Winds of Change???

I have already posted about how my prayers have changed in the last weeks. On Sept 3, I felt as if one of my prayers was being answered.

A co-worker & friend of mine who suffered from IF told me of another co-worker who has a high school aged child who is expecting. Please note that this is NOT the same co-worker I posted about a couple of weeks ago. My place of employment has over 700 employees and this is a co-worker whose name I have heard but have never met. Anyway, this girl and her boyfriend are not ready for the responsibilities of parenthood – they are both intelligent kids that got caught in an unfortunate situation. She wants to give the baby up for adoption. As I was talking to my friend about this girl, I began to feel this stir of emotions. She said that she knew that we were coming to the end of our attempts at a biological child and she wanted to pass the information along **JUST** in case we were interested. I told her that I didn’t know if we were ready for that step yet and thanked her for thinking of us. But after I got off the phone with her, the stir of emotions kept swelling up. I found myself in the bathroom crying. Not because I was sad, but because I felt this strong pull towards the situation. And even more importantly, I felt a very strong wave of something that I had lost forever.

Hope.

For the first time in a long time, I felt certain that even if my womb was forever empty, that someday my arms and my heart would be full. It was so strange – I felt this surge of hope rush over me and I felt so calm – but at the time, I also felt scared shitless! I would say that it is probably the same feeling you get when you finally get a positive pregnancy test. And I realized the tears that I was crying were NOT because I was sad. For the first time in as long as I can remember, they were tears of happiness, hope and of feeling like I knew for certain that we would be parents.

Now, I am not saying that THIS child is the child that will fill my heart and my arms.

But I now feel as if I have some direction as to how I truly feel about adoption and I know it is a step that I am emotionally prepared to take. I have worried that I would feel like I missed out on carrying our child – but now I know that I wouldn’t feel that way at all. I would just be so happy to be holding our child, rocking he or she to sleep, making pancakes with it on Sunday mornings, kissing his or her boo boos when they fell down, teaching them to love nature, and giving them all the love we have to give. It wouldn’t matter that I didn’t conceive it or carry it; that child would be our son or our daughter.

And THAT is what I call some forward progress.