I have a Frostie...

And I don't mean the Chocolaty Ice Cream Goodness from Wendy's.

I heard from my Nurse the Dr's office today about the fate of our remaining embryos. We had one beautiful little embryo that made it to Blastocyst stage and was frozen! I am beyond shocked and I think we are both ecstatic! The conversation went something like this:

Nurse: I am calling to tell you about the remainder of your embryos.
Me: OK.
Nurse: You had one make it to Blastocyst stage and it has been frozen.
Me: (Very High Pitched Voice) What? Are you kidding me?
Nurse: No, I am not. (Like she would joke about something like this)
Me: (Still High Pitched) Oh my goodness! That is great! I am so happy!
Nurse: So are we, sweetie! yada yada yada

I couldn't tell you what else she said. I should have asked about the quality to see if the fragmentation had cleared up. I should have verified that it made it through freezing OK. I probably should have asked several other questions. But I didn't. I just smiled. And when I hung up the phone, I cried tears of joy for the first time in a really long time.

What this means is that Derek and I have a chance to try one more time for our own genetic child using this Frozen Embryo. When the time is right, they will thaw it out and transfer it to my uterus. Whether this is for another attempt at our first child or it could be for a future sibling. This is excellent news either way.

Derek was very excited when he heard the news. His reaction was similar to mine. Then he got REALLY quiet as he realized that if the 3 best embryos were transferred to me on Monday, that could mean that I have 3 blastocysts in my uterus. And that could mean triplets. Or that after implantation, any embryo has the opportunity to divide and become identical twins. Watch out Jon & Kate Plus 8 and the Octomom! Just Kidding!!!

This new development makes me feel much more optimistic about our chances this cycle. I am still trying to keep my optimism in check, but I don't feel the hopeless.

So now we have 3 in the Oven and 1 in the Freezer...

The Grocery Store Blues

When we started this whole process of TTC, I never dreamed that going to the grocery store could be such a gut wrenching experience. Now, each time I go to load up on our weekly eats, I find myself leaving with an aching heart.

The Grocery Store Blues started in March of 2008. After almost 3 years of peeing on countless sticks, March was when I first saw that miraculous and ever so elusive digital "Pregnant" staring back at me. March was also when that pregnancy ended. The week after the miscarriage, I went to the grocery store and immediately spotted a very PG lady. I altered the normal shopping pattern of up one aisle and down the other to a completely random visit to each aisle. Every where I turned, this woman seemed to be following me. I left the grocery store in tears.

Now, many months later, it is no longer just the pregnant women. It is the families. The mothers with their daughters. The fathers with their sons. The temper tantrums in the bakery over the desire to have a cookie. All of it warrants the pangs of disappointment and longing for my own LO.

Today, I ran into the grocery store to pick up some Strawberries and Pineapple (which are rumored to help IVF cycles work). It didn't take long for the pain to start - a little girl wearing a tank top, shorts, and cowgirl boots was begging to carry her birthday cake through the store and the parents were explaining why she couldn't carry it. I smiled at the sight and wistfully wondered if some day it would be me.

A few aisles later, as I was determining if we needed more cereal, I saw a familiar face - a girl I grew up with and hadn't seen in while. Seeing as how I now live in a different place than where I grew up, this is not a common occurrence for me. I walked up to her (concentrating on her face since I was trying to make sure it was her) and exchanged Hellos and "How have you been?". Anyone want to wager a guess on what comes next?

Yup, she is pregnant. About 31 weeks. And having a boy.

Now, I will have to say that as far as pregnant women go, it wasn't too terribly bad. She wasn't too smug about it. When she asked if we had any children, I laid it all out there that we had been struggling to have one ourselves for 4 years. She did not give me any "Aunt Jane" advice. The closest thing that she did to telling me whatever success story that she knew was to basically say not to give up hope because she knew several people who had tried for years and had finally been successful. Kudos to this old friend for how she handled the situation.

Even though I did have a moment where I thought "You have got to be F-ing kidding me? Can't a girl get a break?", I can honestly say I am happy for her and I wish her and her husband all of the best on their first child. Congratulations, Tara!

To My IRL Friends and Family

I know that over the past 4 years, each of you have struggled for the right words to say or the right way to act as I am in hysterics crying over my latest failed attempt at becoming a mother. I know that this last 4 years has not been easy for any of you and, although I may roll my eyes at something you say or do, I do appreciate the fact that you love me enough to make an effort to understand me and my horrendous mood swings.

I wanted to let each of you know that - contrary to popular belief - I am not the only infertile out there that acts like a mad woman every time that AF rears her head.

A good online friend of mine listed this as a link a couple of months ago before I started my own blog. I realized that it was SO true. I vowed that if I ever started my own blog, that I would link to it as well. So, here you go.

How to be a Good Friend

A Point of Reference

Last night, as I was lying in bed, I realized that after posting the picture of my 3 lovely embryos that I didn't post a picture of a non-fragmented embryo to give any of my non-infertile (IF) friends a point of reference.

So tonight, I went on the Google in search of a picture of a blastocyst to post here to give everyone a point of reference. What I found out was that I am definitely not an embryologist. As I looked at these pictures, they looked absolutely NOTHING like my dear sweet embryos. In a very un-Carli like manner, I calmly navigated through several more pages of images looking for something that looked remotely similar to our embryos but with less bubbles. I could have sworn that I have seen an image like this in the past, but alas, I could not find one.

In my search, I did find some interesting articles about fragmentation and thought I would share:

What are the factors thought to affect embryo quality?

• Age of egg provider
• Method of ovarian stimulation
• Timing of ovulation trigger
• Length of ovarian resting time since last IVF cycle
• Quality of Sperm (DNA fragmentation, etc)
• Embryology Laboratory protocols and expertise (including culturing environment)
• Smoking
• Weight
• Polycyctic Ovarian Syndrome

What is fragmentation? Embryo fragmentation occurs when cells divide unevenly, creating bits of membrane-bound cytoplasm that have no nucleus. The majority of embryos created during IVF cycles are observed to have some fragmentation, however, the more fragmentation, the less likely an embryo is to develop normally and implant successfully. The extent of fragmentation is an important indicator of embryo quality. Some research has also shown that the size of fragments also has an effect on embryo viability.

This was found on the website: http://www.miracleswaiting.org

For my Non IF friends, the answers to some of your burning questions may be found here...

Embryo Transfer #2

Most of the people who will read this blog already know this, but for those of you who don't already know, we are currently in the process of our second round of IVF (Invitro Fertilization). After all of the shots and all of the monitoring, I had the eggs that I had been working so hard to grow retrieved on Friday, May 22. There were 16 of them. After being combined in a dish with Derek's contribution to the process, we had 13 embryos by Saturday morning. As of Sunday, 12 were still "growing and dividing appropriately." Please note: this phrase DOES NOT mean that your embryos are normal. It only means they are still growing. We were told, once again, that we would have a day 3 transfer. This translated to us that we, once again, had fragmentation in our Embryos. Regardless of the change in medication protocol or how good the follicles looked, the outcome was not drastically improved.

So, today, we traveled into Atlanta for our Embryo Transfer. The transfer went well and we transferred 3 beautiful albeit fragmented embryos into my well prepared and thickly lined uterus. (I have been growing that, too!) Sorry for the picture quality, it is the best I have...

So now, we wait. For 2 - 3 more days. To see if any of our remaining 9 embryos will make it to the blastocyst stage to be frozen for future attempts.

And then we wait some more. For 11 excrutiatingly long days (from today). To find out if this round worked and if by some miracle after 48 months of trying, we will be pregnant. Finally.

I am a BLOGGER!!!

Okay, so after some urging from my Online Friends, I have fought off the resistance and I am now officially a blogger.

Before I get into actual blogging about our TTC journey and the daily grind of life, I thought I would take a moment to explain the title that I have picked for my blog. "It's Only Life" is a song by Kate Voegele that I heard for the first time on an episode of One Tree Hill (I know, but I am addicted). I soon downloaded it from iTunes onto my iPod and I have used it as a source of inspiration when I get down. Needless to say, I think that it is set on rapid repeat on my iPod. Eventually (when I figure out how), I may add it as some background tunage for this blog, but for now, I am doing good to get this puppy set up.

I am hoping that this blog will do for me the same thing that that song does - lift me up from the depths of whatever despair I am currently in.