Although I heard the news on Monday afternoon, I am still processing it and dealing with how I feel. The hopeful 8.8 that we heard on Friday had dropped to 3.9 by Monday. The nurse said it was now a negative and I didn't have to return anymore for follow up bloodwork and to stop taking my meds.
I have stopped taking everything. Every time I use the restroom, I expect for AF to be arriving but she hasn't shown her ugly face yet. With every twinge down there, I think about her pending arrival - how when she shows, that thick beautiful lining that I worked so hard to build up will be shedding from the walls of my uterus and bringing with it my precious little embryo that just wasn't strong enough. It won't resemble much and probably won't even be visable in the post-IVF hell that shows after an unsuccessful transfer...
What I really feel like posting about right now is not our future options or how I know I will come out stronger on the other side. What I really feel like posting about is something that is so minute that it shouldn't even be entering my contious thoughts. Really - you will think I am nuts.
What is this trivial item???
My tag line on my the BBC.
As I contemplated the shedding of my uterine lining, I wondered "Does this count as a miscarriage? Should I update my tag line on BBC to 2 Angels?" But the worst part about this is that in this thought pattern, I realized that really, throughout this IVF process, I didn't have just 1 Angel. My total embryos transferred has been 7 which brings my total of known live embryos in my uterus to 8. And there were 18 more that never made it out of the petri dish. Crap. That is a total of 27 known embryos of ours that never stood a chance.
27.
That is a lot of babies that I have been unable to bring into this world safely. I half jokingly told my best friend over lunch that I felt like a baby killer. I know. That is an absolutely TERRIBLE way to look at this situation. Really, someone probably needs to slap some sense into me for having these thoughts.
But I guess what makes me so worried about this number? Why would anyone chose to give me THEIR babies to grow in my uterus if I couldn't get my own to nestle down in there????
Logic tells me that the fragmentation means some sort of genetic anomaly that prevented me from carrying a child of our own to term and that any strong healthy blastocyst would stand a chance. After all, Dr. C told me that my uterus is just fine even though it has it's own anomaly. And logic would also argue that the only blastocyst we transferred at least implanted and gave us an HCG of 8.8.
But that damned emotional/hormonal/irrational side of myself is screaming that I don't stand a chance at carrying a baby so why even bother to try someone else's embryos? Wouldn't I just end up losing them too and having to add them the list of carnage??? It is screaming at me to just give up any hope of ever seeing an ultrasound with my baby in it. It yells to forget about feeling the baby move or kick for the first time. It tells me that I should not even bother about daydreaming about Derek kissing my swollen belly and looking at me in awe as he gets to feel it move for the first time. It whispers that having a nurse hand you your baby all covered in goo after labor is over-rated. It taunts that breastfeeding will never be in my future.
Maybe I should just remove anything about angels from my tag line on the BBC. It makes the decision that much easier. Besides - I think I would have some people un-friend me with a statistic like 27 angel babies in my tag line. Yup. That sounds like a plan.
Shit - I guess I should sign off while I can. I think I see a man with a straight jacket coming for me. And even if he wasn't on his way, some of you that know my home address might be sending him FOR me after reading THIS post.
Oh, and Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde can eat their heart out. Leave it to a woman with infertility to really go ape-shit nuts! I think I have them beat.
5 comments:
I am so sorry for your loss and the multitude of questions and concerns it has brought you.
This is an extraordinarily tough time and whatever you need to focus on while you are working through it is alright.
You will come through this in time although that is little comfort. Sending you peace and hugs while you make your way.
You are allowed to have these kinds of thoughts Carli (even though I don't agree with the negative ones). I don't think it makes you nuts at all- you are processing a very traumatic event right now- and are entitled to whatever feelings you have or want to have. I always tell my kindergartners it is always OK to feel sad, mad, etc- what is not ok is hurting someone else because you feel that way- so there. I just justified everything you typed, so don't beat yourself up about any of it.
Your embryos and your uterus are two separate entities- just beacause you have known embryo fragmentation does not mean your uterus isn't a grade A, stellar nest for a perfect embryo. AND to put it in a better perspective for you- think about how many fertilized eggs each woman has that never implant that no one knows about- if you are going to count all 27, I bet most women really have lots of eggs that made it that far, and just never knew it.
I honestly count the transferred embryo that did not make it as a lost baby- "miscarriage" if you want to be technical. But, what ever way you want to consider the 27, or 8 or 2 embryos is ok- who gives a damn about what anybody else thinks? Do what's best for you, gives you peace and comfort, and feels right.
Love you- as always.
Carli, you are totally justified in feeling everything you are feeling. It's a rough time for you right now, so no matter what you are feeling or thinking, it's ok, you aren't nuts or crazy, it's just how you are coping with everything. I agree with Katie, think about all the lost eggs that every woman ovulates and don't become pregnancies. I know it's not the same as embryos, but still, it's staggering. She's also right about your fragmentation issue not being related to your uterus. You could have an amazing uterus that could still be a wonderful home for another embie. I hope you start feeling better really soon. Thinking of you often. Love you!
I hate that you have to go through this, Carli, but considering what a horrible situation to be in, I'd say you're doing very well.
It's only natural to have all sorts of feelings, even some thoughts that scare us a bit. You're grieving and it's ok to feel sad/mad.
Regarding your embryos, when I was feeling sad about my miscarriage, someone told me that Nature must have known that it wasn't meant to be. I felt so upset because I thought they didn't understand the pain I was going through but as the days went by, it helped me realise that I could not have done anything different to save that embryo. You personally did nothing wrong for your embryos not to take. Just the opposite, you tried everything available and you did more than your very best. I know right now I probably sound like that person sounded to me back then but I hope in a little while you realise that you didn't cause your miscarriages. They're sad, unfortunate events that just happen. You're not personally responsible for them.
I know I'm probably saying all the wrong things and stuff that you can't be bothered reading. I just want you to know that I'm thinking about you and Derek every single day and hoping very much that the dark clouds that surround you now will soon give way to light and new dreams.
Hugs and strength!
Carli,
I am so sorry that you are having to go through all of this and hate that you and anyone else has to.
What you are feeling is normal (and in my book completely justified). Many people going through IF feel the way you do, but don't express it. I think it is better to. Just don't allow your thoughts to get in the way of your dreams. You will find a way.
I am new to your blog and even though I did skim through, I was wondering if y'all have determined if the problem with the fragmentation comes from your egg, his sperm, or both.
I am thinking of you.
Tina
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