One Year Later

A year ago today, there was a hole in my heart and my arms were empty.

As I sat in the RE's office waiting on our transfer, I was hopeful but afraid to put too much pressure on the 2 tiny little embryos that were thawing in that petri dish in the back room.

So many things about this transfer were the same as previous transfers.  Same office.  Same waiting room.  Same chair.  Same Doctor.  Same nurse.

Ironically, it was also exactly 1 year after our last transfer.  (This is a fact that I did not realize until a few weeks ago when I was sorting through some old paperwork - or I probably would have scheduled a different date due to superstition).

I sat in that office listening to a meditation podcast and tried to remain calm and positive.  And when the embryologist showed us  the picture of those 2 beautiful little embryos,  a smile was pasted on my face.  I closed my eyes and pictured what life would be like when those embryos grew up with tears brimming in my eyes.

Today - 1 year later - my heart no longer feels as if there is a gaping hole.  Instead, it swells with the love I feel for my little boy.  My arms are no longer empty - I often find myself needing a 3rd or a 4th arm to be able to juggle everything.  Our previously quiet, neat and tidy house is filled with the sounds of baby talk, laughter, squeals, and cries and is cluttered with baby toys and dirty burp cloths.

One year ago, I was afraid to believe that we would ever have a child.  What a difference a year makes.