One Year Later

A year ago today, there was a hole in my heart and my arms were empty.

As I sat in the RE's office waiting on our transfer, I was hopeful but afraid to put too much pressure on the 2 tiny little embryos that were thawing in that petri dish in the back room.

So many things about this transfer were the same as previous transfers.  Same office.  Same waiting room.  Same chair.  Same Doctor.  Same nurse.

Ironically, it was also exactly 1 year after our last transfer.  (This is a fact that I did not realize until a few weeks ago when I was sorting through some old paperwork - or I probably would have scheduled a different date due to superstition).

I sat in that office listening to a meditation podcast and tried to remain calm and positive.  And when the embryologist showed us  the picture of those 2 beautiful little embryos,  a smile was pasted on my face.  I closed my eyes and pictured what life would be like when those embryos grew up with tears brimming in my eyes.

Today - 1 year later - my heart no longer feels as if there is a gaping hole.  Instead, it swells with the love I feel for my little boy.  My arms are no longer empty - I often find myself needing a 3rd or a 4th arm to be able to juggle everything.  Our previously quiet, neat and tidy house is filled with the sounds of baby talk, laughter, squeals, and cries and is cluttered with baby toys and dirty burp cloths.

One year ago, I was afraid to believe that we would ever have a child.  What a difference a year makes.

Hair - Part 2

Another Post About Hair.  This time, however, it is about the unwanted kind.

Is it just me, or is my hair growing faster now that I am a mother?  I know, logically, that it is because time seems to be moving so fast now.  But, I can't seem to keep control of the unwanted hair. 

It seems as if I shave the hair on my legs and armpits and the next day they are back and 1/4 of an inch long.  But hairy legs and armpits aren't the biggest problem (after all, we are going into fall and winter and those unshaven areas are easily masked by pants and shirts).

My biggest problem is facial hair.  Since Carder's birth, I have been trying to keep up with plucking the stray hairs in my eyebrows - you know, when you have a moment here or there in the bathroom and the baby is asleep.  But the other day I looked and realized that some of the "stray hairs" had somehow worked their way into being an actual part of the eyebrow and I was beginning to look quite discheveled.  (Or perhaps it has been this way for quite some time and I just realized it.  Poor woman...Anyway...) 

And then I realized that the few long, dark hairs that grew on my chin had somehow popped out and were disgustingly long.  I knew that a date with my lighted magnifying mirror was long overdue.  I spent Carder's afternoon nap plucking my way to looking halfway presentable.

And while I was using the mirror, I realized my "mustache" was also long overdue for some TLC as well.  Previously, I used a hair removal cream but during pregnancy I was afraid to use any type of chemicals on my body and had resorted to just plucking the dark ones.  So the other night, I decided to pull out the cream and get rid of my 'stache.  I followed the directions exactly and removed the cream after 2 1/2 minutes.  But a quick look in the mirror revealed 2 problems.  The darkest ones stood strong against the cream and still had to be plucked.  And, worse yet, somehow I ended up with a nasty chemical burn at the corners of my mouth.  It was bad enough that Derek related it to Heath Ledger's appearance as the Joker in the Batman Movie...Thank God, the burn has finally healed.  Unfortunately it is just in time for my 'stache to start growing back in - YAY!!!

My point is that between the spit up all over my clothes, the stray hairs falling out, the hair all over my body and my face, the bags under my eyes from sleep deprivation...It is a wonder that my husband even finds me remotely attractive anymore.  Thankfully, he does. 

And having Carder is worth having a unibrow, a mustache, and having the European look with all of my other body hair.

4 Months Old

My monthly posts seem to be running a little late each month - I like to wait for the pediatrician appointment to get his measurements for the post.  That already has me a week behind.  And then I typically have a baby who is a little fussy due to shots and I am even further behind...

At Four Months:

• Weighs 14 pounds, 2 ounces
• Is 25 1/2 inches long
• Is wearing 3-6 Month Sized Clothing
• Is eating between 6-8 oz per feeding, 5 times per day
• Feedings are approximately 3 hours apart during the day
• Is consistently sleeping through the night (falls asleep around 9 or 10 and will sleep until 6 or 7 in the morning. Will often awaken during the night but will fall back asleep fairly easily
• Is now formula fed.
• Consistently smiles and coos.
• Is beginning to giggle a little bit.
• Has learned to blow his spit (think stick out tongue and blow) and it is his current favorite thing to do.
• Has discovered his feet and is enthralled with them.
• Helps out during diaper changes by putting his hands on his thighs and "holds" his legs.
• Loves to clasp his hands together below his chin (cutest thing ever...)
• Loves to lay in Mommy and Daddy's bed (always with close supervision)
• Still isn't the biggest fan of tummy time.
• Loves his swing and bouncy seat. Has recently learned that pulling the handle on the toy bar of the bouncy seat is what makes the music play and will pull the handle over and over.
• Just got a jumperoo and loves it, although he is still a little wobbly in it.
• Loves to stare at the ceiling fan, windows, lights.
• Is beginning to show a bit more interest in toys.
• Tolerates rides in car seat quite well
• Still sleeping partially swaddled at night (1 arm out) and we are working our way to no swaddling.
• Is wearing size 2 Disposable diapers or Newborn prefolds in the Size One Thirsties Duos.

Thanks to my friend Katie for the adorable onesie that Carder is wearing in his 4 month photos.  He truly is a Dream Come True.

Spit Bubbles!!!

Hair Club for Women

From other people's experiences IRL, I knew that I should probably expect some hair loss after pregnancy.  I really never expected it to happen.  And I certainly never expected it to be like this.

You see, I have always had baby fine hair.  According to my stylist, I have lots of it but it just doesn't seem that way when you pull it into a ponytail since it is sooooo fine.

I had been told that during pregnancy, my hair would grow very fast and be full and luxurious.  That never seemed to happen.  In fact, my hair grew slower during pregnancy than it did pre-pregnancy.  I never noticed it seeming fuller, although I did appreciate the fact that it seemed less oily.

In the last few weeks, I have been shocked at the amount of hair falling from my head.  I am constantly finding it attached to my clothing, hanging from my hair, on Carder's clothing, wrapped around Carder's fingers, stuck to my bare feet from the floor...this stuff is everywhere.  I am constantly pulling at that invisible hair that is tickling your face, arm, chest, neck, [insert body part here]...

When I wash my hair, it falls out by the handful in the shower.  Even more of it comes out when I comb.  When I blow dry, you can see it falling all around me and the brush gets full.  I clean the bathroom floor every other day, but from the hair that comes up from the floor, one would think I haven't cleaned the floor since we moved in.

It is absolutely terrible.  And according to Dr. Google, I can expect this phenomenon from 3-6 months postpartum - so- for up to the next 2 months.  Good Times.

So, in retrospect, I guess my hair was more full during pregnancy.  Either that or I need to sign up for Hair Club for Women because I am going bald.

Some Day, Some Way

A long, long time ago*, after almost 3 years of trying, Derek and I finally got pregnant.  After such a long time trying, I was sure that our dreams were finally coming true.  And then I lost the baby.  I was having a hard time dealing with the loss of this child and I began to search for solice online.

I found a website called Babycenter and I joined.  At first, I only participated in groups about loss and miscarraige.  I tried but couldn't stand the groups that were for people who were actively trying - there were so many people there who got pregnant their first try and it was so hard to stay positive when you felt as if you were the only one who was struggling to conceive a child.

And then I found a group of women who had been trying to conceive for one year or more.  It was if I had found an online home.  I made friends with these women quickly and I found a support system unlike one I had ever known.  I bonded with these women and formed some extremely strong relationships.  We mourned failed cycles and losses together.  And we celebrated successes together.  I love these women.  Although it has been several years now and we no longer post in our BBC group, we still keep in touch.  We have had 2 get togethers where we travelled across the US to meet each other.  And I hope we have more of these in the future.

For a while now, I have wanted to post about this group of women.  One of them - Katie - coined a phrase that we quoted to each other frequently.  "Some day, some way."  There were times that this phrase was all that kept me believing that some day my dreams would come true.  I held on to this phrase with all of my might in failed cycle after failed cycle.  It became my mantra.

And now - for almost all of us - this mantra has come true.  Most of us are now mothers or are expecting our first child (and are far enough into the pregnancy that I feel as if I can post this without jinxing anyone).  For us, our Some Day, Some Way has finally come true.  I look over at Carder who is sleeping like an angel in his swing and I feel so lucky that my dreams have finally come true.  (And we lived happily ever after.**)

But there are still 2 of us for whom our dreams haven't manifested into reality.  For them, the strain of infertilty broke them and their marraiges.

For one of these ladies, she and her husband had decided to pursue adoption.  They were quickly picked by a birth mother who was expecting twins.  She allowed herself to imagine the future with these babies and felt peace and happiness.  And shortly after being matched, her marraige fell apart.  Not only did she have to say goodbye to her husband - a relationship that had been over a decade of her life - but she had to give up her current version of her dream of motherhood.  Over the last couple of years, she has dealt with so many feelings of loss.  And in the last few weeks, she has been dealing with the feelings over having to pass up the chance to be a mother to the twins.

For you, my dear friend, I want to remind you that your "Some Day, Some Way" will still happen.  It won't happen with the man you began your journey with.  And it won't be with the twins you loved the moment you learned of them.  But it WILL happen.  And you will be a wonderful mother.  Never forget that "Some Day, Some Way" will find you when it is meant to be. 

For you, my readers, this post is twofold.  Please remember my friend and send some loving thoughts out to her, even if all you do is think something kind because you don't know who she is.  In addition, if you are still trying for your miracle, don't give up hope that your "Some Day, Some Way" will happen.  Whether you conceive naturally, through IUI, or through IVF - or whether you adopt embryos or a baby - one day your hearts and your arms will be full.

*Yes, this story begins like so many Fairy Tales.
**I guess you could say it ends like a Fairy Tale, too!