I know that is probably a really odd title for a post on a blog of a person moving forward with adoption - because really, does a woman adopting need a maternity shirt??? Yeah, I didn't think so either.
A while back, while shopping at a Kohl's department store on my lunch hour, I bought a couple of shirts that were on a sale rack marked down to an incredible price. As I was in a rush, so I didn't try them both on. One of them was a beautiful shade of blue and had the gathered look below the breasts.
You know the kind - the ones that hang loose over your stomach and cleverly reveals any belly flab? The kind where people wonder if you are pregnant when you wear it?
Well, at the time, we were in the middle of our first IVF cycle and the bloat had set in. I was looking for a shirt to hide the IVF bloat and it seemed like it would be perfect. I checked the size and it was a Medium. Perfect.
Well, as the title of this post has hinted, it was - in fact - a maternity shirt. I didn't realize this until I was taking the tags off. For the first few minutes, I was completely embarassed. How "drunk on Gonal F" does one have to be to mistakenly buy a maternity shirt?
Well, after the redness drained from my face, I determined that I was going to keep it. After all, this WAS before I found out about the fragmented embryos and our dreams of biological children were still very vivid. So I tucked that puppy into my closet. I never wore it for fear that wearing it would jinx our chances of ever getting PG. But every time I thumbed through my long sleeve shirts looking for something to wear, I touched this beatiful blue blouse and dreamed of the children that would never grow in my belly and the day that I would finally get a chance to wear it.
Well, today I decided that I should rid my closet of this shirt. My friend Jill is now expecting her first child - a boy - and her husband has lost his job. I realized that this shirt would provide her with much more use than it would provide me just hanging in my closet.
So today, I gave away my lone maternity shirt. I don't feel sad about it. I think that I have accepted the fact that I will never need maternity clothes and giving it away was almost like a cleansing for me. Will I still look at that spot in my closet reserved for my solitary piece of clothing representing a baby? Maybe. But hopefully not every day.
2 comments:
It is amazing how much emotional baggage we attach to objects. I used to go sit in our spare room imagining the nursery that I was afraid would never be. Low and behold- we're not even using that room as the babies' room. I also had two lone baby outfits meant for my future children that I used to take out and look at but I was too chicken to give them away. I'm not even sure I like them all that much anymore.
I'm proud of you for giving the shirt away. I'm guessing you wouldn't even like it all that much anymore if you needed to wear a maternity shirt. And I'm even more proud of you for thinking about it so postively. I think you should treat yourself to a great NEW shirt to fill that spot and to reward yourself. :)
Oh, Carli! I am crying! I did the exact same thing!!! Mine was a summer top and kind of long when people were wearing the beginnings of the the shirt dress with jeans. I remember looking at myself in the mirror while trying it on at home and thinking did I buy a maternity top? I went on oldnavy.com and yep, I most certainly did! Then I went back in front of the mirror and kind of daydreamed about the one day I would be PG. This was when we were toying with the idea of really trying. I decided to keep it "just in case."
After we did start trying and nothing was happening, I had the top in one of my drawers and would pull it open to look at it once in a while. I never wanted to wear it for fear of the same thing--that it might jinx our chances.
Then once the divorce got under way, a dear friend of mine came to visit and support me. She was PG and was going to be due in the beginning of the summer and not wanting to spend the money for some tops she might wear for a month--make the winter/spring ones stretch. So asked her to take my maternity top and she did so with tears and hugged me.
I also felt a release from the dream that one day I might carry his child--even though at that point we knew it was medically impossible--on top of going through a divorce.
Oh, sweet Carli! I hope I am not stealing away from your story, but I just had to share. I hope you find that little one soon!
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