We have several friendly acquaintances at our Church with small children. One such couple has a daughter that is 11 months old. This past Sunday, I found out that they are expecting baby #2 and are 13 weeks along.
Since Carder has been born, this is the first time we have been "lapped" by someone we know.
I felt...
JEALOUS.
RESENTFUL.
PAIN.
For a moment, it was almost as if I was back in the thick of TTC with Infertility blocking our way.
It was the first time since we found out we were expecting Carder that I felt this way.
(OK, that's not entirely true. The first time was when the wife of another Church couple w/2 children where husband works on a boat in the ocean and is gone 50% of the year made a statement that there WOULD BE MORE and I thought "must be nice..." but it just wasn't full fledged pain, just the jealousy part)
It was the first time that I felt that sting - the slap in the face that knocks the wind out of you. I wasn't expecting to feel that way. I thought that perhaps actually having a baby in my arms would have protected me from the pain of just how easy it can be for other people. I suppose it has - but just not like I thought it would have. Instead of it being a spinal block, it made the pain tolerable. I didn't go home and cry about it like the childless infertile that I once was would have - I just had to breathe through the pain a bit.
I guess that what I took away from this was that I will always have scars from our journey through infertility. I will always remember what it felt like. I will always feel the stabbing pain of pregnancy announcements (at least to some extent). But at least now I can deal with the pain without crying myself to sleep or downing a bottle or two of wine - because I looked into the eyes of my beautiful baby boy, kissed him on top of his little head, told myself that he was worth every heart ache I had waiting for him, and said a little prayer of thanks that we were no longer waiting.
3 comments:
I know what you mean! Yesterday one of my fb friends announced that she "went in for a pap and came out 11 weeks pregnant w/ #4". Must be nice! It is so hard- infertility sucks!
Totally agree. I has surprised me recently how hard it has been to hear friend's plans for #2 and pregnancy announcements. I remind myself I'm not anywhere near ready for #2 and am not sure if I ever will be, but yet is still stings a bit.
Carli, such an honest post and I am sorry to hear that you felt hurt by the news of the OPP. Feelings are feeling and you can't help but feel them. It would be so much easier to be able to feel the way you think you should, but in life that is often not the case. It is better to be honest about those feelings as you have. And you did a good thing to take a moment to breathe through them. Good to hear that you were able to also reflect that it is not the same pain or nearly as bad as the past. And good for you to finish it off with thinking about what you are grateful to have in your life.
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