Our Realtor invited me to a Pampered Chef party. It gave me a chance to meet quite a few more people here in our new city.
The only downside?
There I met a woman who was close to my age. I was excited to meet her. After all, I don't have any friends in New City.
She and I are chatting before the demonstration began. We were talking about jobs/dogs/etc. She asks me about the baby. I answer her question but try not to blabber on too much. And then I asked her if she had any children. Her answer was "No, just our dogs". Then the demonstration started, ending the opportunity to continue the conversation. She slipped out the door at what appeared to be the first opportunity to leave.
It has now been over a week since I attended this party. I can't stop thinking about this woman. I can't stop wondering if she and her husband have suffered from infertility and if my question cut her to the core. Did she look at my swollen belly with longing? Did she curse me because I am pregnant and she is not? Did she run out the door to sit in her car and cry? I can't stop wondering about this woman...
It is times like these that I wish I really did have a Scarlet Letter to wear on my chest. I don't want my infertility or our struggles to become parents to define who I am. But, I wish that I could wear some of these scars on the outside so that those still waiting for their children would know that this wasn't an easy journey for us. And they would know that they are not alone. And perhaps my swollen belly could provide them with hope rather than a sense of despair.
5 comments:
I so understand. I hate to think of people who have just lost a baby seeing me out with my little guy and being hurt by it.
I felt that same way when I got lucky and got pregnant with IVF after 6 years of infertility. And while pregnant, I participated in an infertility walk. I made sure that I had a sign on my shirt that detailed our experiences, so the others knew that I truly was one of them (http://thehardestquest.blogspot.com/2009/05/photos-of-recent-events.html). But out and about in this great wide world, full of others who are having problems like we did, it's not possible to wear a sign on my shirt all the time! I wish there was a way they could recognize me, and I them. Other than "Infertility's Common Thread" (http://www.stirrup-queens.com/2006/09/history-of-infertilitys-common-thread/) I'm not sure of one. I wish there was an internationally recognized symbol or something. Even something for my keychain would be better than nothing, right? *sigh* Oh well. Until that time comes, we just have to hope that others understand.
First off, I am glad that you had an opportunity to meet some new people!
Secondly, I know through every experience I had had with you that you are a extremely caring and empathetic person. Is there any way you can track down this woman maybe and invite her out to do something? Yes, if your wondering is correct, it may be difficult for her to be around your pregnancy- BUT what if you are correct and she doesn't have the awesome IF online world supporting her like we have had? What if she needs someone like you that "gets it" and has walked in her shoes? Just saying... maybe there was a reason you both were at that party at that moment in time.
Thirdly, I think your scarlet letter comparison is what has led me to be more open with strangers and random poeple in my life about our path to our twins. It isn't rare for me to tell people who questions the twins factor just how we got to this point. (Partly because it irritates me how people seem to think that we "got it all over at once") Maybe in time you'll be more comfortable doing the same. At this point, maybe because I've resolved my infertile journey, I pretty much don't care who knows that Sam and Anna were over 4 years in the making, and how much we went through to have them.
I've had this experience and I feel so crappy for others, when they either hint at IF or come right out and say it. I am totally open in those situations about Jackson being an IVF baby -- sometimes the easiest way to approach it is to say "it took us a long time to get pregnant" or "we had a tough time getting pregnant." I've found it's a decent ice breaker and allows the other person to either ask about it, or not. But at least it puts it out there.
And good for you for meeting people! I'm terrible at that, and aside from 2 or 3 mommy friends I have, whom I don't even see that often, I pretty much have become a homebody. Which I don't mind too much, but I want to make sure Jackson has friends and playmates. And, whether I like it or not, those friends come attached to mommies. That I have to make nice with even if they annoy me. And so it goes. It's one of many things we do for our babies. :)
I am also with the ladies who are more open about their infertility. I didn't have anyone IRL going through the same thing I did at the same time. Now that our journey is over, I have an uncle, a cousin, and two of my very best girlfriends having their own experiences with IF. I'll be forever glad I was open about it from the beginning. These wonderful people in my life now come to me with confidence, and they have something I never had.. RL friends or family who get it. And I really like the keychain idea. It would be nice to recognize others and just know.
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