Yesterday was my postpartum appointment. In the days leading up to this appointment, I began to get more and more anxious about what Dr. M was going to have to say regarding my emotional state.
In the days when we were still trying to conceive, I imagined that bringing a baby home would be sunshine and rainbows EVERY. MINUTE. EVERY. DAY.
So when we brought Carder home, I was alarmed to find that I was having many periods filled with anxiety, exhaustion, and feeling basically overwhelmed. Even though I didn't voice this out loud very often, I was beginning to wonder if I was suffering from postpartum depression. After all, we tried for 6 years for this miracle baby. Shouldn't I just be smiling from ear to ear and ecstatic 24/7? This fear was compounded if I had a moment of feeling severely overwhelmed and Derek asked me if I was depressed.
So, I was dreading the conversation and the prescription to follow. I didn't want to be put on something that would make me feel absolutely nothing. When Dr. M asked me how I was feeling, I answered him honestly. I told him that I had good days and bad days. On the good days, I felt energized and like my old self, just happier because I had a perfect baby in my arms. On the bad days, I felt like I wasn't coping with anything well at all - I slept all I could, cried at the smallest thing, and felt very frustrated with Derek for not helping out unless I specifically asked him to do something.
Dr. M (who is MARVELOUS) was so kind. He patted my leg, held my hand while I cried, and told me that he thought what I was experiencing was normal - that having a baby was a big change and required a big adjustment. He told me to be more open and clear with Derek regarding what I needed him to do to help me out so that I wouldn't feel so overwhelmed. And he made me feel better by saying that he and his wife suffered the same adjustment period after each of their 6 children were born.
I felt so relieved that he didn't think I was depressed that I cried again.
Health wise, I am healing just fine. No issues to report. He thought that it was probably time for me to start phasing out the breast feeding due to the issues I have been experiencing and my imminent return to work. We are having to supplement more and more as the little guy grows. And, although I probably should pump each time he eats, I am cutting down on my pumping - I just can't keep it up and I have to do something for my sanity. I don't want to spend these last few weeks at home with him resentful of the pump.
We also had the discussion about birth control. Derek and I had already had a pre-discussion and I had a pretty good idea of where I wanted to be. Right now, while I am getting little sleep and still adjusting to being a mother, I cannot fathom beginning to try for another one and all that entails for us. But, I know that our odds of conceiving on our own are very small (unless we become one of those Aunt Jane stories) and if we did happen to have a surprise pregnancy, I would be happy to have a second child. We both felt that we should avoid birth control. Thankfully, Dr. M considered our circumstances for just a moment before saying he didn't think we should use birth control. He cited our low chance of conceiving as one of the primary reasons and my emotions as another. Since I was feeling emotional and afraid of depression, he didn't want to add any unnecessary hormones into the mix.
5 comments:
Being a new mom is such a huge adjustment! It was emotional for me and I didn't give birth so I couldn't blame it on hormones. You will adjust to your "new normal" soon. I think sleep deprivation plays a huge role, too. And no, not everyday with a baby is "sunshine and roses"! Especially when they start teething! =)
I was wholly unprepared for postpartum anxiety, which I didn't even know existed. Some days I thought my head would explode. You're going through such a mammoth adjustment right now, and when you pile lack of sleep and the all-day, every-day new responsibilities on top of that, it can be brutal. Just be kind to yourself, and ask for help as often as you need it (most husbands, I think, have no idea what they can do to help and are waiting for us to tell them). The rhythm of daily life will start to feel more natural before you know it.
I think Ifers like us that spend years waiting for our some day all tend to over sunshine-and-rainbows life with a new baby while we wait. Plus, I think we feel the need to show that we deserve it and are worthy of it once the baby arrives. That combo adds up to a harder time adjusting the the reality of a new baby. It's hard and it is okay to want it so badly for years and years and still think it is hard once the baby is here. It doesn't make you any less of an amazing mother. I read a book called IVF and Ever After ( I think?) that really helped me accept what I was feeling at the time, when I was about the point you are.
Hang in there Carli. It is a huge adjustment, no matter the path you took to get here. It is perfectly normal to have highs and lows. It will get better but it takes time and there will always be new overwhelming challenges. Once you have a baby STTN, it makes a world of difference!
HUGS!
Your descriptions of what you are going through sound a lot like what I'm experiencing as well. I think a lot of us feel this way, but no one talks about it, so we aree ech left wondering if we aree suffering from depression. Motherhood is overwhelming to say the least! I still can't believe younare cooking dinneres. I can barely get out of the house and when I do, its bc I'm forcing myself to get fresh air. Or rather, that my hubby is orressuring me to take the baby outside. Hope you feel better every day and that this motherhood gig gets super easy for us both very soon. Xoxo.
All I want to do is give you a big hug right now. But I will say that I am very proud of you for being so honest with your doctor. It is good they acknowledged that there is a transition period. I hope that you have been able to ask Derek for the specific help that you need and that he has been receptive. And sometimes it can be hard for you to know what to ask for, as well.
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