For the last 4 years, Mothers Day has been a sore spot with me. The pain and frustration has festered and grown every year. I know that my poor Mother probably thinks that I no longer wish to celebrate all that she has done for me throughout the years as I have gradually celebrated the day less and less. Don’t get me wrong, I still send her a card, get her a gift, and call her. It just isn’t with the enthusiasm that it used to be. I no longer say “Happy Mothers Day!!!!” with a bubble of excitement in my voice. I mumble the words because deep inside, my own heart is breaking. I am sure that she has experienced quite a bit of heartache over that one. I need to take lessons from my friend Katie who has warned her Mother that she will not be calling or celebrating what she refers to as “The Day Which Shall Remain Unnamed”. Anyway, I have digressed. Back to the holiday at hand.
For obvious reasons, Fathers Day is not as tough on me as Mothers Day. I still spend time grieving that day over the Fathers Day activities that we aren’t able to share in. I daydream over what a Fathers Day with children would be like and sadness settles around me like a dense fog. I have never specifically asked him about it, but Derek has never once mentioned that the day to celebrate Fathers has gotten to him.
Derek has always seemed so much better adjusted to our infertility than I am. He is THE eternal optimist. When I am crying over another month with negative results, he has always tried to cheer me up and say “Maybe next month…” I must also admit that this lack of emotionality on his part has led me to have resentment towards him thinking that it meant he must not really want children as much as I did.
And speaking of resentment - Derek has this crazy ability to switch off his emotions and deal with whatever crisis or situation is in front of him. Having an argument and arrive at the parents house? No problem, Derek exits the car with a smile on his face and I walk out with a long face. Having a slight disagreement? Derek can end the disagreement and start acting normal in a heartbeat and it takes me a while to get back to neutral. The boss asks you to do the stupidest thing you have ever heard of? Not a problem for Derek – he responds professionally and politely and never lets his emotions boil over and I would fume all day and type on my keyboard really hard. A major catastrophe occurs? Derek seems to be the calmest person in the world and I run around like Chicken Little screaming “The Sky is Falling!!!” This ability he has to control his emotions has often driven me NUTS!!!
Now, before anyone thinks that I am husband bashing, I should probably get to the point. Yesterday, I had a realization – a rare moment of clarity.
As we were driving down the road, Derek let me know that our IF has made Fathers Day difficult for him to deal with as well. It wasn’t a big speech on his part, only a couple of short statements about the activities we were missing out on and about feeling like we didn’t have this purpose in life that others had.
But this small portion of our conversation set my emotions off. I was so touched to hear him say that this was a tough holiday for him – in a way it validated the fact that he wants this as much as I do. But at the same time, my heart ached knowing that he was hurting over us not having a child. And then later, the realization hit me. It was like a light bulb went off in my head. Over the last 4 years, his lack of emotion in our infertility hasn’t necessarily been a lack of feelings, but his reaction to a crisis. MY crisis. He felt that someone needed to keep their wits about them – and it obviously wasn’t going to be me since I was sitting in the floor crying. Each time I was upset, my dear, sweet husband took on the role of being my rock – the one who had to keep things together because I was always falling apart.
And today I want to tell you all. One day, that man is going to make a WONDERFUL Father. I love you, Derek, for all that you are and all that I know you will be some day.
3 comments:
Carli, that was a wonderful post. Thank you so much for sharing. My husband is so much like Derek. During our IF he never seemed to be too bothered or frustrated but there were a few moments when his underlying emotions surfaced. You are very blessed to have such an amazing husband to be there to support you through all the hard things in life. I was always guilty of resentment at times toward my husband's lack of emotion but it's a wonderful realization to see that they hurt too, they just cope with it differently. You both are such wonderful people with a very strong marriage and as I've said before, some child is going to be extremely lucky to call you mom and dad.
Oooh, Carli I didn't see this post until right now. Give Derek a hug for me and tell him thanks for taking care of you, for me. We both may not be blessed with children (yet), but we are both blessed with amazingly wonderful husbands.
Oh, and I don't know if you want to take a lesson from me on the Mother's Day comment. I was being completely selfish about it- which is partly because I knew I wasn't going to get an adequately caring response from her on that day. Next year it won't be an issue for you though, I have a feeling! :)
Awww, that's such a sweet post. And so true! I do think men take this IF business in a completely different way than us girls. They put on a strong front but there are lots of feelings under that. My DH is just like yours and only here and there does he let his emotions betray him.
I agree with you, Derek and you will be fantastic parents one day. I do hope that day is coming very, very soon.
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