One Year Later

A year ago today, there was a hole in my heart and my arms were empty.

As I sat in the RE's office waiting on our transfer, I was hopeful but afraid to put too much pressure on the 2 tiny little embryos that were thawing in that petri dish in the back room.

So many things about this transfer were the same as previous transfers.  Same office.  Same waiting room.  Same chair.  Same Doctor.  Same nurse.

Ironically, it was also exactly 1 year after our last transfer.  (This is a fact that I did not realize until a few weeks ago when I was sorting through some old paperwork - or I probably would have scheduled a different date due to superstition).

I sat in that office listening to a meditation podcast and tried to remain calm and positive.  And when the embryologist showed us  the picture of those 2 beautiful little embryos,  a smile was pasted on my face.  I closed my eyes and pictured what life would be like when those embryos grew up with tears brimming in my eyes.

Today - 1 year later - my heart no longer feels as if there is a gaping hole.  Instead, it swells with the love I feel for my little boy.  My arms are no longer empty - I often find myself needing a 3rd or a 4th arm to be able to juggle everything.  Our previously quiet, neat and tidy house is filled with the sounds of baby talk, laughter, squeals, and cries and is cluttered with baby toys and dirty burp cloths.

One year ago, I was afraid to believe that we would ever have a child.  What a difference a year makes.

3 Posts All Rolled Into One

The 2 Week Wait -
So far things haven't been too bad.  I have chilled out quite a bit.  I can't tell you how many movies I have watched.  My mind has been so busy with everything else going on that I haven't really had too much time to obsess over think about the fact that we are waiting.  Don't get me wrong, it isn't that I don't think about it a lot.  I guess I just have so many other things on my plate that I haven't really been as stressed about it. I guess that is a good thing.  The hardest times for me are at my job.  I really don't like my job very much and I am quite bored at it.  That means that I have time to dwell on it there.  I don't really have any symptoms to discuss.  The "girls" are really sore, but they have been since the estrogen injections started.  And I am very, very tired - but that is explainable by post #2.

10 Days of Due Diligence and Temporary Housing -
We are in the 10 Day Due Diligence Period now.  The buyers have time to get the house inspected and appraised.  During this period, they can back out for any reason.  So we aren't packing yet. 
Instead, we are trying to make arrangements for the actual act of moving and for housing after the move.  We will be staying at our current city for small amount of time.  Derek has a bonus coming his way that we will be sticking around to claim.  And if the possibility with his job works out, then our only wait at this location is while we house hunt at the new one.  If that doesn't work, we also need to be looking for employment in the new location.
We are looking at 2 options - either furnished or unfurnished monthly rentals.  The great thing about furnished is that you can just show up with your belongings and live - no need to pack and unpack and then pack again.  The bad thing is that they are limited in the # offered and also quite expensive.  We are hoping that we can figure something out with a furnished place.  We do have an unfurnished place lined up already.
But, since we aren't packing, I wake up in the wee hours of the morning and I am mentally making a list of what we would take to an unfurnished apartment - what items from my kitchen do I REALLY NEED and what would be more of a luxury that I should just pack up? 
And once I am awake and mentally packing, I can't clear my mind to go back to sleep.  Due to this, I am really exhausted.  I have got to get more sleep tonight.

Spreading the Word -
As I have been trying to rest and relax these last few days, my Mom has apparently been spreading the word of our Embryo Adoption to my family members.  Although I am very open about my situation with other people, I hadn't told our extended family members about our transfer for a couple of reasons. 
The first was that I wanted us to be able to share our news when we felt the time was right.  If this works, I want to announce our pregnancy like any other normal couple to our families - when we are ready to share the news - not to have them be calling to ask us if it worked and feeling pressured to share our news when we aren't ready yet.  And if it doesn't work, I really didn't want to spend my Thanksgiving Holidays rehashing the sad news with my extended family members.  I really would like to focus on what I do have to be thankful for - a possibility of a fresh start in our near future.
The second was that I didn't think that I was ready to share this information with one particular aunt.  With our first pregnancy, we shared our news quite early and then had disappointment haunt us.  I had an aunt who actually asked me "Were you really pregnant?" (to which I wanted to answer - "No, I was just starved for attention").  This same aunt does not have children.  As we were preparing for our first RE consult, I asked her if there was any history I needed to be aware of for this consult that might explain why we were having trouble conceiving.  She actually said "Perhaps you should consider the fact that maybe you were meant to raise dogs and not children".  Derek thinks I need to let this go, but I am not certain I am ready to just forgive and forget for this yet.
So you can imagine my surprise last night when this aunt called me to ask me all kinds of questions about what she referred to as my "Implant".  I suppose my Mom thought that it was appropriate to spread the word.  Thanks, Mom.

2 Babies on Board

Before the transfer, I listened to my Meditation Podcast about Thinking Positive.  By the time the transferarrived, I was feeling very relaxed and positive.  (This was a feat considering the stressful morning we had trying to get everything done pre-transfer and we didn't get it all accomplished, but I digress).

The embryologist gave us a picture of the babies to take home with us.  They really were a beautiful site.  One of them was fully re-hydrated and was hatching.  The other was still hydrating but looked great as well.   We were very pleased with how they survived the thaw.

The Dr. was caught in traffic getting from her typical office to the main office in Atlanta (which is where the transfers happen).  So, by the time the transfer happened, my bladder was a bit overfilled.  But, the transfer went smoothly and my bladder did not burst AND I didn't pee all over the doc, so SCORE!

We made our way home, stopped to pick up a pizza for dinner on the way, and have been chilling on the couch ever since.

One of my errands this morning was to get some movies to just veg on the couch with.  Our RE doesn't prescribe Bed Rest, but since this was our Hail Mary cycle, I thought it was a good idea to err on the side of caution.  So, I think I went a bit overboard, but we have plenty of movies to watch as we relax this weekend.  Now we just think happy thoughts and wait.

Thanks to all of you for your well-wishing posts and for your phone calls and text messages.  I love you all...

To Our Donors, Thank You For This Gift

If I could write our donors a letter, I think I would.  But this is an anonymous embryo donation and I can never send them a letter to thank them.  Instead, I will send these words out into Cyberspace in the hopes that somehow, somewhere, they will understand.
Dear Donors,

My husband and I have been attempting to grow our family for 5 years now.  Almost 2 years ago, we were beginning our first IVF cycle and had to fill out all of the paperwork the clinic required. When it came to the question of what to do with any remaining embryos, we struggled with the decision. Suffering from infertility, we felt drawn to help others who couldn't conceive. But the thought of someone else raising our child seemed so foreign.  After all, if we had tried so hard for this family, would we really want to give any of our potential children away?  Fast forward a few weeks and we found out the answer to this question really didn't matter for us. We had a lot of embryos, but all of them had terrible fragmentation.  After a day 3 transfer of 3 and a devastating negative result.  In addition, we had nothing to freeze. We continued to try IVF to no avail.  As our dreams fell around us, I began to understand just how much of a gift that embryo donation is.

I am sure that when you made your decision to donate, you realized that this was an amazing gift that you were giving.  But I don't know if you have truly grasped just how much of a difference that you are making in the lives of others.

Instead of our story stopping with failed IVF cycles and a childless life, we now have another chapter in our book.  Thanks to YOUR kindness and generosity, we are attempting an FET with your donated embryos next week. I will forever be grateful of your decision to donate as it is allowing us the opportunity to attempt to give your biological children life and to fulfill our dreams of having a child. I am not eloquent enough to tell you just how much this gift to us means - how my heart swells with love every time I think of you and of our little embryos waiting to be nestled in my uterus next week. And I will continue to be grateful to you for this regardless of the outcome of this cycle - because without your decision to donate, this chapter couldn't even be written.

Thank you so much for choosing to donate and for making this opportunity possible for us.

September News

So far, September is shaping up pretty well for us.

Last weekend, I had the best intentions to post about our Labor Day Weekend.  But I was just too blasted tired.  The post was going to let you all know that we have officially finished remodelling our house!!!  The basement is DONE.  Finished.  Complete.  The only remaining item on the punch list are a small amount of touch up paint on a door.  I can't believe it is finally done.  I really don't know what we are going to do with ourselves, but I am really looking forward to figuring it out.  So far, we spent some time watching a couple of movies, I have read a couple of books, we have watched some good football games...Ahhh, bliss.

We haven't had any offers on our house yet, but we have had a good bit of traffic and lots of positive feedback.  The last couple who looked seemed pretty interested, but we haven't heard anything from them after their showing.

The biggest news - AF arrived on Tuesday.  I called my IVF nurse because she had said I would need to start BCPs when my cycle started.  She called in the prescription and faxed me over my calendar.  For some reason, I thought that I would be on the BCP for a month or so.  I don't know why, but I did.

I was wrong.  I started the BCPs on the 9th.  I start Lupron injections on the 20th.  Did you catch that?  The 20th???  9 days from now!  This is really happening!  And you know how time starts to really fly when you start the shots...

My baseline will be October 1 and as long as all goes well, the transfer will be on the 20th of October, just a little over a month from now.  And the results will be known on October 29th.  It seems almost surreal.

Let's get this party started.

The Timeline - How Does October Sound???

So here is the schedule for our FETw/DE:

August 17 - Have annual PAP completed, include STD swabs
Cycle Day 6-10, Complete Saline Ultrasound
Complete Counseling required by RE
Fill out and Submit Consent Forms

Beginning with September cycle (around September 6), start BCPs.
FET cycle will include Lupron (yuck!)
Complete Baseline U/S and begin progesterone & estrogen supplements
Complete mid-cycle blood work about a week later
Complete Lining Check U/S
Estimated Transfer Date - OCTOBER 20
BETA (hopefully with a BFP!!!) on approximately October 30.

Granted, things could change a little bit, but this is our approximate timeline for now.  Since today is August 11, that means a little over 2 months from now!!!  It will be here before you know it.

Busy Week/Weekend

OK, so things here have been rocking along.  So much so that blogging has only been a post or two in my head.

On top of working my 40 hours this past week...

We don't know anything else about the embryos at this point.  We did find out that the way it works for our clinic is that you get enough thawed embryos for one transfer.  So, probably 2.  We are still waiting for the blood work results to come back in to tell us if we are a match to the first set.  I hope that we will know something by Monday.  I really hope I have been exposed to this CMV virus.  I am NOT against licking some door knobs.  (Just Kidding).  But hopefully we will know something soon.  Once I know something, I will let you all in on the dealio.

The basement is progressing along quite well.  I finished the 2 story tall stairwell today, so the painting is pretty much done (with the exception of touch up and the basement bathroom).  All of the laminate flooring is in.  The lights have been updated (one left, but who is counting).  Trim has started to be installed.  So basically, after next weekend, we should be pretty much done with the majority of the basement.  That will leave the bathroom down there and then we will be officially DONE.

Open House/House Showings - Well, they showed our house on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday of last week.  There was an open house for Realtors on Tuesday.  We have had at least 2 cars come down our driveway to see what we have back here for sale.  And, they will be showing our house again tomorrow.

That is really all I have to say for tonight.  I am pooped.  I hate to end another post with "I am going to bed."

But, peeps, that is all I have in me.

Peace, I am out.  I am going to bed.

Getting Truthful With Myself

After getting the phone call about the donor embryos, we are once again in a holding pattern and are waiting - this time for the results of the blood work to come back to see if I have been exposed to CMV (the virus that will make or break this match).

After the initial shock and excitement have worn off, I have had some time to reflect on the past 9 months.   I recently found myself feeling very frustrated with our "plan".  After all, it had been almost 9 months since our last fertility treatment and, other than picking an agency and agreeing on some basics regarding the adoption, we hadn't really moved forward much.  (Wait, this is a getting truthful with myself post...)  Okay, at all.

I was honestly feeling as if we were spending all of this time trying to get to the location we wanted to be in and NONE focusing on getting to the family that we want to be - which is very difficult when you have spent an entire 5 years focusing on growing the family. 

Now, don't get me wrong.  I fully believe that having this time to focus on things other than our lack of ability to conceive has been very healthy for our marriage.  And Derek's job has been so stressful in the last year that I don't know how much focus on adoption he could have taken before I had to put him in a straight jacket in a padded room. 

But there have also been days and weeks that have been very difficult for me.  I do truly want for us to be in different jobs in a different city, but I want that life to include children.   And there were times that I was beginning to feel as if that moment would never come.  We were stagnant.  We kept SAYING we were going to finish this one last thing and we were going to list the house - but that damned bathroom project seemed to take for.ev.er.

Couple that with a discussion in which Derek pointed out that we were probably never going to be the family of 4 I had always dreamed of - that at 30 grand a pop, we could only afford one child.  I guess I had never thought about it that way prior to that conversation and I felt like my dreams were vanishing right before my eyes.

So, I have pushed this rising panic deeper and deeper inside of me so that it wouldn't spill out all over the place.    I felt like that scene in "She's All That" where Freddie Prince is juggling the hackey sack and can't let it drop.

And now, knowing that in a couple/few short months I could actually be carrying a child, I feel this new found freedom.  And this freedom has allowed me to consider another possibility.

When we made the decision to move forward with adoption, we had a conversation where Derek pointed out to me that I needed to deal with the fact that I wouldn't be carrying a baby.  I spent a good bit of time crying about this - the loss of carrying our child and feeling it grow inside me - and I really thought I had come to terms with this.

I am now considering the possibility that I really had not fully accepted this.  The joy that I felt wasn't just about getting a child or becoming parents - it was that perhaps, this time, I would carry and give birth to our child.

We had always said we wanted to try donor embryos before moving on to adoption, but changed our minds when we found out about the cost of donor embryos when they weren't through our clinic.  And the waiting list just seemed so long and daunting, especially when we weren't moving up that fast.

And I know that if this doesn't work, we have already had the initial discussions about adoption and we can move forward knowing that we gave it everything we had.

But I am hoping believing that this Donor Embryo cycle will work and that adoption will be how we complete our family of 4.  And then I can say "Dreams Do Come True" and really mean it.

All this honesty is making me tired.  I am going to bed.

How A Voicemail Can Change Everything

On Thursday, I was on the phone at work when my cell phone rang.  I glanced at the caller ID, expecting the call to be from Derek.  The name on the caller ID was my RE's office.  My mind immediately wandered away from the work call - I couldn't concentrate on anything the caller was saying and couldn't get off of the phone fast enough.  Since we aren't pursing any treatments and I hadn't called to ask any questions or to check in, I couldn't fathom why they would be calling me. 

When I finally got my caller off the phone, I checked to see if there was a voicemail.  That glorious little red circle with a 1 in it told me that I had a message waiting.  As I heard the voice, my heart started to race, my palms started to sweat.  And as I listed to the entire message, my spirit lifted higher than it has been in months.  Why you ask???  Not only are we currently NUMBER 1 on the list...

WE HAVE EMBRYOS AVAILABLE!!!

The donor coordinator sent me a profile over via email to review to see if we were iinterested.  Should we choose to pass on this set, we would still be first in line for the next set available.

But it gets better.

These embryos are the results of a cycle from a donor egg cycle.  We were able to review the characteristics of both parents (as well as all pertinent medical information and even information about their personalities).  Anyway, these physical traits could very well pass for a child that would have been biologically related to us.  There is a specific virus that I would have had to be exposed to for us to be a match for these embryos, so I am trying to keep my excitement in check until we get these results back in.

But, considering the fact that we are first in line, I think that some excitement is in order.  And the donor coordinator indicated that even if we weren't a match for these embryos, there is another set available and that she won't be doing anything with those until our test results are back in. 

You may recall where I posted here in June about how we were currently sitting at spot number 13 on the donor embryo list at our clinic.  I had all but given up hope that we would ever make it to the top of the list.  And here we are, a little over a month later, at the top of the list and with embryos waiting.

If everything goes well, we could be transferring by October.  We will only get one shot, so I guess that this will be our "Hail Mary" attempt. 

Put me in Coach, I'm Ready to Play... 

The Number 13

13 is typically considered an unlucky number. I actually looked it up today on Wikipedia (yes, on my handy dandy iPhone) to see why it is considered unlucky. It turns out there are several reasons - even one that is related to the end of the Crusades and the 13 Templar knights. In Italy, when your luck has turned for the worse, you say “tredici” which translates to 13. In some buildings, owners even skip the number 13 when the floors of the building are labeled. Apollo 13 was a disastrous mission – an oxygen tank exploded on the 13th of April in 1970, ending any chance to land on the moon. There is even a phobia associated with the number 13 that is called Triskaidekaphobia.


You may be wondering about my current fascination with this number.

I decided to call last week to check to see where we were on one of our paths towards parenthood. That number, my friends, is where we currently reside on the list for donor embryos at our clinic.

When we signed up over a year ago, we were at position #21. Just a few months ago, we were at position #19. We are moving on up.

I must tell you. For some reason, I knew in my gut before I even called this would be the number that we currently resided at. Perhaps it was my fear that this would be the number. (13 was the number of embryos we had during our fresh cycles of IVF. BOTH TIMES. And we know how well that worked out…)

I don’t know if I should take this as a good sign (the fact that we are now 6 spots closer to #1) or if I should take this as a bad omen.

Luckily, Wikipedia also references some situations in which 13 is considered a lucky number. Italians do consider it a lucky number (which is perhaps why they say it when their luck turns for the worst). Many successful sports figures have proudly displayed the number 13 on their jerseys. It is the number of cookies in a baker’s dozen.

Maybe I should ask the Magic 8 Ball...

Another 3,001 Factors in the Great Debate

Well, after a friend of mine announced her pregnancy today (UGH - I am not going to go into how I feel about THAT one), I determined that it was time to make the phone call to the Donor Embryo place to get answers to some of our questions.

The good news is that I did find out some answers.  The bad news is that I am not entirely happy with what I found out.

Firstly, the 6 months to a year time frame quoted in my first call to them months ago was a little off.  The actual time frame is at least 10 months.  Possibly longer.  Yup.  Great news.  And there is nothing that I could be working on right now.  It is all on THEIR time frame.  That is so WONDERFUL since I am known for my patience.  Umm, right.

The even BETTER news?  They have added a new fee to their plethera of existing fees.  The original stated cost was somewhere between 5,000 and 7,000.  There were additional possible costs of about 2,000 for STD testing and fees passed on from the donor couple to the recipient couple.  And that doesn't include the medications or the visits to a local RE for monitoring during the cycle.  The new fee is 3,000 for councelling for both the donor and the receipient couples.  3,000 worth of counselling?  I mean, how many f-ing sessions is THAT???  Like 15 per couple???

But back to my original train of thought here.  That gets us up to 8,000 to 10,000 just at the base cost.  Possibly 10,000 to 12,000.  And then add in the meds and the additional clinic costs for the cycle monitoring.  PER ATTEMPT.

I know that the financial implications shouldn't be the sole deciding factor in how we grow our family.  I KNOW THIS.  But, in making this decision, we also have to evaluate how this will effect us financially if it doesn't work and we needed to move on to Plan Z (aka Adoption).

And, really, if the donor embryo route will be possibly 12,000 - and comparitively, adoption would be 15,000 or more, wouldn't it make more sense (financially) to spend the extra 3,000 or so and actually take home a baby?

Crap.  Does anyone have a paper bag I can borrow?  I think I need to breathe into it...

The Great Debate - Donor Embryos Vs. Adoption

Sigh.  So many things to consider in the Donor Embryos Vs. Adoption debate.

So we sat down last weekend and had a heart to heart.  I haven't posted about it up until now (over a week later) because I have been taking time to process it all.

After much discussion, Derek's take on the subject was that he would prefer to try donor embryos first but would support me if I wanted to skip forward to adoption.

He left it in my hands.

So, for those of you who don't "know" me, making decisions is NOT my strong suit.  I am terrible at it.  I can go round and round in circles for hours days weeks and still not have a definitive decision.  This creates much strife for me because I also do much better when I have a plan.  So you can see the dillema here, can't you???

If you could have been inside my head over the last couple of weeks, you would have heard something similar to the following:

Hmmm.  Maybe we should just adopt.   It is pretty much a sure thing.  Fill out some papers - I can do that. Bide our time - OK, so I am not the most patient person in the world, but we are already 4 1/2 years into this now and still no baby - I think I can stick it out for a few months.  Throw some cash at it - we have some money in savings.  Take home a baby.  Sounds like a PLAN.  But wait - I know that Derek says that he will go with what I want to do, but if he isn't 100% ready for adoption, would he resent ME for making this decision?  Or even worse, would he resent this baby because of a decision I made??? 

And really, even though I would prefer for someone to just hand me the prize, am I ready to give up on carrying a child, even if it isn't genetically related to me?  I mean - I have always wanted to have that experience of the first ultrasound where you see the sac, hear the heartbeat for the first time, watch my baby grow, rub my swollen belly, feel my baby move inside me for the first time, watch Derek rub my stomach and see his excitement when he feels our child moving inside me for the first time.  Granted, labor is something I wouldn't mind missing - but that moment where they lie that newborn all nasty on your chest...I don't know if I want to give that up!!!

So donor embryos then.  After all, in our original "what if IVF doesn't work" plan, that was THE PLAN.  Donor embryos was the next step. I should call and ask some more questions, fill out the application, and send in our money.  I can call and schedule our home visit and get that taken care of.  And when we had a transfer of a blastocyst I did get slightly pregnant, so maybe our chances are good.

But what if it doesn't work? What if we go through the everything required and put in the time and money and hormones and shots and effort of this process and then end up with a (still) emtpy uterus?  The wait is between 6 months to a year!  So a year from now, we could be right back where we are now!  Maybe I should just save us the time, money and the heartache and decide adoption...

So as you can see, a decision has been eluding me and I am pretty much dizzy from turning in circles...and I have had a couple of panic attacks.

My current stance is that if I am still holding on so tightly to my desire to carry a child AND since that is Derek's preference, that I should just make the decision of donor embryos.  I think I am to a point now that I can say that is our next step in my head and I don't feel an overwhelming sense of panic.  Most of the time, anyway.

I think I will call the Donor Embryo place to ask some questions and fill out the application.  Hopefully between those two actions, I will know if this is the right choice...