Decisions, Decisions...Comments Appreciated

I have a decision to make.  I just got a reminder from my phone that it is time to call and schedule my annual exam with my OBGYN.  And the same day that happened, AF arrived.

Even though I used to absolutely flood this space with TMI about my monthly cycles and our procreation attempts, I have been pretty quiet about it since Carder's arrival.

I know I have mentioned this before, but just in case anyone missed the posting:  Derek and I have decided not to pursue further fertility treatments.  Our disposable income drastically decreased when we moved to Michigan and we would rather use the money to spoil the one child we have.  We aren't "close" to a fertility treatment center.  Since it would be a new clinic, we may be required to do a fresh cycle before we would qualify for embryo adoption.  We are both over 35 and having the energy to chase after a little one (who still doesn't sleep all the way through the night in his own bed) is hard enough without adding a second child (or even more with ART in the mix).  Any resulting pregnancy would probably land me on bed rest due to a premature birth with our first child.  Anyway, you get the picture.

Although I would LOVE another child and I often get very sad when thinking that I will never get to experience all of the joy another child would bring, we won't be going down the path that would be the most likely to result in another child.  Instead, I have been crossing my fingers for a "miracle" pregnancy and hoping to become "that woman" that everyone keeps telling all of the other Infertiles about.

Yeah, I know...not very likely.  I would have better chances of winning mega millions in the lottery.

So this leads me to my decision that needs to be made.

To Birth Control or Not to Birth Control, that is the Question.

Last year, Dr. M and I decided that since we wouldn't be disappointed with a miracle pregnancy, we would be better off leaving BC out of the mix.

This year, I am not so sure.  AF has gotten to be a total bitch.  Before Carder, I had heavy flow and what I considered to be major cramping with the occasional migraine and IBS flare up thrown in the mix.  Now, I still get the heavy flow.  And I get severe cramping (that almost feels like back labor).  And in 7 out of the last 8 cycles I have gotten a severe migraine.  And most months I get an IBS flare up as well.  And now I sometimes get some random heavy spotting a few days before AF arrives.  (This, of course, leads the hopeful infertile to always wonder if it could possibly be implantation bleeding.)  Joy, joy.  Multiple curse words strung together.  Oh, and I have short cycles so this happens every 25ish days.  More multiple curse words strung together.

So first of all - am I the only one who has suffered a drastic change in menstrual cycles after childbirth?  Does anyone have any similar personal experience to share?

I don't know if there could be something related to having a Cesarean delivery that would cause a change in my cycles (scar tissue?  adhesions?  endometriosis?) or if it is changes in my hormone levels as I age that just signal my body is getting older?

Regardless, I think it is time to have the conversation with Dr. Marvelous about what the next step is.  And it may be time for me to throw the last bit of optimism and hope (regardless of how small that % of likelihood) that we will ever have another child out of the window.  And to be honest, that thought makes me very sad.

But as I sat in the floor of Carder's room last night doing our bedtime routine trying to decide if I was about to puke from the migraine or pass out from the back pain, I realized that spending a couple of days each cycle dealing with this crap just so I could UNSUCCESSFULLY ATTEMPT to defy the odds and get that miracle baby just might not be worth it anymore...

Any comments that you might have would be appreciated.

Also, I know I am WAY behind on posting and I have multiple draft posts that I will be flooding the internets with soon.

It's Like Riding a Bicycle

At least that is my opinion, anyway…

Although I am a mother, I didn’t achieve a pregnancy without medical intervention and without the genetic assistance of others.  And even though I had the honor of carrying my child and experiencing a pregnancy, I am still infertile.

Infertility is like riding a bicycle.  Even though you have taken months off of actively trying to conceive a child, it seems like the muscle memory of your brain just remembers how to fall back into the pitfalls of being an infertile.

Some people speculate that once you have had a baby, your body somehow “learns” how to get pregnant.  This is why you hear of all of the stories – you know the ones…“I know someone who did 8 IVF cycles and finally had a baby and when their baby was 10 months old, they miraculously got pregnant on their own.  Maybe that will happen to you too!?!”  I know this happens.  I know people in the online ALI community who have had this miracle occur and I am truly happy for them.

Do I think I will be one of them?  Nope.  But apparently my unconscious thoughts somewhere in the depths of my mind are hoping this will happen.  I get a reminder of this every month. 

Here are the Facts:

• We are not preventing.  We are not “actively trying”.  Intercourse in our house is timed – but rather than to my cycle it is to when we have the most time and energy for each other – the weekends.

• After Carder was born, I have noticed some changes in my body.  My cycle is still as short as ever (24-25 days) and my periods are still very painful.  But I now experience the tell-tell signs of ovulation every month.  For instance, Egg white cervical mucus is now a monthly occurrence for me – in abundance.  I no longer have to look closely to determine if it is there.  Now, I can easily tell when I wipe and there is no need to get my fingers involved in the process.
• We did achieve one known documented pregnancy that didn’t involve a petri dish and an embryologist.  The documented beta level was only at 45 and I lost the pregnancy by 5 ½ weeks.

The Conclusion:

I am a lunatic infertile whom apparently thinks she is having a miracle baby.  Needing to have intercourse more than once (or at all) in fertile window of 3 days be damned.

Case in Point: 

Last month my cycle was 24 days long.  On day 22 or 23 of this cycle, I had some cramps that I would have sworn AF was coming any minute.  She never showed.  By day 25 when AF hadn’t arrived, I was mentally tallying up every possible pregnancy symptom that I was experiencing. 

I have cramps but no spotting.  I am soooo tired I can barely stay awake after 4pm.  I am absolutely starving but at the same time I think I am going to throw up.  I think my nipples look darker…I must be pregnant.

Derek and I have a conversation about “what if” I really am pregnant and we ponder cute baby names (it’s totally a girl by the way).

I calculate a due date.  I ponder whether I will higher risk due to the preterm labor with my previous pregnancy and will be put on bed rest.  I calculate how much extra this will cost us at daycare.   I think about all of the cute ways we can announce the pregnancy to our families and friends.  I wonder what kind of big brother Carder will be.

I practically had my hands perched on the keyboard to Google “Early Pregnancy Symptoms” and was contemplating run to the drugstore to buy a stick to pee on.

And then the rational side of me took hold of the optimistic side and shook the hell out of it. 

"GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF!!!  YOU ARE INFERTILE.  THE CHILD YOU BORE ISN’T EVEN GENETICALLY RELATED TO YOU!  THE ODDS AREN’T GOOD.  HAVE A GLASS OF WINE AND CHILL THE FUCK OUT."

So I drank some wine (while thinking to myself that I may be pickling my possible child and wondering if it will be my last glass of wine).

And the next day the bitch showed up.

Thank God I didn't go out and waste my money on another damned stick to pee on.

You would think that one of these days I would abandon all hope...At least I no longer sit on the toilet and cry about it, right?

Where is my Effing Ark????

And that isn't just because it has been raining today.  I has been raining absolute SHIT.  No - let's rephrase that.  It's been a fucking DELUGE.

I had to have a physical with my PCP today.  On the way into their office, I followed in a lady who was preggers (probably around 4 oR 5 months) who was smoking a cigarette as she walked past the smoke free campus sign.  I was livid.  I wanted to yell at her about the dangers of smoking while pregnant (I mean, doesn't it say that on the box???) and let her know that there were lots of women who would LOVE to be in her position and would take care of themselves.  But I decided that I would come off as the crazy IF lady, so I bit my tongue.

When I made it into the Dr's office, the nurse (and her nurse in training) started the preliminary exam.  She asked if I was still taking my thyroid medication.  I explained that I had self un-medicated for a while after our failed FET and that I had recently started taking it again.  She asked if we were still trying to concieve and I explained that while we weren't preventing, we weren't "trying" and that we were looking into adoption.

The nurse proceeded to tell me a story about someone she knows who had IVF and ended up with identical twins.  (I think to myself "Why would you tell the infertile sitting in front of you how IVF worked for someone else???  Is this salt in the wound day or something???")

THEN the nurse in training proceeds to tell me about someone she knows who did IVF and it failed and then they adopted and then (wait for it, don't spoil my surprise ending!) she got pregnant.  Maybe I should just relax and it would happen on it's own.  It is a good thing they had taken my blood pressure before this point.

So, as I sit and wait for the Doc, I contemplate telling him that he should talk to his nurses about things to say and not say to an infertile.

Enter Doc.

Doc questions the lack of taking thyroid meds and I go through the explanation again.  Doc then proceeds to tell me a story about someone he knows who had failed IVF attempts, adopted, and then got pregnant.

I decide to skip the lesson on dealing with the infertile public.

And you don't even know the worst part about this yet.  All of this happens on the same day as the cruelest joke of all. 
Not following me?  AF arrived.  And I think it is a pretting fucking cruel joke to make my body perform just like any other woman who can get pregnant on her own.  And to top it off?  I get that bitch every 25 days - and for those of you who don't have that fortunate situation - that translates to sometimes being 2 times in one month.  Isn't THAT a knee slapper?

Couldn't I at least catch a break and get a 30 day cycle?

Sigh...Right now I think my uterus is trying to make it's way out of my vagina.

Why, Oh Why, Do I Do This To Myself???

AF is late.  I had some spotting mid week last week and was sure she was about to arrive, but she never showed.  And although I know that it is absolutely ridiculous for me to even THINK that there is a chance that we could have gotten pregnant this month, that is exactly what I found myslef thinking this weekend.  Funny enough, Derek asked me if she had arrived, I answered No, and he responded with "Wouldn't it be funny if after all of this we got pregnant this month?"  Yup.  That would be pretty darned funny.  Especially since we didn't really try at all this month.  We didn't prevent, but there was no temping, no OPKing, no U/S to look at folicles, no shots in the stomach, no pills to make me grow more follies, no meds to grow my uterine lining...you get the picture.  Wouldn't it be freakin' hilarious if "Aunt Jane" was right and all we had to do was relax???

I actually spent some time contemplating if our faint HCG numbers last month at 8.8 that had fallen to 3 had somehow miraculously turned around and gone back up.  A highly unlikely explanation, I assure you (and probably not a single recorded case in history) but the thought still crossed my mind.  Especially since that would make more sense than us getting pregnant on our own without medical assistance.

Regardless, I have been a little concerned about it.  I have been on a self imposed hiatus from prenatal vitamins since the last beta.  To be honest, I haven't even been taking a multivitamin with much regularity this month.  And on top of that, I have not held back from partaking in several alcoholic beverages.  I haven't been staggering drunk by any means, but red wine and I have been good friends the last 4 weeks.

But she hasn't shown up yet.  And I felt a bit queasy most of the day.  It was like deja vu - boob grabbing and all (not sore BTW).  So, just a few minutes before I began this post, I completed the familar task of peeing on a stick.  It was a cheap Dol.lar.Store test but it was all I had in the house.  So I went for it.  Of course, it was a BFN.  I expected no more than 1 line to show up.

The reason I am posting about this is that, strangely enough, even with all we have been through and knowing that there is really not a chance for us to conceive, after all this time and all of the disappointment that we have been through, there I was again - hoping.  I wonder if it will ever REALLY go away.  Will there come a time (when we are sitting around with our adopted child/children) and AF is late and I don't spend half of the day thinking about whether or not I might be FINALLY be pregnant???

I hope that day comes.  But even if it doesn't?  I would settle for wondering about it while sitting around with my future children...

I guess I will give it a couple more days to see if she shows up before I contemplate the possibility anymore.  I will probably be a good girl and take my vitamins and stay away from the wine for the next couple of days, just in case, though.

Holy Moly, AF is a B-IATCH

To start off - I need to thank anyone who returned to this blog after reading my last post.  I promise I am normally more level headed than that. 

And thank you for the lovely comments.  I know that I am allowed to be angry and I know I am allowed to focus on a minute detail if that is all I can focus on.  I think my biggest problem was the fact that I had this overwhelming feeling that I was a baby killer.  I also know that my uterus has not been proven to be defective and that I should not think that way - but I was just a bit freaked out.  Freak out moment over, I promise. 

As far as my sanity is concerned, I think it is coming back around.  Derek and I still have some talking to do.  I always feel better about things when I have a plan and the lack of a definite plan was not helping.  We still aren't set on a plan, but I have been moving towards figuring out a plan, and that helps.

I have been contacting the people I know who have adopted to find out more about their stories.  I am scheduling dinner with one of the couples so that we can talk with them.  We have discussed that we will be possibly talking to an adoption specialist to learn all the details about both international and domestic adoptions.  And, we will be making some calls to the donor embryo place to learn all of the details of that type of transaction.  Hopefully, knowledge will be one of the keys to making a decision.

Oh, and I made a decision about my tag line...

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On to the reason for this actual post.  AF has arrived.  With a vengence.  This next section might get a bit graphic, but I will try to keep it as nice as possible considering the subject matter.

After going through 2 failed IVF cycles, I thought I knew what to expect when the bitch showed up.  Boy was I wrong.

I awoke Thursday morning at 2 a.m. with some pretty nice cramps.  I got up to check and found that AF had graced me with her presence.  I took care of the necessary arrangements and went back to bed.  Or so I thought.  The cramping intensified greatly.  I began to hurt all the way through to my back and started having quite a bit of pressure down below.  I kept going to the bathroom thinking that a BM was necessary.  Diarrhea arrived.  The flow of AF was VERY clotty, even more so than my first miscarriage or IVF cycle.  The pain got to the point that I was nauseous.  I finally took a pain pill (left over from the egg retrieval), grabbed the heating pad, and laid back down.  At around 6:30 in the morning, I was sitting on the toilet and puking into the trashcan.  I was seriously concerned that something inside had ruptured or something and I was considering a trip to the ER.  We finally got in touch with the RE's office.  The nurse informed me that this was NORMAL. 

WTF???

She actually made it sound like some women go through this EVERY month.  Bless their hearts if they do.  I explained to her that I normally had pretty strong cramps and that my miscarriage was nothing in comparrison to this pain.  She then informed me that since I did have HCG in my system, that this WAS a miscarriage and that it would be painful.  (Thanks for the heads up BEFORE AF showed...)

Anyway, as you all know by now, I survived.  Today was not nearly as bad.  And, just so you all know - Derek was SO sweet.  He stayed home with me until he was sure that the pain was at a tolerable level and took care of me.  I really am so happy to have him as a husband.

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Also - I am not sure of how one should actually answer a question from a comment - I was afraid to answer in the comments for fear that she wouldn't see the answer.  So please forgive me if this is an inappropriate...
Tina - in answer to your question, we don't know where our fragmentation comes from.  We had insurance infertility coverage for a certain dollar amount and it did not cover any treatments where donors were used.  We determined we would exhaust our coverage with our own goods and see where we ended up.  After looking at the financial implications of donor services (i.e. donor eggs or IVF with donor sperm), we determined that donor embryos or adoption would be our next step.