Torn

First of all, thank you to those of you who commented on my last post - especially those who were able to validate how I was feeling with their own experiences.  It makes it so much easier to believe that you aren't depressed when you put it out there and you find out that everyone else goes through the same range of emotions.  Thank you for letting me know that I am not alone!

After we moved, you may remember that I got a part time job through a temp agency.  At the time, I didn't think my chances of landing a full time job were very good (considering that I was noticeably pregnant).  I got a job working in my field that was low stress and only 3 days a week.  The pay wasn't great, but it was decent.  The company had said that they wanted me to come back after Carder was born, but I wasn't sure if they were really going to hold a position for me.

Now that Carder is here and he is getting older, Derek and I have been discussing the options surrounding me going back to work.  In the last week, the options have defined themselves a little bit and now I have some decisions to make.

The first option is to be a Stay At Home Mom for a while - probably until he is 6 months or a year old.  A large part of me loves this option.  There is a good possibility that he will be our only child and he will only be little once.  I would love the opportunity to stay home and watch him grow every day - see him blossom before my eyes.  I can't roll back the clock and get back the time I miss if I go back to work.  This option also has it's down sides.  The biggest one is the financial side of things.  Our lifestyle in this new city is much smaller than it was previously and we could make it on only Derek's salary for a while (but would have to dip into our savings occasionally).  The other one is the job market right now.  If I were to choose this option, I would need to look for full time employment when I do return to work.  With this market, it may be tough to find a job when you have been jobless for over a year, even if it was because you weren't looking for work.

The second option is for me to go back to work at the part time job.  They have offered me a contract position starting out part time that can morph into a full time job in the future.  The rate is good - almost as much as what I was making at my old job in Georgia.  The company is great and the work wasn't stressful.  I love the people I was working with.  The main downside to this option is that I have to go back to work and that I will miss my baby.  Of course, this would only be for 3 days a week and I would still be home more than I am away from him.  In addition, this option would get me out of the house and has me having adult interaction and gives me a sense of worth.  BUT I WOULD MISS BEING WITH MY BABY.

The third option would be for me to attempt to find some contract work I could do from home.  My old job actually contacted me this last week with an offer to do some contract work for them at a really good rate.  The big problem is that what they are offering me would be a good chunk at the beginning and then only a few hours per month from then on for a few months.  This option is the least sustainable option.  Of course, the ability to make some money and stay at home is probably the most appealing as well because it would be the best of both worlds.

I have considered contacting the old job and seeing if there was any possibility that this first contract job would turn into anything else.  If I was guaranteed a certain amount of work per month for a specific period of time, I could really try to make this option work.  However, I don't see that being in the cards.

I have also considered asking the part time job if they would consider letting me start back at 2 10-hour days rather than 3 8-hour days.  The net result would be 4 hours less per week, but much more manageable emotionally for me those first few weeks.

More than likely, I will be going back to my part time job.  I think that in the long term, this makes the most sense and is probably what is best for me.  BUT it breaks my heart to think of leaving him in the care of someone else and risking missing something monumental like the first time he rolls over or the first time he walks or his first real words.  I have cried uncontrollably at the thought of it more than once this week and I have also experienced a good bit of anxiety about it.

And, if I do decide on going back to the part time job, I need to decide if I want to pick up the contract work from my old job in addition.  The few hours a month wouldn't be too taxing, but the large chunk in the beginning (when I am trying to adjust to spending less time with my baby) would be the hardest part. 

Regardless, in these next few days, I need to figure out what I am going to do and begin making preparations for whatever choice I make.  The funny thing is that if I still had my full time job in Georgia and had been out on maternity leave, I don't know if being a SAHM would have even been an option.


For those of you who have been though this, if you have any advice on how you came to your decision would be much appreciated.