After my last post, I went to update my BBC friends on the testing. The more I type, the worse I feel. It is almost as if opening up to let the smallest bit of innermost negativity out is like a small leak in the dam that is causing the whole dam to break and the water to come flooding out.
I realized that all of those feelings - you know know the ones - maybe I am a failure at reproducing because I would be a failure at being a mother.
Perhaps instead of mapping out our next options, I should just throw in the towel. Maybe Aunt Karen is right. Maybe I was never meant to raise children.
F.U.C.K.
3 comments:
Oh Carli. There are not words for me to express how much I am hurting for you right now. One of my first thoughts was I wish I could hop on a plane right this very second and be there for you in person. I am so sorry that this sucks so very much. It is ok to have that negativity. It is ok for you to have those feelings. BUT you need to be told anyway that 1. YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE AT REPRODUCING and 2. YOUR IF struggle DOES NOT MEAN YOU WOULD BE A FAILURE AT BEING A MOTHER. Exactly the opposite. It means you will be that much BETTER of a mother because of it. Call me please, if you want to talk.
I agree with Katie, it's ok to be sad and angry right now (heavens knows I am) and to have crazy thoughts but I want to be one more person to tell you that if you're fighting this hard to become a mother it can only mean you'll appreciate it the most when (and however) it happens.
Remember, reproducing is out of your control. You cannot fail at something you're not in charge of.
My heart's breaking for you, Carli, but I will not let you talk nonsense about yourself.
Lots and lots of hugs
Katie and Lau said it well, but I wanted to just give you a big hug. I wish I could do it in person and I know it won't change things or make things better. It still infuriates me that an amazing couple like you would have to go through this. You are one of the most amazing, strong women I have ever met in my entire life. Your marriage is a model to many, including me. It is just not fair at all and I'm grieving with you. Katie said it well, you are going to be a better mother because of all the struggles you've had to go through. You were meant to be parents. I know you will be somehow, someway and some child is going to be very very blessed to have you as parents. But right now I'm mourning your loss along with you and know that we are all behind you to support you through this. Please let us know if you need anything at all.
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