Maybe My Wounds are Healing

I realize that I haven’t blogged about this – hell, I haven’t really talked about it much. But I guess in order to say what I want to say, I need to explain the changes I have made in my prayers first.

I have stopped praying for God to bless us with a pregnancy. I think I have prayed for it long enough now that he knows what is in my heart and I determined that I am not strong enough to be able to give up on my dreams of carrying my child. So I am now praying for healing - that God will help me come to a place where I can look at other people who have been blessed with a child and not feel bitterness and resentment; that He will replace that with the joy that I used to feel before this whole infertility journey broke my spirit and took so much of my happiness away from me. I am praying now that He will take away the pain I feel when I think about the fact that although I have the parts and I have ALWAYS had the desire to create, carry, birth and love a child; it just doesn't seem to be in His plan for my life. I am praying for understanding why He would give me this desire that is so large that it consumes me - constantly in my thoughts, my feelings, my dreams - but not bless me with this child.

I know, I know. Before you even say it.

A part of me feel s like praying for healing is like giving up on our little embryo before we even try to transfer it. But another part of me says that if I don’t prepare myself for failure, that if our FET is yet another failed attempt I need to have my heart ready to accept that possibility.
And I also know that maybe His intentions are for me to be the mother of someone else's child. But I know that my heart will need some healing to prepare me for that option. I changed my prayers because I realized that every time I would think of the fact that I may never have my own biological child, my chest would aches with pain and tears would fall from my eyes – the pain so great that it would often shake my faith. So, I changed my prayers.

So far, God seems to be listening and answering some of my prayers. It isn’t something that has changed overnight. I have gradually felt this pain easing away. For instance, I went to the park for a workout with Derek and I came across several mothers with young children. I smiled and didn’t feel the stabbing pain in my chest. We went to a concert and were surrounded by families – mothers, fathers, and their children – and it was surprisingly pain free. After the “Tear Fest” when I realized that I needed to change what I was praying for, I don’t think I have cried over my own personal loss. So, things are looking up.

This is also evidenced in today’s events. I have a co-worker who is not the most educated man and the family is not what you would consider to be outstanding citizens. A couple of years ago, his teenage son became a father. He walked into my office today and shut the door and confided in me that his 15 year old daughter just informed him that she is expecting. He is (understandably) devastated. I tried to be supportive and listen. I didn’t get upset and cry and (although it did not evade me completely) the crushing pain in my chest was only there momentarily. I feel sorry for the girl – she was the one who he hoped would get somewhere in life. And here she is, becoming a mother already.

I am still waiting on the guidance regarding our next step. Perhaps he is holding out on that one until the results of the FET are known. I have still been doing some soul searching though.

I am worried that if we do donor embryos, the time will be a big factor for me. The wait is 6 months to a year before you even attempt. Perhaps that time would fly by quickly. I mean, the 3 months wait for the FET seems to have flown by. But the time frame is the real drawback for me. What if THAT doesn’t work? We already wasted a year waiting to try and then 6 weeks for each attempt and the waiting time in between… We could easily have another 1 ½ years pass and still not be parents. Then you would have to tack on however long it takes for the adoption process…

So then I think about adoption. I have my moments when I think that adopting wouldn't be so bad and I think perhaps we should skip the donor embryos and just move forward with that option. I can see how it would fill the hole in my heart and my empty arms. But I also realize that isn't a journey that neither one of us are fully ready to embark upon and I think we both need to be 100% sure that is something we are comfortable with before we move forward.

And then I start to worry that BOTH of us will never be there 100% and that my arms will always be empty and that this hole will always be in my heart.

One other thing that I want to mention – for the last several months, I have been trying to avoid discussing our infertility. I had begun to feel like it consumed our lives and our marriage and that IF was all that we were. I didn’t want for that to be the only thing we talked about, so I typically avoid it like the plague. My friend Jamie from BBC came to stay with us this past weekend. (That deserves a post of its own). Anyway, Jamie sent me an email today – and here is an excerpt of that email:
“…I also wanted to share that I enjoyed seeing you and Derek together as a couple. I think you are both more than the infertility, more so than you realize. You are both loving, sweet, and attentive to each other. There is an ease and a flow with how you work together and smile together. You both seem to enjoy cooking, food, movies, and the Georgia mountains together. It was only a weekend, so I am sure there is so much more that is shared between you and that depth is evident. I am so happy for you both in the life you share together.”

So Jamie, thank you so much for telling me that even though you know our struggles and even though they were discussed in person, you can see so much more in our relationship than just the infertility woes. It means a lot to me to know that.