It's Like Riding a Bicycle

At least that is my opinion, anyway…

Although I am a mother, I didn’t achieve a pregnancy without medical intervention and without the genetic assistance of others.  And even though I had the honor of carrying my child and experiencing a pregnancy, I am still infertile.

Infertility is like riding a bicycle.  Even though you have taken months off of actively trying to conceive a child, it seems like the muscle memory of your brain just remembers how to fall back into the pitfalls of being an infertile.

Some people speculate that once you have had a baby, your body somehow “learns” how to get pregnant.  This is why you hear of all of the stories – you know the ones…“I know someone who did 8 IVF cycles and finally had a baby and when their baby was 10 months old, they miraculously got pregnant on their own.  Maybe that will happen to you too!?!”  I know this happens.  I know people in the online ALI community who have had this miracle occur and I am truly happy for them.

Do I think I will be one of them?  Nope.  But apparently my unconscious thoughts somewhere in the depths of my mind are hoping this will happen.  I get a reminder of this every month. 

Here are the Facts:

• We are not preventing.  We are not “actively trying”.  Intercourse in our house is timed – but rather than to my cycle it is to when we have the most time and energy for each other – the weekends.

• After Carder was born, I have noticed some changes in my body.  My cycle is still as short as ever (24-25 days) and my periods are still very painful.  But I now experience the tell-tell signs of ovulation every month.  For instance, Egg white cervical mucus is now a monthly occurrence for me – in abundance.  I no longer have to look closely to determine if it is there.  Now, I can easily tell when I wipe and there is no need to get my fingers involved in the process.
• We did achieve one known documented pregnancy that didn’t involve a petri dish and an embryologist.  The documented beta level was only at 45 and I lost the pregnancy by 5 ½ weeks.

The Conclusion:

I am a lunatic infertile whom apparently thinks she is having a miracle baby.  Needing to have intercourse more than once (or at all) in fertile window of 3 days be damned.

Case in Point: 

Last month my cycle was 24 days long.  On day 22 or 23 of this cycle, I had some cramps that I would have sworn AF was coming any minute.  She never showed.  By day 25 when AF hadn’t arrived, I was mentally tallying up every possible pregnancy symptom that I was experiencing. 

I have cramps but no spotting.  I am soooo tired I can barely stay awake after 4pm.  I am absolutely starving but at the same time I think I am going to throw up.  I think my nipples look darker…I must be pregnant.

Derek and I have a conversation about “what if” I really am pregnant and we ponder cute baby names (it’s totally a girl by the way).

I calculate a due date.  I ponder whether I will higher risk due to the preterm labor with my previous pregnancy and will be put on bed rest.  I calculate how much extra this will cost us at daycare.   I think about all of the cute ways we can announce the pregnancy to our families and friends.  I wonder what kind of big brother Carder will be.

I practically had my hands perched on the keyboard to Google “Early Pregnancy Symptoms” and was contemplating run to the drugstore to buy a stick to pee on.

And then the rational side of me took hold of the optimistic side and shook the hell out of it. 

"GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF!!!  YOU ARE INFERTILE.  THE CHILD YOU BORE ISN’T EVEN GENETICALLY RELATED TO YOU!  THE ODDS AREN’T GOOD.  HAVE A GLASS OF WINE AND CHILL THE FUCK OUT."

So I drank some wine (while thinking to myself that I may be pickling my possible child and wondering if it will be my last glass of wine).

And the next day the bitch showed up.

Thank God I didn't go out and waste my money on another damned stick to pee on.

You would think that one of these days I would abandon all hope...At least I no longer sit on the toilet and cry about it, right?