Saturday night was Derek's Annual Company picnic. I had mixed feelings about it. There were, as the name suggests, families with children everywhere. For the most part, it went ok. I don't think Derek noticed, but I cried a little during the fireworks. A momentary relapse had me thinking about the fact that we may never see our children get so excited by the pretty displays in the sky. Sad, I know.
The best part was that I got to hold his co-workers baby (7mos). He was fussy when I got him, but shortly after I picked him up, he was sleeping like a little angel. It felt so nice to have his head on my shoulder and his little arm wrapped around my neck. So nice. Sigh...
Some day. Some way.
Ok. Typing from iPod is tough so I may add to later.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Monday, August 24, 2009
Maybe My Wounds are Healing
I realize that I haven’t blogged about this – hell, I haven’t really talked about it much. But I guess in order to say what I want to say, I need to explain the changes I have made in my prayers first.
I have stopped praying for God to bless us with a pregnancy. I think I have prayed for it long enough now that he knows what is in my heart and I determined that I am not strong enough to be able to give up on my dreams of carrying my child. So I am now praying for healing - that God will help me come to a place where I can look at other people who have been blessed with a child and not feel bitterness and resentment; that He will replace that with the joy that I used to feel before this whole infertility journey broke my spirit and took so much of my happiness away from me. I am praying now that He will take away the pain I feel when I think about the fact that although I have the parts and I have ALWAYS had the desire to create, carry, birth and love a child; it just doesn't seem to be in His plan for my life. I am praying for understanding why He would give me this desire that is so large that it consumes me - constantly in my thoughts, my feelings, my dreams - but not bless me with this child.
I know, I know. Before you even say it.
A part of me feel s like praying for healing is like giving up on our little embryo before we even try to transfer it. But another part of me says that if I don’t prepare myself for failure, that if our FET is yet another failed attempt I need to have my heart ready to accept that possibility.
And I also know that maybe His intentions are for me to be the mother of someone else's child. But I know that my heart will need some healing to prepare me for that option. I changed my prayers because I realized that every time I would think of the fact that I may never have my own biological child, my chest would aches with pain and tears would fall from my eyes – the pain so great that it would often shake my faith. So, I changed my prayers.
So far, God seems to be listening and answering some of my prayers. It isn’t something that has changed overnight. I have gradually felt this pain easing away. For instance, I went to the park for a workout with Derek and I came across several mothers with young children. I smiled and didn’t feel the stabbing pain in my chest. We went to a concert and were surrounded by families – mothers, fathers, and their children – and it was surprisingly pain free. After the “Tear Fest” when I realized that I needed to change what I was praying for, I don’t think I have cried over my own personal loss. So, things are looking up.
This is also evidenced in today’s events. I have a co-worker who is not the most educated man and the family is not what you would consider to be outstanding citizens. A couple of years ago, his teenage son became a father. He walked into my office today and shut the door and confided in me that his 15 year old daughter just informed him that she is expecting. He is (understandably) devastated. I tried to be supportive and listen. I didn’t get upset and cry and (although it did not evade me completely) the crushing pain in my chest was only there momentarily. I feel sorry for the girl – she was the one who he hoped would get somewhere in life. And here she is, becoming a mother already.
I am still waiting on the guidance regarding our next step. Perhaps he is holding out on that one until the results of the FET are known. I have still been doing some soul searching though.
I am worried that if we do donor embryos, the time will be a big factor for me. The wait is 6 months to a year before you even attempt. Perhaps that time would fly by quickly. I mean, the 3 months wait for the FET seems to have flown by. But the time frame is the real drawback for me. What if THAT doesn’t work? We already wasted a year waiting to try and then 6 weeks for each attempt and the waiting time in between… We could easily have another 1 ½ years pass and still not be parents. Then you would have to tack on however long it takes for the adoption process…
So then I think about adoption. I have my moments when I think that adopting wouldn't be so bad and I think perhaps we should skip the donor embryos and just move forward with that option. I can see how it would fill the hole in my heart and my empty arms. But I also realize that isn't a journey that neither one of us are fully ready to embark upon and I think we both need to be 100% sure that is something we are comfortable with before we move forward.
And then I start to worry that BOTH of us will never be there 100% and that my arms will always be empty and that this hole will always be in my heart.
One other thing that I want to mention – for the last several months, I have been trying to avoid discussing our infertility. I had begun to feel like it consumed our lives and our marriage and that IF was all that we were. I didn’t want for that to be the only thing we talked about, so I typically avoid it like the plague. My friend Jamie from BBC came to stay with us this past weekend. (That deserves a post of its own). Anyway, Jamie sent me an email today – and here is an excerpt of that email:
“…I also wanted to share that I enjoyed seeing you and Derek together as a couple. I think you are both more than the infertility, more so than you realize. You are both loving, sweet, and attentive to each other. There is an ease and a flow with how you work together and smile together. You both seem to enjoy cooking, food, movies, and the Georgia mountains together. It was only a weekend, so I am sure there is so much more that is shared between you and that depth is evident. I am so happy for you both in the life you share together.”
So Jamie, thank you so much for telling me that even though you know our struggles and even though they were discussed in person, you can see so much more in our relationship than just the infertility woes. It means a lot to me to know that.
I have stopped praying for God to bless us with a pregnancy. I think I have prayed for it long enough now that he knows what is in my heart and I determined that I am not strong enough to be able to give up on my dreams of carrying my child. So I am now praying for healing - that God will help me come to a place where I can look at other people who have been blessed with a child and not feel bitterness and resentment; that He will replace that with the joy that I used to feel before this whole infertility journey broke my spirit and took so much of my happiness away from me. I am praying now that He will take away the pain I feel when I think about the fact that although I have the parts and I have ALWAYS had the desire to create, carry, birth and love a child; it just doesn't seem to be in His plan for my life. I am praying for understanding why He would give me this desire that is so large that it consumes me - constantly in my thoughts, my feelings, my dreams - but not bless me with this child.
I know, I know. Before you even say it.
A part of me feel s like praying for healing is like giving up on our little embryo before we even try to transfer it. But another part of me says that if I don’t prepare myself for failure, that if our FET is yet another failed attempt I need to have my heart ready to accept that possibility.
And I also know that maybe His intentions are for me to be the mother of someone else's child. But I know that my heart will need some healing to prepare me for that option. I changed my prayers because I realized that every time I would think of the fact that I may never have my own biological child, my chest would aches with pain and tears would fall from my eyes – the pain so great that it would often shake my faith. So, I changed my prayers.
So far, God seems to be listening and answering some of my prayers. It isn’t something that has changed overnight. I have gradually felt this pain easing away. For instance, I went to the park for a workout with Derek and I came across several mothers with young children. I smiled and didn’t feel the stabbing pain in my chest. We went to a concert and were surrounded by families – mothers, fathers, and their children – and it was surprisingly pain free. After the “Tear Fest” when I realized that I needed to change what I was praying for, I don’t think I have cried over my own personal loss. So, things are looking up.
This is also evidenced in today’s events. I have a co-worker who is not the most educated man and the family is not what you would consider to be outstanding citizens. A couple of years ago, his teenage son became a father. He walked into my office today and shut the door and confided in me that his 15 year old daughter just informed him that she is expecting. He is (understandably) devastated. I tried to be supportive and listen. I didn’t get upset and cry and (although it did not evade me completely) the crushing pain in my chest was only there momentarily. I feel sorry for the girl – she was the one who he hoped would get somewhere in life. And here she is, becoming a mother already.
I am still waiting on the guidance regarding our next step. Perhaps he is holding out on that one until the results of the FET are known. I have still been doing some soul searching though.
I am worried that if we do donor embryos, the time will be a big factor for me. The wait is 6 months to a year before you even attempt. Perhaps that time would fly by quickly. I mean, the 3 months wait for the FET seems to have flown by. But the time frame is the real drawback for me. What if THAT doesn’t work? We already wasted a year waiting to try and then 6 weeks for each attempt and the waiting time in between… We could easily have another 1 ½ years pass and still not be parents. Then you would have to tack on however long it takes for the adoption process…
So then I think about adoption. I have my moments when I think that adopting wouldn't be so bad and I think perhaps we should skip the donor embryos and just move forward with that option. I can see how it would fill the hole in my heart and my empty arms. But I also realize that isn't a journey that neither one of us are fully ready to embark upon and I think we both need to be 100% sure that is something we are comfortable with before we move forward.
And then I start to worry that BOTH of us will never be there 100% and that my arms will always be empty and that this hole will always be in my heart.
One other thing that I want to mention – for the last several months, I have been trying to avoid discussing our infertility. I had begun to feel like it consumed our lives and our marriage and that IF was all that we were. I didn’t want for that to be the only thing we talked about, so I typically avoid it like the plague. My friend Jamie from BBC came to stay with us this past weekend. (That deserves a post of its own). Anyway, Jamie sent me an email today – and here is an excerpt of that email:
“…I also wanted to share that I enjoyed seeing you and Derek together as a couple. I think you are both more than the infertility, more so than you realize. You are both loving, sweet, and attentive to each other. There is an ease and a flow with how you work together and smile together. You both seem to enjoy cooking, food, movies, and the Georgia mountains together. It was only a weekend, so I am sure there is so much more that is shared between you and that depth is evident. I am so happy for you both in the life you share together.”
So Jamie, thank you so much for telling me that even though you know our struggles and even though they were discussed in person, you can see so much more in our relationship than just the infertility woes. It means a lot to me to know that.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Honest Scrap Award
A while back - in June to be exact - my friend Katie and my friend Melissa both awarded me with the Honest Scrap Award. It has taken me this long to claim my award and to accept it. I apologize to those who have awarded me that it has taken this long to write my acceptance speech.
So here are the Honest Scrap stipulations:
1. Choose a minimum of 7 blogs that you find brilliant in content or design
2. Show the 7 winners names and links on your blog and leave a comment informing them that they have won the "Honest Scrap Award"
3. List at least 10 honest things about yourself
Since I only follow 4 blogs religiously, I only have 4 people to award. And all 4 have been previously awarded this award, I don't think that passing the award around in a circle is going to get us anywhere, but the ladies I would nominate are:
Kerri http://kerrilynn1215.blogspot.com/
Kerri http://kerrilynn1215.blogspot.com/
Melissa http://melissap05.blogspot.com/
For the 10 Honest Things about myself:
- I love Ice Cream. I think I could eat my weight in it.
- I think I have a slight case of OCD - I am big on organization. By alphabet, by color - you get the picture.
- I love 80's/90's rap music. I know every word to "Bust A Move", "Baby's Got Back", and various other songs that I probably shouldn't admit that I know the words to. I don't know where it all fits in my head.
- I have overactive sweat glands and certain fabrics make me have sweaty pits. Seriously. I can have chill bumps and still be sweating like a pig. Gross. FYI - I avoid those fabrics)
- I had a Breast Reduction at the age of 21 and I have never regretted it for a moment.
- I am not a big fan of CNN or Fox News or any other 24 hour a day news channel. I think I would prefer to watch paint dry.
- I would love to be great at gardening but I don't really have a green thumb. At least the plants I have planted recently are still alive. Maybe I will get there some day.
- I love to read fiction novels.
- I honestly don't know how I survived life before TIVO/DVRs
- Last year I donated my hair to Locks of Love. I am currently growing my hair out to donate it again. At least all of those prenatal vitamins have been good for something, right?
OK, so there you have it. That is what it took me all of this time to come up with.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Week 1 Weight Loss
3.4 POUNDS!!!
So, I am 1/3 of the way to my 10 pound goal in just 1 week! I think it is fairly certain that we will be starting our FET next month. :o)
And, the annual exam was relatively painless. There were several PGers at the Dr, but they were all mature women and most of them had their husbands with them - no teenage preggers.
So, all in all it was a pretty good day.
So, I am 1/3 of the way to my 10 pound goal in just 1 week! I think it is fairly certain that we will be starting our FET next month. :o)
And, the annual exam was relatively painless. There were several PGers at the Dr, but they were all mature women and most of them had their husbands with them - no teenage preggers.
So, all in all it was a pretty good day.
Monday, August 10, 2009
Diet - Day 7
So today is my 7th day on the diet. I have done pretty well and stuck to the diet. Any indulgence that I have allowed myself, I have counted the points for. It really hasn't been that bad so far though.
I will weigh in tomorrow morning and officially tally up the loss. If I had more time, I would figure out how to put some sort of a weight loss tracker on the side of my blog so that we could all track the progress I am making and how close I am to my goal.
The other things I need to do on this blog are to:
Accept and Post the Blog Awards that I have been awarded (I haven't been ignoring them)
Post the After Pictures of our Landscaping
Blog about my most recent frame of mind
I promise I will get to these things (and all of the other online things I need to do like that Craig's list posting for my old China) - but my life has been so crazy that I have barely had time to read everyone else's blogs, much less anything else online!
One last thought before I sign off for tonight - Send me well wishes tomorrow if you don't mind. I have my annual female exam tomorrow morning. This is my first appointment with my new OB/GYN since switching last year. Time for another PAP. Goody. I am hoping my time next to PG teenagers will be at a minimum in this office. Cross your fingers for me.
I will weigh in tomorrow morning and officially tally up the loss. If I had more time, I would figure out how to put some sort of a weight loss tracker on the side of my blog so that we could all track the progress I am making and how close I am to my goal.
The other things I need to do on this blog are to:
Accept and Post the Blog Awards that I have been awarded (I haven't been ignoring them)
Post the After Pictures of our Landscaping
Blog about my most recent frame of mind
I promise I will get to these things (and all of the other online things I need to do like that Craig's list posting for my old China) - but my life has been so crazy that I have barely had time to read everyone else's blogs, much less anything else online!
One last thought before I sign off for tonight - Send me well wishes tomorrow if you don't mind. I have my annual female exam tomorrow morning. This is my first appointment with my new OB/GYN since switching last year. Time for another PAP. Goody. I am hoping my time next to PG teenagers will be at a minimum in this office. Cross your fingers for me.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
FET Update - We are Officially Postponed
Well, before it has even started, our FET has been postponed. AF is scheduled to arrive any day now. As I was gearing up to get our FET started, Derek and I discussed a few things we wanted to know from the RE. Since we didn't get a chance to have our follow up failed IVF appointment, I sent our IVF nurse, Joyce, an email regarding our questions. Although she originally suggested that we come in to see Dr. C, she did get the answers to my questions and called me back.
The good news is that even though we only have 1 embryo to transfer, our chances are still in the 40-50% success rate for our FET. The % of a single embryo transfer success is probably about 3-5% lower than a 2 embryo transfer. Dr. C also did not feel that our fragmented beginnings would decrease our chances of success for the FET. That is excellent news in my book. And if anyone does any Dr. Google research and finds any differently, please don't tell me.
I also asked if there was anything I could do to increase our chances. The answer was no. Sort of.
Since we started the whole IF roller coaster, my weight has steadily increased. Don't get me wrong, I am not morbidly obese. But I am also no longer in the target range for my height. So, I asked if I needed to lose some weight prior to the FET to put our chances at a more optimal level. Dr. C said she wouldn't have said anything about my weight, but since I asked, she felt that 1o lbs may make a difference. I know that the range for my height (all 5'3" of me) is between 111-147 and I was at 165 at our last transfer.
The decision was up to us - we could move forward as soon as AF arrives or postpone. I knew that if I didn't choose to try to lose the extra 10 lbs first, if the FET failed I would always worry that the 10 lbs would have made the difference.
So, there you have it. I have postponed our FET until the 10 lbs comes off. I officially started Weight Watchers on Tuesday. In my first attempt at WW 4 years ago, I lost 1o lbs in the first 3 weeks. I am hoping that this attempt will bring similar results and that by the beginning of my next cycle the 10 lbs will be gone...Let's hope that the desire for a baby gives me enough willpower to get through the stress/emotion eating I have become accustomed to in the last 3 years...
The good news is that even though we only have 1 embryo to transfer, our chances are still in the 40-50% success rate for our FET. The % of a single embryo transfer success is probably about 3-5% lower than a 2 embryo transfer. Dr. C also did not feel that our fragmented beginnings would decrease our chances of success for the FET. That is excellent news in my book. And if anyone does any Dr. Google research and finds any differently, please don't tell me.
I also asked if there was anything I could do to increase our chances. The answer was no. Sort of.
Since we started the whole IF roller coaster, my weight has steadily increased. Don't get me wrong, I am not morbidly obese. But I am also no longer in the target range for my height. So, I asked if I needed to lose some weight prior to the FET to put our chances at a more optimal level. Dr. C said she wouldn't have said anything about my weight, but since I asked, she felt that 1o lbs may make a difference. I know that the range for my height (all 5'3" of me) is between 111-147 and I was at 165 at our last transfer.
The decision was up to us - we could move forward as soon as AF arrives or postpone. I knew that if I didn't choose to try to lose the extra 10 lbs first, if the FET failed I would always worry that the 10 lbs would have made the difference.
So, there you have it. I have postponed our FET until the 10 lbs comes off. I officially started Weight Watchers on Tuesday. In my first attempt at WW 4 years ago, I lost 1o lbs in the first 3 weeks. I am hoping that this attempt will bring similar results and that by the beginning of my next cycle the 10 lbs will be gone...Let's hope that the desire for a baby gives me enough willpower to get through the stress/emotion eating I have become accustomed to in the last 3 years...
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