My Sources Say No

And the source isn't the Magic 8 Ball.

I took a HPT on Wednesday morning.  It was a First Response.  And that damned second line is still eluding me.  It isn't even faintly there.  There isn't even an evap line if you hold it in the sunlight to give me any hope.

After consulting with Dr. Google, I found out that it is one of the most sensitive tests available in drugstores.  It detects levels as low as 25.  Dr. Google also helped me reason out that a typical pregnancy starts generating HCG around 9 days after fertilization and then levels steadily increase.  (I already KNEW this, but had to do the research again anyway.)

What does that mean for us?  Well, since fertilization occurred months ago and our embryo was already 5 days old, then implantation should have occurred a couple of days after transfer and should have already been generating HCG.  Wednesday would have been 12 days after fertilization.  Yup.  Unless our embryo is a procrastinator, it doesn't look like the 3rd time will be the charm.

I feel like I am playing in a high stakes poker game and I just went all in with a pair of twos...My hopes of every having a biological child have been pretty much shattered at this point.  This freaking sucks.  I thought I was ready for this.  I thought I was ready to be told "That is it.  Throw in the towel.  You are a failure at producing offspring."  But based on how I am feeling right now, I don't think I was quite as prepared as I thought I was.  I am feeling pretty down.  Perhaps I should rename my blog to "The Forever Empty Womb".

I know, the fat lady hasn't sung yet.  But she is going to come a calling tomorrow afternoon around 2:30.

Derek has been great.  He knows I am taking this pretty rough and has been quite sweet.  He made a remark that next time, maybe we will get a live one instead of going for a seed.  It would be so nice to do SOMETHING that would actually result in a baby.

***SIGH***

I am still holding on to this one little tiny thread of hope (and I mean tiny - more thin and fragile than the tiniest spider's web you have ever seen) and I will be testing again tomorrow morning.  Don't hold your breath for me to post tomorrow night.  I am expecting to be quite intoxicated.