Checking in at 7DPT

I had this great title for this post in my head, but I forgot it. 

Speaking of forgetting, I also drove almost halfway home before I remembered that my dogs needed to be picked up from the vet, even though I had the thought in my mind when I drove my car out of the lot.  I walked into the back parking lot looking for my car and panicked when I couldn't find it (I was parked out front).  I was making myself some hot tea at work and I forgot to put the water in the microwave - I dropped the tea bag into the cold water to steep and then wondered why the microwave was taking so long.  I can't tell you the number of times I walked into the room with the printer only to forget that I walked in there to get paper off of the printer.  And I forgot numerous other things as well.

And as if being uber forgetful was not enough, the following symptoms have also graced me with their presence.

I have gas.  Really stinky gas.  And I am constipated.

I am exhausted.

I have a headache.

The girls are sore.

My nipples look different and are more sensitive  (Note:  This little jewel was pointed out to me by my husband last night.  I don't typically get "nipply" when it is cold.  He didn't even realize this could be a symptom of pregnancy...)

I have felt very nauseous several times today.  Including right now.

My water bottle (filled today at the office) tasted distinctly like dirt.

I am having mild cramps.

Between last night and today, I spent quite a bit of time googling "Early Pregnancy Symptoms" and "Cramping in Early Pregnancy"*.  I did determine that many of these symptoms are caused by increases in estrogen and progesterone. Since I am dosing myself up with these hormones, I fully realize that many of these symptoms could be explained away simply as a side effect so I am trying to keep my excitement in check.

As if you couldn't tell from my post earlier today, I seriously believe that time has stopped.  Perhaps this is because I find it extremely hard to keep my mind off of the million dollar question while at work.  I don't know why, but I can push these thoughts out of my head while I absorb myself into a movie.  While I am supposed to be preparing monthly totals for a report or testing the latest upgrade to our software, I can't seem to focus on work because all I can think about are ALL THINGS PREGNANCY RELATED.

When I got home today, I almost caved and POAS.  I actually had the box in my hand.  Instead of pulling one out and running for the toilet, I settled for covering up the result that I wish to not see and focusing on the one I do want to see.  After all, why waste one on afternoon urine when everyone knows that FMU is the best???  Right now, my goal is to hold out until Saturday morning.  I may cave tomorrow morning and I may chicken out on Saturday morning.

UGH!  I completely forgot how much the 2WW SUCKS!

* I know, you want to ask yourself "Seriously?  Shouldn't she know all of this by now?"  You know I do, I just needed validation.

Tick...

....................................................................................Tock..............................................................Tick.................

You get the picture.

I really don't think time could be passing any more slowly.

The Number 13

13 is typically considered an unlucky number. I actually looked it up today on Wikipedia (yes, on my handy dandy iPhone) to see why it is considered unlucky. It turns out there are several reasons - even one that is related to the end of the Crusades and the 13 Templar knights. In Italy, when your luck has turned for the worse, you say “tredici” which translates to 13. In some buildings, owners even skip the number 13 when the floors of the building are labeled. Apollo 13 was a disastrous mission – an oxygen tank exploded on the 13th of April in 1970, ending any chance to land on the moon. There is even a phobia associated with the number 13 that is called Triskaidekaphobia.


You may be wondering about my current fascination with this number.

I decided to call last week to check to see where we were on one of our paths towards parenthood. That number, my friends, is where we currently reside on the list for donor embryos at our clinic.

When we signed up over a year ago, we were at position #21. Just a few months ago, we were at position #19. We are moving on up.

I must tell you. For some reason, I knew in my gut before I even called this would be the number that we currently resided at. Perhaps it was my fear that this would be the number. (13 was the number of embryos we had during our fresh cycles of IVF. BOTH TIMES. And we know how well that worked out…)

I don’t know if I should take this as a good sign (the fact that we are now 6 spots closer to #1) or if I should take this as a bad omen.

Luckily, Wikipedia also references some situations in which 13 is considered a lucky number. Italians do consider it a lucky number (which is perhaps why they say it when their luck turns for the worst). Many successful sports figures have proudly displayed the number 13 on their jerseys. It is the number of cookies in a baker’s dozen.

Maybe I should ask the Magic 8 Ball...

A Baby - Maybe?

That got your attention, didn't it???  Before I explain the title of this post, I have to make another couple of random statements.

I know - it has been a while and I apologize.  But the truth is that since we have been on "hold" on the adoption front, there hasn't really been much to blog about.  My mom always said "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all."  Hence my silence.  I haven't really had a lot of positive thoughts about us becoming parents.  Between 2 showers for my very pregnant friend and watching my staff member's belly swell with her sweet bundle of joy and hearing about my co-workers 16 year old giving birth, I have just been in the pits myself.  So I am sorry if my absence and lack of commenting has offended or hurt anyone.  I do love you all dearly and I apologize.  I have been reading all of your posts.

The only positive things I have to say are that our A/C broke during a time with 85 degree spring weather.  The master bath STILL isn't done and I am afraid it will never be done.  I hate my job.  And I barely survived ran a 5K last week.  What, those weren't positive statements?  Yeah, I am in a funk.

Now - on to the topic at hand - A BABY - MAYBE?

Another co-worker of mine approached me about a baby that was born into her family last week (he is absolutely adorable, BTW!).  He was born to a set of parents who don't have custody of their first child.  The night the baby came home from the hospital, the father OD'd and DFCS stepped in again.  The baby is with a family member right now.  The point is that she asked if Derek and I would be willing to consider adopting this little boy.  She isn't 100% sure that the mother and father are willing to give the baby up for adoption, but she feels fairly certain that they would definitely be interested, especially if there were some financial compensation in it for them. 

I explained to her the types of adoption we would be interested in, told her that we would only pay the compensation legally allowable by the state of GA, and that we were not interested in foster care.  I told her that if all of this were agreeable to the birth parents, we would be willing to see if we could make this work.

My co-worker is finding out what the situation is.  There was a hearing with DFCS today and apparently the mother indicated that she was considering adoption.  The mother also showed up to the hearing under the influence of some sort of drug.  There is supposed to be a second court hearing in a couple of weeks to re-evaluate the situation.

I am trying to have the attitude that if it was meant to be, everything will work out and the baby will come to us.  I am also trying to keep myself from seeing any glimmer of hope in this situation until things become clearer.  If she does, indeed, want to allow the baby to be adopted, and she does want to consider us as the parents of her child, then we will go from there.  We will contact a lawyer to find out what the next steps are.

Regardless of the outcome for Derek and I, I will be praying that this little baby be in a home where he can be loved and can be given the best chance to survive and thrive.  I sincerely believe the biological parents aren't going to provide that home.  Please help me pray for this little one to be safe and happy.

And now...Well, we wait.

Our Progress (or Lack Thereof) Towards Adoption

You, my faithful readers, may have noticed that in the last few weeks, this blog has included no posts related to our progress on adoption.  That is because there has been None.  Zip.  Zero.  Zilch.  Nada.  And I feel that I owe you all an explanation.

I have not blogged about this - I don't know why I have been so hesitant.  Perhaps because I am afraid someone at the job that I hate will stumble across my blog and they will learn of my plan?  Perhaps because I am afraid that my mother (who I gave the address of my blog to but I don't think she has ever pulled it up to read it - but that probably deserves a post all of it's own - but I digress) will read this post and freak out.  Perhaps it is because I just don't know how to say it.

For the past year or so, Derek and I have been feeling trapped.  Trapped by the jobs we hate.  Trapped by the house that was meant to be an "investment".  Trapped by the town in which we live.  Trapped by our infertility.  Trapped.  Trapped.  Trapped.  We have discussed, at length, how we would love to pack up and move somewhere else.  Somewhere new.  Somewhere that offers the lifestyle that we want to live and where we could just start over.  I know, moving somewhere new won't change my fertility status and it won't make a baby magically appear.  But at least it will give us a fresh start.  By selling this house and moving away from here, we have the opportunity that perhaps Derek can take a much less stressful job and that, as a couple, we can be better parents to our future children that we can't produce on our own.
Well, here lies the conundrum.  The adoption process can take a long time.  For some people, it can take a couple of years.  When you are dreaming of moving somewhere else, you have to ask yourself "Do I really want to get started in this process that can take years and tie us to this place we dislike for even longer?"  We have been trying to figure out how we could start the process here and finish it in a different state and that was our plan.

But then, the misery with certain parts of our lives here grew larger and some incertainty about Derek's job came into the picture.  I began to worry about the extra stress on Derek to try to stick it out here and start the process.  I started to worry about what moving mid-stream would do to the time line.  Did I really want to go through all of the work to get started in Georgia just to have to repeat all of the work in the new state?  And what if we were matched with a BM who got freaked out by our move in the middle?  All of the what if's started to worry me.  BIG TIME.

So I sat DH down and we discussed an "exit strategy".  I told him that if we were serious about making this change, that I thought we should start planning for it now and move towards reaching that - set ourselves some goals and a timeline.  And we agreed to put the adoption on hold for a couple of months.  I am still looking at agencies and if we happened to find a BM that we could adopt independently from, we would still go for it if the situation was right.  But I am not tying us to this place any longer.

We were wanting to finish up a couple of items in the house so that we can maximize our profit when we sell this place.  So we are now one room away from having the main level of the house finished.  We thought we might make some touch ups to the garage.  We are going to replace the flooring in the basement and give it a paint job.  And then we are going to list the house and hope for a quick sale.

We also wanted to stick it out until a set date in the future because it was more beneficial with Derek's job to reach that date.  That date is quickly approaching.

Our thoughts are that if the house sales, we will have some cash to fall back on and we can move to our new location and find a place to rent.  We can find ourselves some jobs and look for a house to buy.  And once we get settled, we can sign up with the agency of choice.

So there you have it.  The truth about why we haven't really made any progress...Recently, I have been thinking (more times that I care to admit) that living our lives would be so much easier if we didn't have to plan it around how to procure a child.  Why can't we just have a baby the old fashioned way???