4 Months Old

My monthly posts seem to be running a little late each month - I like to wait for the pediatrician appointment to get his measurements for the post.  That already has me a week behind.  And then I typically have a baby who is a little fussy due to shots and I am even further behind...

At Four Months:

• Weighs 14 pounds, 2 ounces
• Is 25 1/2 inches long
• Is wearing 3-6 Month Sized Clothing
• Is eating between 6-8 oz per feeding, 5 times per day
• Feedings are approximately 3 hours apart during the day
• Is consistently sleeping through the night (falls asleep around 9 or 10 and will sleep until 6 or 7 in the morning. Will often awaken during the night but will fall back asleep fairly easily
• Is now formula fed.
• Consistently smiles and coos.
• Is beginning to giggle a little bit.
• Has learned to blow his spit (think stick out tongue and blow) and it is his current favorite thing to do.
• Has discovered his feet and is enthralled with them.
• Helps out during diaper changes by putting his hands on his thighs and "holds" his legs.
• Loves to clasp his hands together below his chin (cutest thing ever...)
• Loves to lay in Mommy and Daddy's bed (always with close supervision)
• Still isn't the biggest fan of tummy time.
• Loves his swing and bouncy seat. Has recently learned that pulling the handle on the toy bar of the bouncy seat is what makes the music play and will pull the handle over and over.
• Just got a jumperoo and loves it, although he is still a little wobbly in it.
• Loves to stare at the ceiling fan, windows, lights.
• Is beginning to show a bit more interest in toys.
• Tolerates rides in car seat quite well
• Still sleeping partially swaddled at night (1 arm out) and we are working our way to no swaddling.
• Is wearing size 2 Disposable diapers or Newborn prefolds in the Size One Thirsties Duos.

Thanks to my friend Katie for the adorable onesie that Carder is wearing in his 4 month photos.  He truly is a Dream Come True.

Spit Bubbles!!!

Hair Club for Women

From other people's experiences IRL, I knew that I should probably expect some hair loss after pregnancy.  I really never expected it to happen.  And I certainly never expected it to be like this.

You see, I have always had baby fine hair.  According to my stylist, I have lots of it but it just doesn't seem that way when you pull it into a ponytail since it is sooooo fine.

I had been told that during pregnancy, my hair would grow very fast and be full and luxurious.  That never seemed to happen.  In fact, my hair grew slower during pregnancy than it did pre-pregnancy.  I never noticed it seeming fuller, although I did appreciate the fact that it seemed less oily.

In the last few weeks, I have been shocked at the amount of hair falling from my head.  I am constantly finding it attached to my clothing, hanging from my hair, on Carder's clothing, wrapped around Carder's fingers, stuck to my bare feet from the floor...this stuff is everywhere.  I am constantly pulling at that invisible hair that is tickling your face, arm, chest, neck, [insert body part here]...

When I wash my hair, it falls out by the handful in the shower.  Even more of it comes out when I comb.  When I blow dry, you can see it falling all around me and the brush gets full.  I clean the bathroom floor every other day, but from the hair that comes up from the floor, one would think I haven't cleaned the floor since we moved in.

It is absolutely terrible.  And according to Dr. Google, I can expect this phenomenon from 3-6 months postpartum - so- for up to the next 2 months.  Good Times.

So, in retrospect, I guess my hair was more full during pregnancy.  Either that or I need to sign up for Hair Club for Women because I am going bald.

Some Day, Some Way

A long, long time ago*, after almost 3 years of trying, Derek and I finally got pregnant.  After such a long time trying, I was sure that our dreams were finally coming true.  And then I lost the baby.  I was having a hard time dealing with the loss of this child and I began to search for solice online.

I found a website called Babycenter and I joined.  At first, I only participated in groups about loss and miscarraige.  I tried but couldn't stand the groups that were for people who were actively trying - there were so many people there who got pregnant their first try and it was so hard to stay positive when you felt as if you were the only one who was struggling to conceive a child.

And then I found a group of women who had been trying to conceive for one year or more.  It was if I had found an online home.  I made friends with these women quickly and I found a support system unlike one I had ever known.  I bonded with these women and formed some extremely strong relationships.  We mourned failed cycles and losses together.  And we celebrated successes together.  I love these women.  Although it has been several years now and we no longer post in our BBC group, we still keep in touch.  We have had 2 get togethers where we travelled across the US to meet each other.  And I hope we have more of these in the future.

For a while now, I have wanted to post about this group of women.  One of them - Katie - coined a phrase that we quoted to each other frequently.  "Some day, some way."  There were times that this phrase was all that kept me believing that some day my dreams would come true.  I held on to this phrase with all of my might in failed cycle after failed cycle.  It became my mantra.

And now - for almost all of us - this mantra has come true.  Most of us are now mothers or are expecting our first child (and are far enough into the pregnancy that I feel as if I can post this without jinxing anyone).  For us, our Some Day, Some Way has finally come true.  I look over at Carder who is sleeping like an angel in his swing and I feel so lucky that my dreams have finally come true.  (And we lived happily ever after.**)

But there are still 2 of us for whom our dreams haven't manifested into reality.  For them, the strain of infertilty broke them and their marraiges.

For one of these ladies, she and her husband had decided to pursue adoption.  They were quickly picked by a birth mother who was expecting twins.  She allowed herself to imagine the future with these babies and felt peace and happiness.  And shortly after being matched, her marraige fell apart.  Not only did she have to say goodbye to her husband - a relationship that had been over a decade of her life - but she had to give up her current version of her dream of motherhood.  Over the last couple of years, she has dealt with so many feelings of loss.  And in the last few weeks, she has been dealing with the feelings over having to pass up the chance to be a mother to the twins.

For you, my dear friend, I want to remind you that your "Some Day, Some Way" will still happen.  It won't happen with the man you began your journey with.  And it won't be with the twins you loved the moment you learned of them.  But it WILL happen.  And you will be a wonderful mother.  Never forget that "Some Day, Some Way" will find you when it is meant to be. 

For you, my readers, this post is twofold.  Please remember my friend and send some loving thoughts out to her, even if all you do is think something kind because you don't know who she is.  In addition, if you are still trying for your miracle, don't give up hope that your "Some Day, Some Way" will happen.  Whether you conceive naturally, through IUI, or through IVF - or whether you adopt embryos or a baby - one day your hearts and your arms will be full.

*Yes, this story begins like so many Fairy Tales.
**I guess you could say it ends like a Fairy Tale, too!

Hi Ho, Hi Ho, It's Back to Work I Go

I started back to work last week on September 13.

Going back wasn't as rough as I had thought it would be.  I was afraid that I would spend the entire first week in tears.  I guess I cried enough in the weeks leading up to it that I didn't have very many tears left.  Okay, so I teared up a little, but I put on my big girl panties, sucked it up, and managed to act like a professional about it.  After all, I am still just working part time (Tues - Thurs) and I am getting to be home with him the majority of the week.

It was nice to spend some time having adult conversations without having to worry that the baby would cry and interrupt the conversation.  It was nice using my brain to do something besides to calculate the scoops of dry formula needed for 12 ounces of water (or to count those scoops).

Did I miss my baby?  Absolutely.  Terribly.  Couldn't get home fast enough.

But it wasn't as bad as I had thought it would be.

Tuesday was rough - he was asleep when I got home and was a bit fussy.  That was probably the worst part of all of it - wanting to enjoy the time I did have with him and having him not be in the best of moods made me cry a little bit.  Wednesday was better - he was awake when I got home and (as I previously posted) waited for me to come home to roll over.

But the best part of the week? Thursday evening when I arrived home, my MIL was burping him on her shoulder.  When I walked in and spoke to him, his eyes lit up and he gave me this big huge grin.  It was almost as if he was saying "Mommy!  I missed you and I am so happy to see you!"  It totally made my day away from him worth it.

In Day Care news, my in-laws did a great job watching him.  BUT, our day care called on Friday and they now have a spot for us.  The in-laws will be watching him this week and next week and then he will begin going to the day care.  Although I know my in-laws are not ecstatic about this - they were, after all, looking forward to spending all that time with him - they understand that we can't pass it up.  And, I think that it is a good development.  I think that having the day care will alleviate the resentment and jealousy I was feeling and will prevent the destruction of my relationship with them.

Hopefully, this week will go just as smoothly as last week did.

3 Months Old

This post is a little late...

At Three Months:


Weighs around 12 1/2 pounds (at home weigh in)

Is about 24 1/2 inches long (at home measurement)
 Is wearing 0-3 Month Sized Clothing but is beginning to look like a bruiser in them.  3-6 month sizes are just around the corner

Is eating between 5-6 oz per day, 6 times per day
Feedings are approximately 3 hours apart during the day

Is consistently sleeping through the night (falls asleep around 9 or 10 and will sleep until 6 or 7 in the morning.  Will often awaken during the night but will fall back asleep fairly easily - if only Mommy could fall back asleep that easily).

Is currently getting a combination of breast milk and formula. All feedings are by bottle.  Breast milk is being phased out as Mommy is returning to work.

Consistently smiles big gummy grins at us.

Coos on a regular basis. Will coo at family or at items he likes.  Makes vowel sounds and is beginning to combine consonant and vowel sounds together.

Loves to sleep on Mommy's or Daddy's chest

Loves to lay in Mommy and Daddy's bed (always with close supervision)

Is getting better at tummy time now that Mommy is putting a rolled up towel under his arms.

Loves his swing, both side to side and front to back.

Loves his bouncy seat. 

Loves to stare at the ceiling fan, windows, lights.  He still doesn't play with his toys very much, but is beginning to show interest in certain items.  He has a monkey that he likes to hold and chew on.

Tolerates rides in car seat quite well

Prefers not to be swaddled (he likes to have his arms near his head) but sleeps better when swaddled. When not swaddled, Moro reflex wakens him often. Sleeps at night swaddled, but will work his arms out of the swaddling when he wakes up.

Is wearing size 1 Disposable diapers or Newborn prefolds in the Size One Thirsties Duos.

Rolling Over - Tummy to Back

I am one proud Mommy.  Tonight, during tummy time, Carder rolled over from his tummy to his back!!!  He is 3 months and 1 week, so this was right on time.  Derek and I were both home and watching him when he did this.

About 2 weeks ago, I began using a rolled up towel under his arms during tummy time.  This extra height made his view more interesting and he began to tolerate a little longer stretches.  And, as he learned that tummy time was more interesting if he looked up, he began lifting his head even higher during tummy time (even without the towel) and is supporting himself on his arms.

Over the last 2 weeks - as you can imagine- Carder's head control during tummy time has greatly improved.  This is also been the result of carrying him upright on my shoulder - he loves being able to look around and prefers to be held this way - so he is getting really good at being able to control his head this way as well.   

This, coupled with the fact that he was beginning to lean a bit to one side or the other occasionally during tummy time, was leading me to believe that he would be reaching this milestone before much longer.  I am so glad that I didn't miss it.

Counting Down the Days

In more ways than one.

Returning to work
And Not in A Good Way...

A while back, I posted about my options about returning to work vs. staying at home.  I never posted my decision about what to do, but in a nutshell, I decided to return to my part time job and turn down the contract work for my old employer.  My part time job gave me a return to work date of September 13.  This was longer than the typical 12 weeks of maternity leave, and for that I am very thankful.

But it isn't nearly enough time.  But I guess the million dollar question would be "Is there ever enough time???"

I have thought about not going back at all - and Derek has said it is an option - but I think in the long run it will be a good thing for me to return to working.  The extra income will be nice, having adult interaction will be nice, exercising my brain will be a welcome change.  I just have to get past the first couple of weeks and the initial shock of leaving my baby for longer than an hour.  I am not expecting those first couple of weeks to go well for me emotionally.  Fully expect some "Woe is Me" posts next week (if I decide I can tear myself away from my baby for long enough to post).

Of course, the only negative about returning to work isn't just being away from my baby.  The day care we are going to take Carder to doesn't have space for him until January at the earliest, so we need an interim day care.  Since we are new to the area, we have had a tough time finding suitable day care with availability.  Derek's Mom has been nice enough to offer to drive up (a 2.5 hour trip each way) to stay with him for me to return to work for the interim.  Of course, for her point of view, this is a wonderful opportunity to spend some great quality time with her grandson and she is super excited about it.  Me?  Notsomuch.  I HATE THIS.  Let me clarify.  I would hate this even if it was MY MOM keeping him.  I know, I know.  I should be thankful that someone who loves him will be keeping him - and I am.  But I am feeling very jealous and resentful.  But Carder is just beginning to develop a personality.  He is now smiling back at us and is beginning to interact with us on a more frequent basis.  New developments aren't far behind.  I am scared I won't get to see some of these firsts - that she will (Note to self, spell it out to her NOT to tell me if I miss something - let me believe that I get to see all of it first). 

While I am being honest, I might as well admit that  - as stupid as this fear is - I am worried that Carder will bond with her more than he has with me and that she will be so much better at "mothering" him than I am.  Realistically, I know that this is a ridiculous fear to have.  Yet, it is there - bubbling below the surface and waiting to rear it's ugly head.

And what if she is super mom?  What if I come home from work and she has not only taken care of Carder but also cleaned the house and cooked dinner?  I have been doing my best, but I struggle to get it all done.  And it damn sure doesn't all get done on the same day.  If I clean the house, we have leftovers or PB&J for dinner.  What if she can do it all and puts me to shame?

Between these reasons and the fact that we will have house guests at least 3 nights a week EVERY SINGLE WEEK, I have really been dreading returning to work.  Panic attack, can't breathe, night sweats dreaded returning to work.

She and I did have a conversation last night about my feelings about her watching Carder.  I was mostly honest (I didn't give her all the details about how I was feeling) and I have apologized in advance for any attitude sent her way during this transition period.  I am trying to keep a lid on any resentment or jealousy I am feeling, but I have never been good at that sort of thing.  Hopefully we can get through this period without me being such a bitch that I ruin the relationship I have with my MIL over her doing something NICE FOR US.  I really hope so.

Breastfeeding
And in a Love/Hate sort of way.

I haven't updated on the BFing situation in a while.

After weeks and weeks of pumping at every single feeding, Carder began to out eat my production.  Once I started having to supplement with formula and made the decision that I would be returning to work, I decided that I was going to cut out my night time pumpings.  And then I cut down to 3 times per day.  And now to 2 times per day.  For the last couple of weeks, I have been supplying about 1/2 of what he eats through the 2 daily pumpings.

But, with returning to work, I have been weighing out what to do with the BFing.  One part of me thinks that continuing to provide breast milk would be a wonderful thing to do for Carder.  But the other part of me looks at the hour it would take me to pump on the days I work and I really don't want to spend that time attached to a machine when I could be spending that time with him, even if it is just staring down at him while he is sleeping.

In addition, in planning out how my mornings will work, I would have to get up extra early just to pump then would have to pump again as soon as I got home from work.  I know that I could ask my MIL to take the morning feeding and the evening feeding and I could pump while she feeds him and she would gladly do this.  But if I were to do that, there is a good chance I would only get to feed him one time per day on the days I work.

So, I think that I am going to throw in the towel on BFing.

It will be nice to not have to be attached to the machine anymore.  It will be nice to be able to feed Carder and then get on with my day or go on to bed.  It will be nice to have Carder on straight formula - it will make it so much easier to plan an outing - no need to keep a bottle cold or figure out how to warm it up.  And, selfishly, it will be nice to be able to drink coffee and wine again.

Our breastfeeding journey was never what I had hoped it would be.  I still feel pangs of regret when I see someone breastfeeding their child and I don't know if that will ever go away.  If things had started out differently, perhaps my decision for moving forward would be different.  And yet, even as I type this post, I find myself wondering how I could make it work to continue to provide him with breast milk.  Could I do just one pumping per day?  Could I keep up my 2 a day routine?  Or would my sanity be better if I just gave it up completely???  And I think that cutting out the pumping makes the most sense, regardless of the way that giving up is making me feel.  Because it is what it is.

So there you have it.  Counting down the days.  Less than a week to go.