile on his face and I walk out with a long face. Having a slight disagreement? Derek can end the disagreement and start acting normal in a heartbeat and it takes me a while to get back to neutral. The boss asks you to do the stupidest thing you have ever heard of? Not a problem for Derek – he responds professionally and politely and never lets his emotions boil over and I would fume all day and type on my keyboard really hard. A major catastrophe occurs? Derek seems to be the calmest person in the world and I run around like Chicken Little screaming “The Sky is Falling!!!” This ability he has to control his emotions has often driven me NUTS!!!
Now, before anyone thinks that I am husband bashing, I should probably get to the point. Yesterday, I had a realization – a rare moment of clarity.
As we were driving down the road, Derek let me know that our IF has made Fathers Day difficult for him to deal with as well. It wasn’t a big speech on his part, only a couple of short statements about the activities we were missing out on and about feeling like we didn’t have this purpose in life that others had.
But this small portion of our conversation set my emotions off. I was so touched to hear him say that this was a tough holiday for him – in a way it validated the fact that he wants this as much as I do. But at the same time, my heart ached knowing that he was hurting over us not having a child. And then later, the realization hit me. It was like a light bulb went off in my head. Over the last 4 years, his lack of emotion in our infertility hasn’t necessarily been a lack of feelings, but his reaction to a crisis. MY crisis. He felt that someone needed to keep their wits about them – and it obviously wasn’t going to be me since I was sitting in the floor crying. Each time I was upset, my dear, sweet husband took on the role of being my rock – the one who had to keep things together because I was always falling apart.
And today I want to tell you all. One day, that man is going to make a WONDERFUL Father. I love you, Derek, for all that you are and all that I know you will be some day.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Birthdays Suck!
So, if you couldn't tell from the title, I think that birthdays suck. Or at least mine does. Okay, maybe not totally, but it was cause for tears more than once today.
The day started off pretty well. A very early phone call from my (not so) little brother, singing from Derek, a call from my Dad, a call from my Mom, another call from said (not so) little brother, gifts from my employees, lunch with 2 of my best girlfriends, a suprise gift in the mail from my Grandma...what most people would probably consider to be a stellar birthday.
But those people have not suffered through IF and weren't there with me at the coffee pot for the moment of clarity that I had that brought on the first wave of tears.
Was it that I am now officially 32??? Nope.
32 and childless? You are getting warmer...
It was the realization that 33 and childless is highly probable. That thought absolutely SUCKED! And it was reason to sob about being another year older before I even left the house for work.
Some of you may wonder how I got to this realization. Well, it is fairly simple. After our break from treatments, we will be attempting with our frostie starting at the beginning of August with a transfer date of mid September. If that doesn't work, it will be at least 6 to 12 months before we would be able to attempt with Donor embryos. B-E-A-UTIFUL. Another Christmas. Another Easter. Another Mother's Day. One more year of feeling broken.
Now, don't get me wrong. I am not ALL doom and gloom. I have already calculated when the due date would be if the frostie were to be successful and I do know that I could get a baby as a birthday present next year. But after so much disappointment, it is just hard to think that positively or be that hopeful anymore...
Anyway, I am another year older. Break out the bubbly. Just because I don't feel like celebrating doesn't mean I can't get drunk, right?
The day started off pretty well. A very early phone call from my (not so) little brother, singing from Derek, a call from my Dad, a call from my Mom, another call from said (not so) little brother, gifts from my employees, lunch with 2 of my best girlfriends, a suprise gift in the mail from my Grandma...what most people would probably consider to be a stellar birthday.
But those people have not suffered through IF and weren't there with me at the coffee pot for the moment of clarity that I had that brought on the first wave of tears.
Was it that I am now officially 32??? Nope.
32 and childless? You are getting warmer...
It was the realization that 33 and childless is highly probable. That thought absolutely SUCKED! And it was reason to sob about being another year older before I even left the house for work.
Some of you may wonder how I got to this realization. Well, it is fairly simple. After our break from treatments, we will be attempting with our frostie starting at the beginning of August with a transfer date of mid September. If that doesn't work, it will be at least 6 to 12 months before we would be able to attempt with Donor embryos. B-E-A-UTIFUL. Another Christmas. Another Easter. Another Mother's Day. One more year of feeling broken.
Now, don't get me wrong. I am not ALL doom and gloom. I have already calculated when the due date would be if the frostie were to be successful and I do know that I could get a baby as a birthday present next year. But after so much disappointment, it is just hard to think that positively or be that hopeful anymore...
Anyway, I am another year older. Break out the bubbly. Just because I don't feel like celebrating doesn't mean I can't get drunk, right?
Friday, June 12, 2009
The Week in Review
I know, I have been a bad, bad blogger. I have not posted anything in several days. So, I will provide you with my week in review:
Monday, June 8
I called in sick. The cramps were just too much to take. I stayed home and took a pain pill (which was lovely). I know I probably could have gone in to work. But, I was just mentally too exhausted. Derek left for a business trip in New Jersey in the early afternoon. I didn't really do much all day. It was a wonderful Monday.
Tuesday, June 9
Isn't it amazing that when you get used to having someone around how much you miss them when they are gone? I can't sleep without Derek in the bed beside me. So, Tuesday started out with me being very sleepy. I made it through my work day and headed home. Derek and I talked about our next steps and came up with a plan. You know me, I have to have a plan. I began to feel much more capable of facing the rest of the world and the rest of our journey. I could not even begin to tell you what else I did the rest of the night. All I know is that after arriving home, what seemed to be about 30 minutes later it was already 10p.m. On to another sleepless night.
Oh, and about the plan? We are going to take a couple of months off of ART "trying" and enjoy ourselves. Our current plan is to start a FET cycle around the beginning of August using our Frostie. Our next step would be to move on to Donated Frozen Embryos. We are already on one waiting list (2 year wait) and will put ourselves on the shorter waiting list (6 mos. to 1 year) when we find out the outcome of our frozen cycle as there is a fee to get on that list. I think it is a pretty good plan, even if I do say so myself.
Wednesday, June 10
A visit from Mom - after another marvelous day at work, I came home and got to spend a lovely evening with my mom. We sat on our back deck and had a cup of coffee. We went to eat at Texas Roadhouse and had a Margarita. We did a little shopping at Kohl's. We talked. We laughed. We had a great time. I really enjoyed having the middle of my week brightened by a visit from my Mom. Thank you for coming to visit me, Mom!
Thursday, June 11
Happy Birthday Derek!!!! My wonderful husband turned 35. I gave him a call at 6:30 in the morning to be the first person to wish him a happy birthday. I think I succeeded. Since he was in New Jersey, I didn't get to give him any special birthday present or even a birthday spanking, but I will be sure to take care of that when he gets home. After work, I watched the "So You Think You Can Dance" from Wednesday and cried several times because "that was just so beautiful..." Then I watched "Boys on the Side" and cried some more. I guess I was feeling quite emotional. You think???
Friday, June 12
The day Derek comes home! Yippee! I am so glad that the weekend is here. Since my dear husband has phoned to say that he is about 15 minutes away, I am going to end my post here and go spend some quality time with him...
Monday, June 8
I called in sick. The cramps were just too much to take. I stayed home and took a pain pill (which was lovely). I know I probably could have gone in to work. But, I was just mentally too exhausted. Derek left for a business trip in New Jersey in the early afternoon. I didn't really do much all day. It was a wonderful Monday.
Tuesday, June 9
Isn't it amazing that when you get used to having someone around how much you miss them when they are gone? I can't sleep without Derek in the bed beside me. So, Tuesday started out with me being very sleepy. I made it through my work day and headed home. Derek and I talked about our next steps and came up with a plan. You know me, I have to have a plan. I began to feel much more capable of facing the rest of the world and the rest of our journey. I could not even begin to tell you what else I did the rest of the night. All I know is that after arriving home, what seemed to be about 30 minutes later it was already 10p.m. On to another sleepless night.
Oh, and about the plan? We are going to take a couple of months off of ART "trying" and enjoy ourselves. Our current plan is to start a FET cycle around the beginning of August using our Frostie. Our next step would be to move on to Donated Frozen Embryos. We are already on one waiting list (2 year wait) and will put ourselves on the shorter waiting list (6 mos. to 1 year) when we find out the outcome of our frozen cycle as there is a fee to get on that list. I think it is a pretty good plan, even if I do say so myself.
Wednesday, June 10
A visit from Mom - after another marvelous day at work, I came home and got to spend a lovely evening with my mom. We sat on our back deck and had a cup of coffee. We went to eat at Texas Roadhouse and had a Margarita. We did a little shopping at Kohl's. We talked. We laughed. We had a great time. I really enjoyed having the middle of my week brightened by a visit from my Mom. Thank you for coming to visit me, Mom!
Thursday, June 11
Happy Birthday Derek!!!! My wonderful husband turned 35. I gave him a call at 6:30 in the morning to be the first person to wish him a happy birthday. I think I succeeded. Since he was in New Jersey, I didn't get to give him any special birthday present or even a birthday spanking, but I will be sure to take care of that when he gets home. After work, I watched the "So You Think You Can Dance" from Wednesday and cried several times because "that was just so beautiful..." Then I watched "Boys on the Side" and cried some more. I guess I was feeling quite emotional. You think???
Friday, June 12
The day Derek comes home! Yippee! I am so glad that the weekend is here. Since my dear husband has phoned to say that he is about 15 minutes away, I am going to end my post here and go spend some quality time with him...
Sunday, June 7, 2009
The Option of Adoption
So after our results on Friday, I would say it is safe to assume you all know that I was feeling as if I was my whit's end. Especially if you read the previous post.
I cried, I zoned out, I struggled over whether any of my actions had caused the failure (Should I not have planted flowers in our island that weekend? What about that trip on the stairs? Should I have just placed myself on complete bed rest for 2 weeks???) Then I blogged and got my feelings out there.
When Derek got home, he took me to dinner at one of our favorite restaurants. On the way, I opened up to him and shared with him the fears that I blogged about. I told him about being afraid that he would always be against adoption if that became our ONLY option. And he told me exactly what I needed to hear - that if I am unable to carry our child and we have exhausted all of our other options - that he would not be against adoption. He just doesn't want to consider this option right now.
It was music to my ears. I felt like the cloudy rainy skies above me had miraculously cleared up revealing bright beautiful sunshine and blue skies. OK, so that doesn't mean that all of our problems are solved or that the rest of this process will be any easier, but I did feel as if there was a renewed sense of hope that we will eventually make it to Parenthood...
In other news, AF has arrived. The lovely AF that follows IVF. Can you say HOLY CRAP??? At least I knew to expect it this time...
I cried, I zoned out, I struggled over whether any of my actions had caused the failure (Should I not have planted flowers in our island that weekend? What about that trip on the stairs? Should I have just placed myself on complete bed rest for 2 weeks???) Then I blogged and got my feelings out there.
When Derek got home, he took me to dinner at one of our favorite restaurants. On the way, I opened up to him and shared with him the fears that I blogged about. I told him about being afraid that he would always be against adoption if that became our ONLY option. And he told me exactly what I needed to hear - that if I am unable to carry our child and we have exhausted all of our other options - that he would not be against adoption. He just doesn't want to consider this option right now.
It was music to my ears. I felt like the cloudy rainy skies above me had miraculously cleared up revealing bright beautiful sunshine and blue skies. OK, so that doesn't mean that all of our problems are solved or that the rest of this process will be any easier, but I did feel as if there was a renewed sense of hope that we will eventually make it to Parenthood...
In other news, AF has arrived. The lovely AF that follows IVF. Can you say HOLY CRAP??? At least I knew to expect it this time...
Friday, June 5, 2009
The Results are In
Derek had to go to work early this morning, so I got up early and tested (so that he could be home if it was a BFP). But, it was a negative glaring back at me. Digitally. No denying it.
A Digital Negative
Right now I feel so broken and beat down. I mean - what kind of person can have 6 freaking embryos transferred to her uterus and not have a single one stick? Granted, I know that the fragmentation means they have less of a chance, but seriously! And to think - I went into this process thinking that this was going to be it - Our big break. I was even naive enough to be thinking that I was going to end up PG with twins the first time around. And after 5 freaking months of IVF (if you include the 1 month break the last time), all of the time missed from work, all of the drugs in my body, all of the mental stress, and all of the money - here we are and we don't have SHIT to show for it.
Okay, so we have 1 on ice which is actually something to show for it, but you know what I mean.
Now, the other thing rolling around my mind is our remaining options. We have our frostie, we have donor eggs, and we have donor embryos. Derek is still against adoption for several reasons that are all absolutely 100% valid. I know that if adoption is the only route we have left, he would probably change his mind. But, I need to hear him tell me that if I am the one who is broken and I can't get pregnant, that we will still have a family - some day, some way. I am feeling so anxious about the fact that we may never become parents that the rational side of my brain (who knows he would probably agree to adoption if we exhaust all other options) can't get through to the irrational part who is sobbing about the fact that I will never be a Mother. I will never hear a child call me "Mommy". I will never get to do any of those things that I feel that I was MADE to do. I don't want to consider the option that I will never get to watch Derek play catch with our child or read our child a bedtime story or dress them in clothes that don't match...
But, considering the fact that I have ranted on and on, I think there is a possibility that I migt not BE sane.
A Digital NegativeSo, I went back to bed until I had to be up. I didn't really sleep - I just laid there thinking and tried not to cry. I guess a part of me was still holding on to the hope that it was a false negative and I wasn't entirely ready to admit defeat. I got up and went for my B/W for the Beta.
Then, 6 hours later, the nurse called and shattered my hopes.
So, I guess we sit back and take it all in for a couple of days, pick ourselves up, and dust ourselves off. Once insurance has settled up with what they will pay for this round, we will move forward with our frostie.
Right now I feel so broken and beat down. I mean - what kind of person can have 6 freaking embryos transferred to her uterus and not have a single one stick? Granted, I know that the fragmentation means they have less of a chance, but seriously! And to think - I went into this process thinking that this was going to be it - Our big break. I was even naive enough to be thinking that I was going to end up PG with twins the first time around. And after 5 freaking months of IVF (if you include the 1 month break the last time), all of the time missed from work, all of the drugs in my body, all of the mental stress, and all of the money - here we are and we don't have SHIT to show for it.
Okay, so we have 1 on ice which is actually something to show for it, but you know what I mean.
So now, the type A comes out in me. Not every frozen one survives. I am afraid to Google about what % survives the freeze/thaw procedure. We only have 1 and my luck hasn't been that good lately. F$C%!!! I have asked by BBC (Baby Center) friends to Google it for me and see if I even want to know.
Now, the other thing rolling around my mind is our remaining options. We have our frostie, we have donor eggs, and we have donor embryos. Derek is still against adoption for several reasons that are all absolutely 100% valid. I know that if adoption is the only route we have left, he would probably change his mind. But, I need to hear him tell me that if I am the one who is broken and I can't get pregnant, that we will still have a family - some day, some way. I am feeling so anxious about the fact that we may never become parents that the rational side of my brain (who knows he would probably agree to adoption if we exhaust all other options) can't get through to the irrational part who is sobbing about the fact that I will never be a Mother. I will never hear a child call me "Mommy". I will never get to do any of those things that I feel that I was MADE to do. I don't want to consider the option that I will never get to watch Derek play catch with our child or read our child a bedtime story or dress them in clothes that don't match...
Maybe I should try to wrap my head around a childless existence. Maybe I do need to feel OK with that because it IS a possibility. Maybe that is the SANE thing to do.
But, considering the fact that I have ranted on and on, I think there is a possibility that I migt not BE sane.
And therefore, broken or not, I am not ready to give up on my dreams of being a mother and our dreams of having a family.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
2WW Symptoms - PMS, IPS, PS or Side Effects
So, here we are, 2 days before the big test, and I feel it is time to discuss my symptoms. Again. You would think that after the 50 something times I have been through this, I would stop paying attention to them...But no, here I am, once again, grabbing my boobs...
So, here is a list of the symptoms I have:
And I broke down and asked the Magic 8 ball today and it said I am Pregnant, but that bitch lies.
Sigh...I guess I will have to wait until Friday afternoon to know without a doubt...
So, here is a list of the symptoms I have:
- Sore Boobs
- Slight Waves of Nausea
- Acne
- Cramps
- Hunger
- Exhaustion
- Craving for Limes (which Karina says is a PG symptom but I am not sure...)
And I broke down and asked the Magic 8 ball today and it said I am Pregnant, but that bitch lies.
Sigh...I guess I will have to wait until Friday afternoon to know without a doubt...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)