AF is late. I had some spotting mid week last week and was sure she was about to arrive, but she never showed. And although I know that it is absolutely ridiculous for me to even THINK that there is a chance that we could have gotten pregnant this month, that is exactly what I found myslef thinking this weekend. Funny enough, Derek asked me if she had arrived, I answered No, and he responded with "Wouldn't it be funny if after all of this we got pregnant this month?" Yup. That would be pretty darned funny. Especially since we didn't really try at all this month. We didn't prevent, but there was no temping, no OPKing, no U/S to look at folicles, no shots in the stomach, no pills to make me grow more follies, no meds to grow my uterine lining...you get the picture. Wouldn't it be freakin' hilarious if "Aunt Jane" was right and all we had to do was relax???
I actually spent some time contemplating if our faint HCG numbers last month at 8.8 that had fallen to 3 had somehow miraculously turned around and gone back up. A highly unlikely explanation, I assure you (and probably not a single recorded case in history) but the thought still crossed my mind. Especially since that would make more sense than us getting pregnant on our own without medical assistance.
Regardless, I have been a little concerned about it. I have been on a self imposed hiatus from prenatal vitamins since the last beta. To be honest, I haven't even been taking a multivitamin with much regularity this month. And on top of that, I have not held back from partaking in several alcoholic beverages. I haven't been staggering drunk by any means, but red wine and I have been good friends the last 4 weeks.
But she hasn't shown up yet. And I felt a bit queasy most of the day. It was like deja vu - boob grabbing and all (not sore BTW). So, just a few minutes before I began this post, I completed the familar task of peeing on a stick. It was a cheap Dol.lar.Store test but it was all I had in the house. So I went for it. Of course, it was a BFN. I expected no more than 1 line to show up.
The reason I am posting about this is that, strangely enough, even with all we have been through and knowing that there is really not a chance for us to conceive, after all this time and all of the disappointment that we have been through, there I was again - hoping. I wonder if it will ever REALLY go away. Will there come a time (when we are sitting around with our adopted child/children) and AF is late and I don't spend half of the day thinking about whether or not I might be FINALLY be pregnant???
I hope that day comes. But even if it doesn't? I would settle for wondering about it while sitting around with my future children...
I guess I will give it a couple more days to see if she shows up before I contemplate the possibility anymore. I will probably be a good girl and take my vitamins and stay away from the wine for the next couple of days, just in case, though.
5 comments:
I know what you mean about always wondering if this might finally be it. Even the months following our initial diagnosis, I still found myself wondering if we'd get a miracle - every single month. I don't think there's anything wrong with that thought. I think it's pretty amazing that we're all able to maintain a little hope after all we've been through. Even if it is a little delusional. ;)
We'll all be parents one day, regardless of how those babies come to us.
Hang in there hun.
It's funny the way we never lose hope. I remember running home to take a pregnancy test the cycle after I'd been told by my RE that we had like a 2-5% chance of conceiving naturally. I think that's a good thing, though. Love you, Carli.
I agree with the girls, I think hope is what makes us keep our sanity through IF. Without it, we would have given up a long time ago.
I, like Melissa and Kerri and you, was always clinging to the tiniest bit of hope that it would happen. Even when I'd been told by several doctors that it wouldn't happen naturally. To be honest with you, I haven't lost that and always wonder if it will just happen one day.
I think it's the love you have for those children you'll some day have, whether adopted or biological. You love them so much and want to meet them so badly that your heart is always hoping.
Don't lose that, Carli.
I'll be keeping my fingers crossed that maybe you have a miracle in the making.
Lots and lots of hugs and happy holidays!
I am sorry I am a few days late in commenting Carli, but here I am. :) Hope is a good thing, no matter what the circumstances are. Without hope, we have nothing. I HOPE for the best for you every month and that your next post is the one that makes not only my day but my week... my month... and more. Love you Carli.
Hope...it can be bitter sweet in that it can hurt so much in the face of what seems impossible, but if it wasn't there then what? I say it takes a very strong person to be able to keep that hope in your heart and to wish it away could leave you more empty and lost. You have heart, love, and passion and in the long run, I don't think you would want to give that up.
I believe good things are in store for you. Many hugs, sweetie.
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