So we sat down last weekend and had a heart to heart. I haven't posted about it up until now (over a week later) because I have been taking time to process it all.
After much discussion, Derek's take on the subject was that he would prefer to try donor embryos first but would support me if I wanted to skip forward to adoption.
He left it in my hands.
So, for those of you who don't "know" me, making decisions is NOT my strong suit. I am terrible at it. I can go round and round in circles for
If you could have been inside my head over the last couple of weeks, you would have heard something similar to the following:
Hmmm. Maybe we should just adopt. It is pretty much a sure thing. Fill out some papers - I can do that. Bide our time - OK, so I am not the most patient person in the world, but we are already 4 1/2 years into this now and still no baby - I think I can stick it out for a few months. Throw some cash at it - we have some money in savings. Take home a baby. Sounds like a PLAN. But wait - I know that Derek says that he will go with what I want to do, but if he isn't 100% ready for adoption, would he resent ME for making this decision? Or even worse, would he resent this baby because of a decision I made???
And really, even though I would prefer for someone to just hand me the prize, am I ready to give up on carrying a child, even if it isn't genetically related to me? I mean - I have always wanted to have that experience of the first ultrasound where you see the sac, hear the heartbeat for the first time, watch my baby grow, rub my swollen belly, feel my baby move inside me for the first time, watch Derek rub my stomach and see his excitement when he feels our child moving inside me for the first time. Granted, labor is something I wouldn't mind missing - but that moment where they lie that newborn all nasty on your chest...I don't know if I want to give that up!!!
So donor embryos then. After all, in our original "what if IVF doesn't work" plan, that was THE PLAN. Donor embryos was the next step. I should call and ask some more questions, fill out the application, and send in our money. I can call and schedule our home visit and get that taken care of. And when we had a transfer of a blastocyst I did get slightly pregnant, so maybe our chances are good.
But what if it doesn't work? What if we go through the everything required and put in the time and money and hormones and shots and effort of this process and then end up with a (still) emtpy uterus? The wait is between 6 months to a year! So a year from now, we could be right back where we are now! Maybe I should just save us the time, money and the heartache and decide adoption...So as you can see, a decision has been eluding me and I am pretty much dizzy from turning in circles...and I have had a couple of panic attacks.
My current stance is that if I am still holding on so tightly to my desire to carry a child AND since that is Derek's preference, that I should just make the decision of donor embryos. I think I am to a point now that I can say that is our next step in my head and I don't feel an overwhelming sense of panic. Most of the time, anyway.
I think I will call the Donor Embryo place to ask some questions and fill out the application. Hopefully between those two actions, I will know if this is the right choice...
4 comments:
Carli- I am the exact same way...I have an impossible time making decisions and I, too, always feel like I need a plan (which does cause problems when you're not a decision maker!). While reading your post, I was feeling your dilemma and I honestly don't know which way I would turn in your shoes. At the risk of sounding cliche, follow your heart. I can't wait to hear what your final decision is.
Such a tough decision. I know it's huge, and scary and overwhelming to say the least. But when it comes down to it, I don't think you'd regret either decision - regardless of the outcome. So don't worry about making the wrong one. Look for the path of least resistance, does one of them make you feel more at ease?
Thinking of you Carli.
HUGS.
Carli--Both choices have so much to consider, it is a big decision. And maybe there is the added pressure of feeling like more time is passing while you are trying to figure things out. There are many arguements for each when looking at it rationally. But I think Kerri makes a good point to listen to your heart, followed by what Melissa said about doing what will put you more at ease. You might even be able to do both, in time. I hope you find your answer soon and have peace in your decision.
BIG HUGS
I have followed you since your loss and, let me first say, I am sorry you are in this situation.
It seems to me that going with donor embryos is where you are the most at peace based on what you have written. Even though you mention feeling torn, you come across quite clear on donor embryos in your writing. Being that you definitely would prefer to carry your child (if given the choice), I think you should go with it. If you don't attempt donor embryos, I think you may feel regret and struggle with that decision.
Sending you peace in this difficult time.
Best to you!
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