Decisions, Decisions...Comments Appreciated

I have a decision to make.  I just got a reminder from my phone that it is time to call and schedule my annual exam with my OBGYN.  And the same day that happened, AF arrived.

Even though I used to absolutely flood this space with TMI about my monthly cycles and our procreation attempts, I have been pretty quiet about it since Carder's arrival.

I know I have mentioned this before, but just in case anyone missed the posting:  Derek and I have decided not to pursue further fertility treatments.  Our disposable income drastically decreased when we moved to Michigan and we would rather use the money to spoil the one child we have.  We aren't "close" to a fertility treatment center.  Since it would be a new clinic, we may be required to do a fresh cycle before we would qualify for embryo adoption.  We are both over 35 and having the energy to chase after a little one (who still doesn't sleep all the way through the night in his own bed) is hard enough without adding a second child (or even more with ART in the mix).  Any resulting pregnancy would probably land me on bed rest due to a premature birth with our first child.  Anyway, you get the picture.

Although I would LOVE another child and I often get very sad when thinking that I will never get to experience all of the joy another child would bring, we won't be going down the path that would be the most likely to result in another child.  Instead, I have been crossing my fingers for a "miracle" pregnancy and hoping to become "that woman" that everyone keeps telling all of the other Infertiles about.

Yeah, I know...not very likely.  I would have better chances of winning mega millions in the lottery.

So this leads me to my decision that needs to be made.

To Birth Control or Not to Birth Control, that is the Question.

Last year, Dr. M and I decided that since we wouldn't be disappointed with a miracle pregnancy, we would be better off leaving BC out of the mix.

This year, I am not so sure.  AF has gotten to be a total bitch.  Before Carder, I had heavy flow and what I considered to be major cramping with the occasional migraine and IBS flare up thrown in the mix.  Now, I still get the heavy flow.  And I get severe cramping (that almost feels like back labor).  And in 7 out of the last 8 cycles I have gotten a severe migraine.  And most months I get an IBS flare up as well.  And now I sometimes get some random heavy spotting a few days before AF arrives.  (This, of course, leads the hopeful infertile to always wonder if it could possibly be implantation bleeding.)  Joy, joy.  Multiple curse words strung together.  Oh, and I have short cycles so this happens every 25ish days.  More multiple curse words strung together.

So first of all - am I the only one who has suffered a drastic change in menstrual cycles after childbirth?  Does anyone have any similar personal experience to share?

I don't know if there could be something related to having a Cesarean delivery that would cause a change in my cycles (scar tissue?  adhesions?  endometriosis?) or if it is changes in my hormone levels as I age that just signal my body is getting older?

Regardless, I think it is time to have the conversation with Dr. Marvelous about what the next step is.  And it may be time for me to throw the last bit of optimism and hope (regardless of how small that % of likelihood) that we will ever have another child out of the window.  And to be honest, that thought makes me very sad.

But as I sat in the floor of Carder's room last night doing our bedtime routine trying to decide if I was about to puke from the migraine or pass out from the back pain, I realized that spending a couple of days each cycle dealing with this crap just so I could UNSUCCESSFULLY ATTEMPT to defy the odds and get that miracle baby just might not be worth it anymore...

Any comments that you might have would be appreciated.

Also, I know I am WAY behind on posting and I have multiple draft posts that I will be flooding the internets with soon.