Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Double
This weekend, Carder's eye started watering and began to have some yellowish discharge. On Tuesday, I took him to the Pediatrician to get it checked out. When they weighed him, he was 11 pounds 6 ounces. He has officially doubled his birth weight. I am super proud of him. His weight is now in the 25th percentile.
We didn't see our normal pediatrician as he was on vacation, but the substitute doctor was very nice. She determined that he might have an infection in his eye or it could be a clogged tear duct. Either way, we got some eye drops just in case and it is clearing up nicely.
I also revisited the acid reflux conversation with the Doctor. As you may remember, we discontinued the usage of the Zantac for a few days due to the fact that Carder's appetite had dropped drastically after the immunizations and starting the Zantac. We did attempt to start it back - and the feedings immediately followings the doses of Zantac were TERRIBLE. I began to wonder if the Zantac was making the issue worse. When I discussed this with the Pediatrician, she said that it was possible. She went over his symptoms again and said that he could have Acid Reflux. However, since the symptoms aren't flaring up at every feeding and the medication didn't seem to be improving anything, she thought we should hold off on giving it to him for a while.
The good news is that the "bad feedings" seem to have lightened up a little bit, as have the spit ups followed by crying. We discussed the possibility that perhaps part of his discomfort could be from the type of formula we are supplementing with. I had originally just associated it with when be began eating more, but when he began eating more was when we began supplementing more as well - so the symptoms began to get worse when we started upping the amount of supplementation She suggested that we try the soy based formula to see if it that made a difference in his comfort level. We have been using Neosure - a formula specifically formulated for preemies that has a couple extra calories per ounce - but since his growth has been catching up, she thinks we could forgo those extra calories at this point. Part of me is ready to make the switch, but another part of me wants to hold off and continue giving him those extra calories for a couple more weeks. It is difficult to know which is better - the extra calories or a possible better/worse tolerance for a new formula.
We didn't see our normal pediatrician as he was on vacation, but the substitute doctor was very nice. She determined that he might have an infection in his eye or it could be a clogged tear duct. Either way, we got some eye drops just in case and it is clearing up nicely.
I also revisited the acid reflux conversation with the Doctor. As you may remember, we discontinued the usage of the Zantac for a few days due to the fact that Carder's appetite had dropped drastically after the immunizations and starting the Zantac. We did attempt to start it back - and the feedings immediately followings the doses of Zantac were TERRIBLE. I began to wonder if the Zantac was making the issue worse. When I discussed this with the Pediatrician, she said that it was possible. She went over his symptoms again and said that he could have Acid Reflux. However, since the symptoms aren't flaring up at every feeding and the medication didn't seem to be improving anything, she thought we should hold off on giving it to him for a while.
The good news is that the "bad feedings" seem to have lightened up a little bit, as have the spit ups followed by crying. We discussed the possibility that perhaps part of his discomfort could be from the type of formula we are supplementing with. I had originally just associated it with when be began eating more, but when he began eating more was when we began supplementing more as well - so the symptoms began to get worse when we started upping the amount of supplementation She suggested that we try the soy based formula to see if it that made a difference in his comfort level. We have been using Neosure - a formula specifically formulated for preemies that has a couple extra calories per ounce - but since his growth has been catching up, she thinks we could forgo those extra calories at this point. Part of me is ready to make the switch, but another part of me wants to hold off and continue giving him those extra calories for a couple more weeks. It is difficult to know which is better - the extra calories or a possible better/worse tolerance for a new formula.
Sunday, August 21, 2011
What Do Fresh Mozzerella and Ovaries have in Common???
Derek and I were preparing some fresh mozzarella over tomatoes. The grocery store was out of the type of mozzarella that we normally buy, so Derek had bought a ball of mozzarella pearls - small balls of mozzarella smushed together into a large ball.
As he was slicing the ball of cheese, Derek said "I bet this is what your ovaries looked like while you were stimming. And it is probably about the right size."
Up until then, I hadn't really looked at the ball of cheese. But when I did, I realized that he was spot on with the comparison. The resemblance was uncanny.
I wonder if anyone (who isn't an RE or infertile) has ever made that comparison before.
As he was slicing the ball of cheese, Derek said "I bet this is what your ovaries looked like while you were stimming. And it is probably about the right size."
Up until then, I hadn't really looked at the ball of cheese. But when I did, I realized that he was spot on with the comparison. The resemblance was uncanny.
I wonder if anyone (who isn't an RE or infertile) has ever made that comparison before.
Friday, August 19, 2011
Sleeping Through the Night???
Wednesday night, Carder switched up his schedule on us a bit - he had his normal 7:30ish feeding. Typically, after that feeding, he will do a play/nap combo and will wake up sometime between 10:30 and 11:30 for his next feeding. But on Wednesday, at 9:15, he got very fussy and was attacking his pacifier like he hadn't eaten all day. So I went ahead and fed him again. Since his nigh time pattern has been to eat about 4-5 hours later, I figured that he would be waking up sometime around 1 or 2 for his next feeding. I pumped and headed on to bed, expecting to be awakened in the middle of the night.
I woke up at 3 am, realized the time, worried why he hadn't woken up to eat yet, checked to make sure he was breathing and then headed back to bed. He didn't waken until 4:15 for his next feeding. That was 7 hours after his previous feeding. He slept for 6+ hours. I got 4 1/2 hours of sleep - the most continuous sleep I have had since he came home from the hospital. It was marvelous.
I cautiously told my mom and a couple of friends about this development - entirely convinced that this was a fluke and that it wouldn't be occurring again for a while. This statement was, of course, followed by knocking on wood...
Last night, after his 7:30ish feeding, he showed signs of hunger again at about 10:20. After feeding him, he was wide awake. I had already pumped, but decided to attempt to put him to bed and get some sleep. I swaddled the wide eyed little man and walked out of the room for a minute. I came back to a baby sleeping soundly and crawled into bed. I think I was asleep the moment my head hit the pillow.
Imagine my surprise when there was a repeat performance of another 7 hour stretch and he didn't awake until almost 5:20 this morning for his next feeding.
I may have a baby who is sleeping through the night. (Knock Knock Knock on some wood)
I have to tell you - sleep is a wonderful thing. I feel refreshed. I can actually remember why I walked into a room. Heck, I can even remember my own name now. (Sleep deprivation has not been nice to me, people.)
But as nice as this is, it is tainted with sadness. It brings with it the realization that my baby is growing up. Quickly. Before I know it he will be running around, opening up cabinets and emptying their contents on the floor before flushing something valuable down the toilet. He won't be this cuddly little boy who loves to sleep in my arms and who stares deeply into my eyes while I feed him much longer. And as much as I am cherishing every moment of sleep, a part of me is sad to see that he is growing up so quickly. It reminds me that I need to stop watching TV while I feed him - I need to drink in every moment that he is staring into my eyes as he eats so that I don't miss it. I need to take more pictures of him at this age. I need to make sure there are more pictures of he and I together so that I can look back and remember just how it was. And I need to stop typing this section of this post before I get too emotional - the tears are already welling in my eyes...
I woke up at 3 am, realized the time, worried why he hadn't woken up to eat yet, checked to make sure he was breathing and then headed back to bed. He didn't waken until 4:15 for his next feeding. That was 7 hours after his previous feeding. He slept for 6+ hours. I got 4 1/2 hours of sleep - the most continuous sleep I have had since he came home from the hospital. It was marvelous.
I cautiously told my mom and a couple of friends about this development - entirely convinced that this was a fluke and that it wouldn't be occurring again for a while. This statement was, of course, followed by knocking on wood...
Last night, after his 7:30ish feeding, he showed signs of hunger again at about 10:20. After feeding him, he was wide awake. I had already pumped, but decided to attempt to put him to bed and get some sleep. I swaddled the wide eyed little man and walked out of the room for a minute. I came back to a baby sleeping soundly and crawled into bed. I think I was asleep the moment my head hit the pillow.
Imagine my surprise when there was a repeat performance of another 7 hour stretch and he didn't awake until almost 5:20 this morning for his next feeding.
I may have a baby who is sleeping through the night. (Knock Knock Knock on some wood)
I have to tell you - sleep is a wonderful thing. I feel refreshed. I can actually remember why I walked into a room. Heck, I can even remember my own name now. (Sleep deprivation has not been nice to me, people.)
But as nice as this is, it is tainted with sadness. It brings with it the realization that my baby is growing up. Quickly. Before I know it he will be running around, opening up cabinets and emptying their contents on the floor before flushing something valuable down the toilet. He won't be this cuddly little boy who loves to sleep in my arms and who stares deeply into my eyes while I feed him much longer. And as much as I am cherishing every moment of sleep, a part of me is sad to see that he is growing up so quickly. It reminds me that I need to stop watching TV while I feed him - I need to drink in every moment that he is staring into my eyes as he eats so that I don't miss it. I need to take more pictures of him at this age. I need to make sure there are more pictures of he and I together so that I can look back and remember just how it was. And I need to stop typing this section of this post before I get too emotional - the tears are already welling in my eyes...
Monday, August 15, 2011
Well Child, Vaccines, and Reflux
On Thursday, we had Carder's 2 month Well Child Check up. The doctor is very happy with his growth and development. There are a couple of 2 month milestones that Carder is meeting that his pedi is very happy about. Due to his prematurity, some of these milestones may come a bit later for Carder than for some other babies. Each situation is different and we will just have to be patient to see which milestones he meets on time and which ones are delayed. His weight gain has been good - he has gone from barely being on the growth charts for his weight to being in the 10th percentile. The doctor seemed to think that by 6 months, his growth will have caught up. We are crossing our fingers that the doctor is right.
I was dreading the vaccinations terribly. From a few face plants on our chests, I already knew that I don't like the sound of the wail my baby makes when he is in pain. Derek already had his orders that he was to do any holding down necessary. Carder took his oral vaccine like a champ (although part of it did get spit onto the Nurse). He also took his 3 injections very well. He wailed in pain, but nuzzled into my chest and clung to me closely for comfort from the pain. Derek said that it was really very cute. It still broke my heart to hear him cry.
Just before Carder's 2 month Pediatrician appointment, he began having a few symptoms that concerned me. He had begun eating quite a bit more at each feeding, but the amount of spit up had increased as well. In addition, towards the end of the feeding, he began crying while being fed. This alarmed us both. After discussing these changes with the Pediatrician, it was determined that he probably has acid reflux. This isn't what I had hoped to hear - after all, I have several friends who have suffered through reflux hell. I got his prescription for Zantac filled that day and started giving him the meds that night. I don't know how much of the first few doses that he got - he spit quite a bit of them back out. I tasted the medicine and figured out that perhaps it needed to be flavored. The pharmacy then flavored the medicine, but I don't think it tastes any better. It actually may taste worse now. Anyway, I have been putting the medication further back in his mouth and I think he is getting more of it now.
BUT
Since the vaccines, Carder's appetite has decreased drastically. He went from eating 5 ounces at almost every feeding to eating barely 3. And the crying at the end of a feeding hasn't improved much, if at all. Derek isn't convinced that he has reflux (but he doesn't see every single feeding like I do) and he thinks we shouldn't be giving Carder medication if he doesn't need it. I agree that we shouldn't use a medication if we don't need it, but at the same time, I know that he can't quite tell us if it hurts.
And I know that something isn't right. Babies don't cry at the end of a bottle unless it is empty and they are still hungry. Carder is crying with the bottle in his mouth while there is still plenty there AFTER he has finished an ounce or more. And I also know from reading the stories of other moms online that NOT treating reflux can have terrible outcomes as the baby begins to avoid feedings due to the pain.
I wish that I had waited to start the medication until after the vaccines had a few days to get out of his system, that way I would know if the decrease in appetite was a side effect of the vaccine or the Zantac.
I did put in a call to the Pediatrician today to get his input on what could be causing the decrease in appetite. He indicated it could be either the vaccines or the Zantac and he said we should stop using the Zantac for a few days to see if the amount of feeding increases and then to call them back with an update. Since the immunization side effects should be wearing off any time now, I don't really know what this will accomplish - other than delaying the medication from helping him if it is going to.
I am going to go with the Pediatrician's recommendation to stop the Zantac for now. And I am going to do some more research online. However, if the crying at the end of a feeding doesn't get any better, I am going to schedule another visit with the Pediatrician to see if we can get to the bottom of this before it gets worse or before the damage is irreparable.
I was dreading the vaccinations terribly. From a few face plants on our chests, I already knew that I don't like the sound of the wail my baby makes when he is in pain. Derek already had his orders that he was to do any holding down necessary. Carder took his oral vaccine like a champ (although part of it did get spit onto the Nurse). He also took his 3 injections very well. He wailed in pain, but nuzzled into my chest and clung to me closely for comfort from the pain. Derek said that it was really very cute. It still broke my heart to hear him cry.
Just before Carder's 2 month Pediatrician appointment, he began having a few symptoms that concerned me. He had begun eating quite a bit more at each feeding, but the amount of spit up had increased as well. In addition, towards the end of the feeding, he began crying while being fed. This alarmed us both. After discussing these changes with the Pediatrician, it was determined that he probably has acid reflux. This isn't what I had hoped to hear - after all, I have several friends who have suffered through reflux hell. I got his prescription for Zantac filled that day and started giving him the meds that night. I don't know how much of the first few doses that he got - he spit quite a bit of them back out. I tasted the medicine and figured out that perhaps it needed to be flavored. The pharmacy then flavored the medicine, but I don't think it tastes any better. It actually may taste worse now. Anyway, I have been putting the medication further back in his mouth and I think he is getting more of it now.
BUT
Since the vaccines, Carder's appetite has decreased drastically. He went from eating 5 ounces at almost every feeding to eating barely 3. And the crying at the end of a feeding hasn't improved much, if at all. Derek isn't convinced that he has reflux (but he doesn't see every single feeding like I do) and he thinks we shouldn't be giving Carder medication if he doesn't need it. I agree that we shouldn't use a medication if we don't need it, but at the same time, I know that he can't quite tell us if it hurts.
And I know that something isn't right. Babies don't cry at the end of a bottle unless it is empty and they are still hungry. Carder is crying with the bottle in his mouth while there is still plenty there AFTER he has finished an ounce or more. And I also know from reading the stories of other moms online that NOT treating reflux can have terrible outcomes as the baby begins to avoid feedings due to the pain.
I wish that I had waited to start the medication until after the vaccines had a few days to get out of his system, that way I would know if the decrease in appetite was a side effect of the vaccine or the Zantac.
I did put in a call to the Pediatrician today to get his input on what could be causing the decrease in appetite. He indicated it could be either the vaccines or the Zantac and he said we should stop using the Zantac for a few days to see if the amount of feeding increases and then to call them back with an update. Since the immunization side effects should be wearing off any time now, I don't really know what this will accomplish - other than delaying the medication from helping him if it is going to.
I am going to go with the Pediatrician's recommendation to stop the Zantac for now. And I am going to do some more research online. However, if the crying at the end of a feeding doesn't get any better, I am going to schedule another visit with the Pediatrician to see if we can get to the bottom of this before it gets worse or before the damage is irreparable.
Visit with the Grandparents
Last week, my parents drove up from Georgia and spent a week with us. My mom had gotten to meet Carder when he was born, but hadn't had a chance to hold him or give him much loving. This was my Dad's first trip to meet his grandson.
Both of my parents were enamored with Carder. They spent every moment they could holding him, kissing him, feeding him, nuzzling with him. It really was great to finally see my parents getting to spend time with him. I had waited a long time to get to see my parents as grandparents. Seeing them bond with Carder was definitely worth the wait.
Both of my parents were enamored with Carder. They spent every moment they could holding him, kissing him, feeding him, nuzzling with him. It really was great to finally see my parents getting to spend time with him. I had waited a long time to get to see my parents as grandparents. Seeing them bond with Carder was definitely worth the wait.
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| A Kiss from Grandpa |
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| Nuzzling with Grandma in the Nursery |
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| Grandpa reading "Go, Dog! Go", one of my favorite childhood books |
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| Early Morning Nap in their PJ's - Grandma and Carder |
It was a great visit. My mom had cooked and frozen quite a few meals. While they were here, we were very well fed with very minimal time in the kitchen. Mom even brought along a few extra things to leave in our freezer so that I could have some quick and easy meals for days that cooking was hard to get to. Dad helped Derek with a few projects around the house that I hadn't been able to help with. I got to take a few naps at times when I wouldn't normally have been able to. We didn't go anywhere and do anything, but we had an excellent time. And I am not sure who was more spoiled by the time they left - Carder or me.
Although I had anticipated their leaving being difficult, it was harder than I had imagined it would be. The day they left, I cried multiple times and spent the day wishing that we lived closer. When we moved to Michigan, I never thought that living that far from my parents would be as difficult as it has been. Becoming a mother has created a bond between my mother and I that didn't exist before, which makes the distance between us that much harder.
Nursery Pictures
Since Carder arrived early, I didn't get his nursery decorations finished and hung until after his arrival and his return home. I know that it is (once again) late, but I wanted to have the pictures of his nursery documented here.
I painted these letters and hung them from ribbon above his dresser. His dresser (which is actually the dresser from our bedroom suit) doubles as the changing table. He loves to look up at his name while he is on his changing pad.
Here are the pictures that I painted for the nursery. The grouping started out as 3 - the monkey, lion, and hippo. However, since Carder spent the first few days of his life in an isolette called a "Giraffe", the giraffe was painted and added to the grouping to represent those first few days of his life.
The 4 paitings are hung above his crib. On the same wall, there are 3 shelves hung to balance out that wall. Currently, jungle themed Beanie Babies are sitting on these shelves. I am sure their contents will be updated frequently.
2 Months Old
A few days late, but here is the Two Month Update...
At Two Months:
At Two Months:
- Weighs 10 pounds 9 ounces (10th percentile)
- Measured 23 inches long (25-50th percentile)
- Head Circumference 14 3/4 inches
- Is wearing 0-3 Month Sized Clothing but has already outgrown Gerber 0-3 month onesies
- Is eating about 5 oz (150 ML) per feeding, 6 times per day
- Feedings are approximately 4 hours apart, with some as short as 3 hours and some as long as 5 hours
- Is currently getting a combination of breast milk and formula. All feedings are by bottle.
- Smiles in sleep frequently and when awake occasionally. Appears to have smiled a few times socially but we are still awaiting the big gummy grins that happen frequently.
- Coos on a regular basis. Will coo at family or at items he likes.
- Loves to sleep on Mommy's or Daddy's chest
- Loves to lay in Mommy and Daddy's bed (always with close supervision)
- Has tolerated Tummy Time on floor but prefers to be held by Mommy and do his Tummy Time there.
- Loves his swing, both side to side and front to back.
- Loves to stare at the ceiling fan
- Tolerates rides in car seat quite well for the short distances we have travelled
- Prefers not to be swaddled (he likes to have his arms near his head) but sleeps better when swaddled. When not swaddled, Moro reflex wakens him often. He now has longer naps and night times swaddled.
- Still hasn't really been out in public much, but much more than at 1 month
- Is wearing size 1 Disposable diapers or Newborn prefolds in the Size One Thirsties Duos.
Monday, August 8, 2011
Torn
First of all, thank you to those of you who commented on my last post - especially those who were able to validate how I was feeling with their own experiences. It makes it so much easier to believe that you aren't depressed when you put it out there and you find out that everyone else goes through the same range of emotions. Thank you for letting me know that I am not alone!
After we moved, you may remember that I got a part time job through a temp agency. At the time, I didn't think my chances of landing a full time job were very good (considering that I was noticeably pregnant). I got a job working in my field that was low stress and only 3 days a week. The pay wasn't great, but it was decent. The company had said that they wanted me to come back after Carder was born, but I wasn't sure if they were really going to hold a position for me.
Now that Carder is here and he is getting older, Derek and I have been discussing the options surrounding me going back to work. In the last week, the options have defined themselves a little bit and now I have some decisions to make.
The first option is to be a Stay At Home Mom for a while - probably until he is 6 months or a year old. A large part of me loves this option. There is a good possibility that he will be our only child and he will only be little once. I would love the opportunity to stay home and watch him grow every day - see him blossom before my eyes. I can't roll back the clock and get back the time I miss if I go back to work. This option also has it's down sides. The biggest one is the financial side of things. Our lifestyle in this new city is much smaller than it was previously and we could make it on only Derek's salary for a while (but would have to dip into our savings occasionally). The other one is the job market right now. If I were to choose this option, I would need to look for full time employment when I do return to work. With this market, it may be tough to find a job when you have been jobless for over a year, even if it was because you weren't looking for work.
The second option is for me to go back to work at the part time job. They have offered me a contract position starting out part time that can morph into a full time job in the future. The rate is good - almost as much as what I was making at my old job in Georgia. The company is great and the work wasn't stressful. I love the people I was working with. The main downside to this option is that I have to go back to work and that I will miss my baby. Of course, this would only be for 3 days a week and I would still be home more than I am away from him. In addition, this option would get me out of the house and has me having adult interaction and gives me a sense of worth. BUT I WOULD MISS BEING WITH MY BABY.
The third option would be for me to attempt to find some contract work I could do from home. My old job actually contacted me this last week with an offer to do some contract work for them at a really good rate. The big problem is that what they are offering me would be a good chunk at the beginning and then only a few hours per month from then on for a few months. This option is the least sustainable option. Of course, the ability to make some money and stay at home is probably the most appealing as well because it would be the best of both worlds.
I have considered contacting the old job and seeing if there was any possibility that this first contract job would turn into anything else. If I was guaranteed a certain amount of work per month for a specific period of time, I could really try to make this option work. However, I don't see that being in the cards.
I have also considered asking the part time job if they would consider letting me start back at 2 10-hour days rather than 3 8-hour days. The net result would be 4 hours less per week, but much more manageable emotionally for me those first few weeks.
More than likely, I will be going back to my part time job. I think that in the long term, this makes the most sense and is probably what is best for me. BUT it breaks my heart to think of leaving him in the care of someone else and risking missing something monumental like the first time he rolls over or the first time he walks or his first real words. I have cried uncontrollably at the thought of it more than once this week and I have also experienced a good bit of anxiety about it.
And, if I do decide on going back to the part time job, I need to decide if I want to pick up the contract work from my old job in addition. The few hours a month wouldn't be too taxing, but the large chunk in the beginning (when I am trying to adjust to spending less time with my baby) would be the hardest part.
Regardless, in these next few days, I need to figure out what I am going to do and begin making preparations for whatever choice I make. The funny thing is that if I still had my full time job in Georgia and had been out on maternity leave, I don't know if being a SAHM would have even been an option.
For those of you who have been though this, if you have any advice on how you came to your decision would be much appreciated.
After we moved, you may remember that I got a part time job through a temp agency. At the time, I didn't think my chances of landing a full time job were very good (considering that I was noticeably pregnant). I got a job working in my field that was low stress and only 3 days a week. The pay wasn't great, but it was decent. The company had said that they wanted me to come back after Carder was born, but I wasn't sure if they were really going to hold a position for me.
Now that Carder is here and he is getting older, Derek and I have been discussing the options surrounding me going back to work. In the last week, the options have defined themselves a little bit and now I have some decisions to make.
The first option is to be a Stay At Home Mom for a while - probably until he is 6 months or a year old. A large part of me loves this option. There is a good possibility that he will be our only child and he will only be little once. I would love the opportunity to stay home and watch him grow every day - see him blossom before my eyes. I can't roll back the clock and get back the time I miss if I go back to work. This option also has it's down sides. The biggest one is the financial side of things. Our lifestyle in this new city is much smaller than it was previously and we could make it on only Derek's salary for a while (but would have to dip into our savings occasionally). The other one is the job market right now. If I were to choose this option, I would need to look for full time employment when I do return to work. With this market, it may be tough to find a job when you have been jobless for over a year, even if it was because you weren't looking for work.
The second option is for me to go back to work at the part time job. They have offered me a contract position starting out part time that can morph into a full time job in the future. The rate is good - almost as much as what I was making at my old job in Georgia. The company is great and the work wasn't stressful. I love the people I was working with. The main downside to this option is that I have to go back to work and that I will miss my baby. Of course, this would only be for 3 days a week and I would still be home more than I am away from him. In addition, this option would get me out of the house and has me having adult interaction and gives me a sense of worth. BUT I WOULD MISS BEING WITH MY BABY.
The third option would be for me to attempt to find some contract work I could do from home. My old job actually contacted me this last week with an offer to do some contract work for them at a really good rate. The big problem is that what they are offering me would be a good chunk at the beginning and then only a few hours per month from then on for a few months. This option is the least sustainable option. Of course, the ability to make some money and stay at home is probably the most appealing as well because it would be the best of both worlds.
I have considered contacting the old job and seeing if there was any possibility that this first contract job would turn into anything else. If I was guaranteed a certain amount of work per month for a specific period of time, I could really try to make this option work. However, I don't see that being in the cards.
I have also considered asking the part time job if they would consider letting me start back at 2 10-hour days rather than 3 8-hour days. The net result would be 4 hours less per week, but much more manageable emotionally for me those first few weeks.
More than likely, I will be going back to my part time job. I think that in the long term, this makes the most sense and is probably what is best for me. BUT it breaks my heart to think of leaving him in the care of someone else and risking missing something monumental like the first time he rolls over or the first time he walks or his first real words. I have cried uncontrollably at the thought of it more than once this week and I have also experienced a good bit of anxiety about it.
And, if I do decide on going back to the part time job, I need to decide if I want to pick up the contract work from my old job in addition. The few hours a month wouldn't be too taxing, but the large chunk in the beginning (when I am trying to adjust to spending less time with my baby) would be the hardest part.
Regardless, in these next few days, I need to figure out what I am going to do and begin making preparations for whatever choice I make. The funny thing is that if I still had my full time job in Georgia and had been out on maternity leave, I don't know if being a SAHM would have even been an option.
For those of you who have been though this, if you have any advice on how you came to your decision would be much appreciated.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
I'm Not Suffering from Depression
Yesterday was my postpartum appointment. In the days leading up to this appointment, I began to get more and more anxious about what Dr. M was going to have to say regarding my emotional state.
In the days when we were still trying to conceive, I imagined that bringing a baby home would be sunshine and rainbows EVERY. MINUTE. EVERY. DAY.
So when we brought Carder home, I was alarmed to find that I was having many periods filled with anxiety, exhaustion, and feeling basically overwhelmed. Even though I didn't voice this out loud very often, I was beginning to wonder if I was suffering from postpartum depression. After all, we tried for 6 years for this miracle baby. Shouldn't I just be smiling from ear to ear and ecstatic 24/7? This fear was compounded if I had a moment of feeling severely overwhelmed and Derek asked me if I was depressed.
So, I was dreading the conversation and the prescription to follow. I didn't want to be put on something that would make me feel absolutely nothing. When Dr. M asked me how I was feeling, I answered him honestly. I told him that I had good days and bad days. On the good days, I felt energized and like my old self, just happier because I had a perfect baby in my arms. On the bad days, I felt like I wasn't coping with anything well at all - I slept all I could, cried at the smallest thing, and felt very frustrated with Derek for not helping out unless I specifically asked him to do something.
Dr. M (who is MARVELOUS) was so kind. He patted my leg, held my hand while I cried, and told me that he thought what I was experiencing was normal - that having a baby was a big change and required a big adjustment. He told me to be more open and clear with Derek regarding what I needed him to do to help me out so that I wouldn't feel so overwhelmed. And he made me feel better by saying that he and his wife suffered the same adjustment period after each of their 6 children were born.
I felt so relieved that he didn't think I was depressed that I cried again.
Health wise, I am healing just fine. No issues to report. He thought that it was probably time for me to start phasing out the breast feeding due to the issues I have been experiencing and my imminent return to work. We are having to supplement more and more as the little guy grows. And, although I probably should pump each time he eats, I am cutting down on my pumping - I just can't keep it up and I have to do something for my sanity. I don't want to spend these last few weeks at home with him resentful of the pump.
We also had the discussion about birth control. Derek and I had already had a pre-discussion and I had a pretty good idea of where I wanted to be. Right now, while I am getting little sleep and still adjusting to being a mother, I cannot fathom beginning to try for another one and all that entails for us. But, I know that our odds of conceiving on our own are very small (unless we become one of those Aunt Jane stories) and if we did happen to have a surprise pregnancy, I would be happy to have a second child. We both felt that we should avoid birth control. Thankfully, Dr. M considered our circumstances for just a moment before saying he didn't think we should use birth control. He cited our low chance of conceiving as one of the primary reasons and my emotions as another. Since I was feeling emotional and afraid of depression, he didn't want to add any unnecessary hormones into the mix.
In the days when we were still trying to conceive, I imagined that bringing a baby home would be sunshine and rainbows EVERY. MINUTE. EVERY. DAY.
So when we brought Carder home, I was alarmed to find that I was having many periods filled with anxiety, exhaustion, and feeling basically overwhelmed. Even though I didn't voice this out loud very often, I was beginning to wonder if I was suffering from postpartum depression. After all, we tried for 6 years for this miracle baby. Shouldn't I just be smiling from ear to ear and ecstatic 24/7? This fear was compounded if I had a moment of feeling severely overwhelmed and Derek asked me if I was depressed.
So, I was dreading the conversation and the prescription to follow. I didn't want to be put on something that would make me feel absolutely nothing. When Dr. M asked me how I was feeling, I answered him honestly. I told him that I had good days and bad days. On the good days, I felt energized and like my old self, just happier because I had a perfect baby in my arms. On the bad days, I felt like I wasn't coping with anything well at all - I slept all I could, cried at the smallest thing, and felt very frustrated with Derek for not helping out unless I specifically asked him to do something.
Dr. M (who is MARVELOUS) was so kind. He patted my leg, held my hand while I cried, and told me that he thought what I was experiencing was normal - that having a baby was a big change and required a big adjustment. He told me to be more open and clear with Derek regarding what I needed him to do to help me out so that I wouldn't feel so overwhelmed. And he made me feel better by saying that he and his wife suffered the same adjustment period after each of their 6 children were born.
I felt so relieved that he didn't think I was depressed that I cried again.
Health wise, I am healing just fine. No issues to report. He thought that it was probably time for me to start phasing out the breast feeding due to the issues I have been experiencing and my imminent return to work. We are having to supplement more and more as the little guy grows. And, although I probably should pump each time he eats, I am cutting down on my pumping - I just can't keep it up and I have to do something for my sanity. I don't want to spend these last few weeks at home with him resentful of the pump.
We also had the discussion about birth control. Derek and I had already had a pre-discussion and I had a pretty good idea of where I wanted to be. Right now, while I am getting little sleep and still adjusting to being a mother, I cannot fathom beginning to try for another one and all that entails for us. But, I know that our odds of conceiving on our own are very small (unless we become one of those Aunt Jane stories) and if we did happen to have a surprise pregnancy, I would be happy to have a second child. We both felt that we should avoid birth control. Thankfully, Dr. M considered our circumstances for just a moment before saying he didn't think we should use birth control. He cited our low chance of conceiving as one of the primary reasons and my emotions as another. Since I was feeling emotional and afraid of depression, he didn't want to add any unnecessary hormones into the mix.
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