We close on our new house this Thursday and we move in on Friday. We find out on Tuesday of next week if our baby is a boy or a girl. I have felt our baby move.
So why am I feeling like such a failure? Well, when we first arrived here, I spent tons of time taking care of the things that needed to be done when you move to a new city. And I have still been taking care of details for moving into our new house - from ordering blinds to arranging the delivery of our moving truck and movers to setting up the utilities. I have shopped for groceries and made some fabulous dinners. I have even baked a couple of cakes.
But, I have yet to make any "friends" and I haven't found a job.
As far as the job - I knew that finding a job while pregnant in an economy where thousands of people are struggling to find work was going to be difficult. But, I went into this process feeling very smart and capable. I was sure that I would be able to easily find some sort of employment, even if it was only part time. I know I haven't worked extremely hard to find a job yet. BUT I have submitted several resumes and made several phone calls. The only call I received for an interview thus far has been from a life insurance company who saw my resume posted online and wanted me to come in for a "group" interview at 6:30 at night. A small amount of Internet research let me know quickly that this interview was really an attempt to get me to be self employed selling life insurance. NO THANKS.
Perhaps I shouldn't get entirely discouraged yet. After all, I have spent
On the friend front - well you have to get out there to meet people. It really helps if you see the same people more than one time. I don't think many friendships are formed with the nice lady you bump into on the pasta aisle of the grocery store or the one you say "Hello" to as you pass her walking into the Post Office. I think most friendships in new cities are formed when you meet people through work or through volunteer organizations and the likes. I already mentioned that I don't have a job...And in my defense, I did call a couple of places and offered my services as a volunteer. I have yet to receive a phone call about any volunteer opportunities.
So - as I am sure you can imagine, these feelings have been building for a while. Add this to the fact that I am really missing my friends and family from back home AND the pregnancy hormones and you have a recipe for one weepy person.
Derek has mentioned that he will arrange a dinner with some of the people that he has met that he thought I could be friends with so that I could have a chance to get to know them. This hasn't happened yet. But I haven't really pushed because our weekends have been pretty full.
And then, on Friday night, Derek and I went out on the town to an event. While we were there, he started talking about having a housewarming party. I am not a party hosting type of person. It stresses me out, even when I KNOW all of the people who are coming love me and don't expect every detail to be perfect. All I could think was that I wouldn't know a single person at this party other than my husband. And this doesn't sound like a whole lot of fun for me. I don't think I mingle well under stress. Of course, I didn't say this to him - I just nodded and said it sounded like a great idea.
Then he was telling me about a friend of one of his co-workers who is due a couple of weeks before me. He said he would get her number so that I could call her and maybe we could be friends.
With tears brimming in my eyes, I tried to explain to him how miserable I felt. What would I do with her phone number? Call her up and say "Hi, I am pathetic and I have no friends. I heard we have something in common. Want to be my first friend?" So then he said he could call her. Great. What is more pathetic? Me calling or my husband calling on my behalf?
What a loser. No wonder I don't have any friends.
Top that all off with feeling as if I don't really have any say in our household anymore because I no longer contribute to bringing in any income. And, Derek has made a couple of comments that have made me feel as if my lowered image of self worth is true in his eyes, too. He has made statements about the fact that he is supporting our family and I am not doing anything. It hurts, it really does. I don't think he has ever seen me as an equal because his salary was always much higher than mine. But now, when I am not bringing anything in at all? Well, I feel like I am not worthy of ... anything.
And all of these feelings have led to a day in my sweats feeling totally unmotivated to do anything, tears rolling down my cheeks.
