The Results are In

Derek had to go to work early this morning, so I got up early and tested (so that he could be home if it was a BFP). But, it was a negative glaring back at me. Digitally. No denying it.

A Digital Negative

So, I went back to bed until I had to be up. I didn't really sleep - I just laid there thinking and tried not to cry. I guess a part of me was still holding on to the hope that it was a false negative and I wasn't entirely ready to admit defeat. I got up and went for my B/W for the Beta.

Then, 6 hours later, the nurse called and shattered my hopes.

So, I guess we sit back and take it all in for a couple of days, pick ourselves up, and dust ourselves off. Once insurance has settled up with what they will pay for this round, we will move forward with our frostie.

Right now I feel so broken and beat down. I mean - what kind of person can have 6 freaking embryos transferred to her uterus and not have a single one stick? Granted, I know that the fragmentation means they have less of a chance, but seriously! And to think - I went into this process thinking that this was going to be it - Our big break. I was even naive enough to be thinking that I was going to end up PG with twins the first time around. And after 5 freaking months of IVF (if you include the 1 month break the last time), all of the time missed from work, all of the drugs in my body, all of the mental stress, and all of the money - here we are and we don't have SHIT to show for it.

Okay, so we have 1 on ice which is actually something to show for it, but you know what I mean.

So now, the type A comes out in me. Not every frozen one survives. I am afraid to Google about what % survives the freeze/thaw procedure. We only have 1 and my luck hasn't been that good lately. F$C%!!! I have asked by BBC (Baby Center) friends to Google it for me and see if I even want to know.

Now, the other thing rolling around my mind is our remaining options. We have our frostie, we have donor eggs, and we have donor embryos. Derek is still against adoption for several reasons that are all absolutely 100% valid. I know that if adoption is the only route we have left, he would probably change his mind. But, I need to hear him tell me that if I am the one who is broken and I can't get pregnant, that we will still have a family - some day, some way. I am feeling so anxious about the fact that we may never become parents that the rational side of my brain (who knows he would probably agree to adoption if we exhaust all other options) can't get through to the irrational part who is sobbing about the fact that I will never be a Mother. I will never hear a child call me "Mommy". I will never get to do any of those things that I feel that I was MADE to do. I don't want to consider the option that I will never get to watch Derek play catch with our child or read our child a bedtime story or dress them in clothes that don't match...

Maybe I should try to wrap my head around a childless existence. Maybe I do need to feel OK with that because it IS a possibility. Maybe that is the SANE thing to do.

But, considering the fact that I have ranted on and on, I think there is a possibility that I migt not BE sane.

And therefore, broken or not, I am not ready to give up on my dreams of being a mother and our dreams of having a family.