AF, Where Are You???

After months and months of cursing my Auntie when she arrived, she has apparently taken the hint that I don't want her here.  Unfortunately, she didn't take the hint that I wanted her to disappear because I was pregnant.  She is just on vacation.  Maybe she decided to start celebrating the holidays early this year and booked herself a trip to Hawaii.  Can't say I would blame her, I guess.

So, I am currently on CD 48.  I have peed on several sticks and all have resulted in a glaringly obvious BFN. 

(Sidebar, I have decided to write the HPT companies to let them know that they need to create an HPT specificly for the infertile.  It would be sold in bulk - like 100 tests per box - and instead of a digital "Not Pregnant" staring back at you, they should come up with some interesting and amusing messages to let us know that, once again, it did not happen.  For instance, one could say "Have yourself a big glass of wine" or "Your husband would have better luck getting a positive by peeing on this stick."  Or maybe "Just how much money have you wasted on HPTs now?"  Or "Stock up on the Mydol, AF is a coming!"  Anything besides that missing second line or that damned Not Pregnant.  Your ideas can be submitted to me if you would like to add to the list of possibilities...)

Anyway, the RE's office says to give it a few more days and test again (out of tests, add another $15 to my tally of amount wasted on HPTs).  They suggested that if that was negative, I should come in for some bloodwork and they could start me on progesterone.  Grand.

Also - just in case you want to know my theories of why AF is absent? 

My first theory is that she is waiting to show up while we are traveling to visit Derek's family up north for Christmas.

The second theory I have (and my personal favorite) is that I think my uterus is on strike.  She has decided that since I am not capable of conceiving a child, it is just a waste of her time and energy to fluff up that lining only to abandon it every SINGLE month.  And I can't say I blame her.

AF still has not arrived.

Why, Oh Why, Do I Do This To Myself???

AF is late.  I had some spotting mid week last week and was sure she was about to arrive, but she never showed.  And although I know that it is absolutely ridiculous for me to even THINK that there is a chance that we could have gotten pregnant this month, that is exactly what I found myslef thinking this weekend.  Funny enough, Derek asked me if she had arrived, I answered No, and he responded with "Wouldn't it be funny if after all of this we got pregnant this month?"  Yup.  That would be pretty darned funny.  Especially since we didn't really try at all this month.  We didn't prevent, but there was no temping, no OPKing, no U/S to look at folicles, no shots in the stomach, no pills to make me grow more follies, no meds to grow my uterine lining...you get the picture.  Wouldn't it be freakin' hilarious if "Aunt Jane" was right and all we had to do was relax???

I actually spent some time contemplating if our faint HCG numbers last month at 8.8 that had fallen to 3 had somehow miraculously turned around and gone back up.  A highly unlikely explanation, I assure you (and probably not a single recorded case in history) but the thought still crossed my mind.  Especially since that would make more sense than us getting pregnant on our own without medical assistance.

Regardless, I have been a little concerned about it.  I have been on a self imposed hiatus from prenatal vitamins since the last beta.  To be honest, I haven't even been taking a multivitamin with much regularity this month.  And on top of that, I have not held back from partaking in several alcoholic beverages.  I haven't been staggering drunk by any means, but red wine and I have been good friends the last 4 weeks.

But she hasn't shown up yet.  And I felt a bit queasy most of the day.  It was like deja vu - boob grabbing and all (not sore BTW).  So, just a few minutes before I began this post, I completed the familar task of peeing on a stick.  It was a cheap Dol.lar.Store test but it was all I had in the house.  So I went for it.  Of course, it was a BFN.  I expected no more than 1 line to show up.

The reason I am posting about this is that, strangely enough, even with all we have been through and knowing that there is really not a chance for us to conceive, after all this time and all of the disappointment that we have been through, there I was again - hoping.  I wonder if it will ever REALLY go away.  Will there come a time (when we are sitting around with our adopted child/children) and AF is late and I don't spend half of the day thinking about whether or not I might be FINALLY be pregnant???

I hope that day comes.  But even if it doesn't?  I would settle for wondering about it while sitting around with my future children...

I guess I will give it a couple more days to see if she shows up before I contemplate the possibility anymore.  I will probably be a good girl and take my vitamins and stay away from the wine for the next couple of days, just in case, though.

Another 3,001 Factors in the Great Debate

Well, after a friend of mine announced her pregnancy today (UGH - I am not going to go into how I feel about THAT one), I determined that it was time to make the phone call to the Donor Embryo place to get answers to some of our questions.

The good news is that I did find out some answers.  The bad news is that I am not entirely happy with what I found out.

Firstly, the 6 months to a year time frame quoted in my first call to them months ago was a little off.  The actual time frame is at least 10 months.  Possibly longer.  Yup.  Great news.  And there is nothing that I could be working on right now.  It is all on THEIR time frame.  That is so WONDERFUL since I am known for my patience.  Umm, right.

The even BETTER news?  They have added a new fee to their plethera of existing fees.  The original stated cost was somewhere between 5,000 and 7,000.  There were additional possible costs of about 2,000 for STD testing and fees passed on from the donor couple to the recipient couple.  And that doesn't include the medications or the visits to a local RE for monitoring during the cycle.  The new fee is 3,000 for councelling for both the donor and the receipient couples.  3,000 worth of counselling?  I mean, how many f-ing sessions is THAT???  Like 15 per couple???

But back to my original train of thought here.  That gets us up to 8,000 to 10,000 just at the base cost.  Possibly 10,000 to 12,000.  And then add in the meds and the additional clinic costs for the cycle monitoring.  PER ATTEMPT.

I know that the financial implications shouldn't be the sole deciding factor in how we grow our family.  I KNOW THIS.  But, in making this decision, we also have to evaluate how this will effect us financially if it doesn't work and we needed to move on to Plan Z (aka Adoption).

And, really, if the donor embryo route will be possibly 12,000 - and comparitively, adoption would be 15,000 or more, wouldn't it make more sense (financially) to spend the extra 3,000 or so and actually take home a baby?

Crap.  Does anyone have a paper bag I can borrow?  I think I need to breathe into it...