Hi Ho, Hi Ho, It's Back to Work I Go

I started back to work last week on September 13.

Going back wasn't as rough as I had thought it would be.  I was afraid that I would spend the entire first week in tears.  I guess I cried enough in the weeks leading up to it that I didn't have very many tears left.  Okay, so I teared up a little, but I put on my big girl panties, sucked it up, and managed to act like a professional about it.  After all, I am still just working part time (Tues - Thurs) and I am getting to be home with him the majority of the week.

It was nice to spend some time having adult conversations without having to worry that the baby would cry and interrupt the conversation.  It was nice using my brain to do something besides to calculate the scoops of dry formula needed for 12 ounces of water (or to count those scoops).

Did I miss my baby?  Absolutely.  Terribly.  Couldn't get home fast enough.

But it wasn't as bad as I had thought it would be.

Tuesday was rough - he was asleep when I got home and was a bit fussy.  That was probably the worst part of all of it - wanting to enjoy the time I did have with him and having him not be in the best of moods made me cry a little bit.  Wednesday was better - he was awake when I got home and (as I previously posted) waited for me to come home to roll over.

But the best part of the week? Thursday evening when I arrived home, my MIL was burping him on her shoulder.  When I walked in and spoke to him, his eyes lit up and he gave me this big huge grin.  It was almost as if he was saying "Mommy!  I missed you and I am so happy to see you!"  It totally made my day away from him worth it.

In Day Care news, my in-laws did a great job watching him.  BUT, our day care called on Friday and they now have a spot for us.  The in-laws will be watching him this week and next week and then he will begin going to the day care.  Although I know my in-laws are not ecstatic about this - they were, after all, looking forward to spending all that time with him - they understand that we can't pass it up.  And, I think that it is a good development.  I think that having the day care will alleviate the resentment and jealousy I was feeling and will prevent the destruction of my relationship with them.

Hopefully, this week will go just as smoothly as last week did.

Counting Down the Days

In more ways than one.

Returning to work
And Not in A Good Way...

A while back, I posted about my options about returning to work vs. staying at home.  I never posted my decision about what to do, but in a nutshell, I decided to return to my part time job and turn down the contract work for my old employer.  My part time job gave me a return to work date of September 13.  This was longer than the typical 12 weeks of maternity leave, and for that I am very thankful.

But it isn't nearly enough time.  But I guess the million dollar question would be "Is there ever enough time???"

I have thought about not going back at all - and Derek has said it is an option - but I think in the long run it will be a good thing for me to return to working.  The extra income will be nice, having adult interaction will be nice, exercising my brain will be a welcome change.  I just have to get past the first couple of weeks and the initial shock of leaving my baby for longer than an hour.  I am not expecting those first couple of weeks to go well for me emotionally.  Fully expect some "Woe is Me" posts next week (if I decide I can tear myself away from my baby for long enough to post).

Of course, the only negative about returning to work isn't just being away from my baby.  The day care we are going to take Carder to doesn't have space for him until January at the earliest, so we need an interim day care.  Since we are new to the area, we have had a tough time finding suitable day care with availability.  Derek's Mom has been nice enough to offer to drive up (a 2.5 hour trip each way) to stay with him for me to return to work for the interim.  Of course, for her point of view, this is a wonderful opportunity to spend some great quality time with her grandson and she is super excited about it.  Me?  Notsomuch.  I HATE THIS.  Let me clarify.  I would hate this even if it was MY MOM keeping him.  I know, I know.  I should be thankful that someone who loves him will be keeping him - and I am.  But I am feeling very jealous and resentful.  But Carder is just beginning to develop a personality.  He is now smiling back at us and is beginning to interact with us on a more frequent basis.  New developments aren't far behind.  I am scared I won't get to see some of these firsts - that she will (Note to self, spell it out to her NOT to tell me if I miss something - let me believe that I get to see all of it first). 

While I am being honest, I might as well admit that  - as stupid as this fear is - I am worried that Carder will bond with her more than he has with me and that she will be so much better at "mothering" him than I am.  Realistically, I know that this is a ridiculous fear to have.  Yet, it is there - bubbling below the surface and waiting to rear it's ugly head.

And what if she is super mom?  What if I come home from work and she has not only taken care of Carder but also cleaned the house and cooked dinner?  I have been doing my best, but I struggle to get it all done.  And it damn sure doesn't all get done on the same day.  If I clean the house, we have leftovers or PB&J for dinner.  What if she can do it all and puts me to shame?

Between these reasons and the fact that we will have house guests at least 3 nights a week EVERY SINGLE WEEK, I have really been dreading returning to work.  Panic attack, can't breathe, night sweats dreaded returning to work.

She and I did have a conversation last night about my feelings about her watching Carder.  I was mostly honest (I didn't give her all the details about how I was feeling) and I have apologized in advance for any attitude sent her way during this transition period.  I am trying to keep a lid on any resentment or jealousy I am feeling, but I have never been good at that sort of thing.  Hopefully we can get through this period without me being such a bitch that I ruin the relationship I have with my MIL over her doing something NICE FOR US.  I really hope so.

Breastfeeding
And in a Love/Hate sort of way.

I haven't updated on the BFing situation in a while.

After weeks and weeks of pumping at every single feeding, Carder began to out eat my production.  Once I started having to supplement with formula and made the decision that I would be returning to work, I decided that I was going to cut out my night time pumpings.  And then I cut down to 3 times per day.  And now to 2 times per day.  For the last couple of weeks, I have been supplying about 1/2 of what he eats through the 2 daily pumpings.

But, with returning to work, I have been weighing out what to do with the BFing.  One part of me thinks that continuing to provide breast milk would be a wonderful thing to do for Carder.  But the other part of me looks at the hour it would take me to pump on the days I work and I really don't want to spend that time attached to a machine when I could be spending that time with him, even if it is just staring down at him while he is sleeping.

In addition, in planning out how my mornings will work, I would have to get up extra early just to pump then would have to pump again as soon as I got home from work.  I know that I could ask my MIL to take the morning feeding and the evening feeding and I could pump while she feeds him and she would gladly do this.  But if I were to do that, there is a good chance I would only get to feed him one time per day on the days I work.

So, I think that I am going to throw in the towel on BFing.

It will be nice to not have to be attached to the machine anymore.  It will be nice to be able to feed Carder and then get on with my day or go on to bed.  It will be nice to have Carder on straight formula - it will make it so much easier to plan an outing - no need to keep a bottle cold or figure out how to warm it up.  And, selfishly, it will be nice to be able to drink coffee and wine again.

Our breastfeeding journey was never what I had hoped it would be.  I still feel pangs of regret when I see someone breastfeeding their child and I don't know if that will ever go away.  If things had started out differently, perhaps my decision for moving forward would be different.  And yet, even as I type this post, I find myself wondering how I could make it work to continue to provide him with breast milk.  Could I do just one pumping per day?  Could I keep up my 2 a day routine?  Or would my sanity be better if I just gave it up completely???  And I think that cutting out the pumping makes the most sense, regardless of the way that giving up is making me feel.  Because it is what it is.

So there you have it.  Counting down the days.  Less than a week to go.

Torn

First of all, thank you to those of you who commented on my last post - especially those who were able to validate how I was feeling with their own experiences.  It makes it so much easier to believe that you aren't depressed when you put it out there and you find out that everyone else goes through the same range of emotions.  Thank you for letting me know that I am not alone!

After we moved, you may remember that I got a part time job through a temp agency.  At the time, I didn't think my chances of landing a full time job were very good (considering that I was noticeably pregnant).  I got a job working in my field that was low stress and only 3 days a week.  The pay wasn't great, but it was decent.  The company had said that they wanted me to come back after Carder was born, but I wasn't sure if they were really going to hold a position for me.

Now that Carder is here and he is getting older, Derek and I have been discussing the options surrounding me going back to work.  In the last week, the options have defined themselves a little bit and now I have some decisions to make.

The first option is to be a Stay At Home Mom for a while - probably until he is 6 months or a year old.  A large part of me loves this option.  There is a good possibility that he will be our only child and he will only be little once.  I would love the opportunity to stay home and watch him grow every day - see him blossom before my eyes.  I can't roll back the clock and get back the time I miss if I go back to work.  This option also has it's down sides.  The biggest one is the financial side of things.  Our lifestyle in this new city is much smaller than it was previously and we could make it on only Derek's salary for a while (but would have to dip into our savings occasionally).  The other one is the job market right now.  If I were to choose this option, I would need to look for full time employment when I do return to work.  With this market, it may be tough to find a job when you have been jobless for over a year, even if it was because you weren't looking for work.

The second option is for me to go back to work at the part time job.  They have offered me a contract position starting out part time that can morph into a full time job in the future.  The rate is good - almost as much as what I was making at my old job in Georgia.  The company is great and the work wasn't stressful.  I love the people I was working with.  The main downside to this option is that I have to go back to work and that I will miss my baby.  Of course, this would only be for 3 days a week and I would still be home more than I am away from him.  In addition, this option would get me out of the house and has me having adult interaction and gives me a sense of worth.  BUT I WOULD MISS BEING WITH MY BABY.

The third option would be for me to attempt to find some contract work I could do from home.  My old job actually contacted me this last week with an offer to do some contract work for them at a really good rate.  The big problem is that what they are offering me would be a good chunk at the beginning and then only a few hours per month from then on for a few months.  This option is the least sustainable option.  Of course, the ability to make some money and stay at home is probably the most appealing as well because it would be the best of both worlds.

I have considered contacting the old job and seeing if there was any possibility that this first contract job would turn into anything else.  If I was guaranteed a certain amount of work per month for a specific period of time, I could really try to make this option work.  However, I don't see that being in the cards.

I have also considered asking the part time job if they would consider letting me start back at 2 10-hour days rather than 3 8-hour days.  The net result would be 4 hours less per week, but much more manageable emotionally for me those first few weeks.

More than likely, I will be going back to my part time job.  I think that in the long term, this makes the most sense and is probably what is best for me.  BUT it breaks my heart to think of leaving him in the care of someone else and risking missing something monumental like the first time he rolls over or the first time he walks or his first real words.  I have cried uncontrollably at the thought of it more than once this week and I have also experienced a good bit of anxiety about it.

And, if I do decide on going back to the part time job, I need to decide if I want to pick up the contract work from my old job in addition.  The few hours a month wouldn't be too taxing, but the large chunk in the beginning (when I am trying to adjust to spending less time with my baby) would be the hardest part. 

Regardless, in these next few days, I need to figure out what I am going to do and begin making preparations for whatever choice I make.  The funny thing is that if I still had my full time job in Georgia and had been out on maternity leave, I don't know if being a SAHM would have even been an option.


For those of you who have been though this, if you have any advice on how you came to your decision would be much appreciated.