So, if you couldn't tell from the title, I think that birthdays suck. Or at least mine does. Okay, maybe not totally, but it was cause for tears more than once today.
The day started off pretty well. A very early phone call from my (not so) little brother, singing from Derek, a call from my Dad, a call from my Mom, another call from said (not so) little brother, gifts from my employees, lunch with 2 of my best girlfriends, a suprise gift in the mail from my Grandma...what most people would probably consider to be a stellar birthday.
But those people have not suffered through IF and weren't there with me at the coffee pot for the moment of clarity that I had that brought on the first wave of tears.
Was it that I am now officially 32??? Nope.
32 and childless? You are getting warmer...
It was the realization that 33 and childless is highly probable. That thought absolutely SUCKED! And it was reason to sob about being another year older before I even left the house for work.
Some of you may wonder how I got to this realization. Well, it is fairly simple. After our break from treatments, we will be attempting with our frostie starting at the beginning of August with a transfer date of mid September. If that doesn't work, it will be at least 6 to 12 months before we would be able to attempt with Donor embryos. B-E-A-UTIFUL. Another Christmas. Another Easter. Another Mother's Day. One more year of feeling broken.
Now, don't get me wrong. I am not ALL doom and gloom. I have already calculated when the due date would be if the frostie were to be successful and I do know that I could get a baby as a birthday present next year. But after so much disappointment, it is just hard to think that positively or be that hopeful anymore...
Anyway, I am another year older. Break out the bubbly. Just because I don't feel like celebrating doesn't mean I can't get drunk, right?
7 comments:
Oh Carli, I didn't even KNOW it was your birthday sweetie. HAPPY BIRTHDAY. I totally understand the birthday crap- I'm dreading my milestone birthday in September already and have been since last September for the exact same reason. How wonderful that you have so many caring people in your life that try to make your day great. I am drinking a non-alcoholic margarita right now, so I will toast to a stellar year ahead for you, even if your birthday today was not so stellar.
Love you.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! I'm so sorry you weren't able to escape IF for one day. Why can't birthday's be the one day that we're able to escape all this? DRINK UP HONEY! I'll be toasting to you tonight.
Love and Hugs!
That's right!! I hope you did get drunk last night. :) And I didn't know it was your birthday either...HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I'm sorry it was a bittersweet day for you. I'm glad your family & friends brought you a lot of happiness but I know you still feel a huge emptiness in your heart too. That's exactly how I felt last Christmas. The day was great, my family was wonderful, but I couldn't shake the feeling that something was missing from my life. I hope you do get an extra special birthday present next year. Love you!
Carli! I didn't know it was your birthday!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
I know how you feel. I have a birthday coming up and it's a lot bigger than yours so I understand.
But still, it's your birthday! The one day you get to do whatever you want. Go shopping, have your favourite meal, eat cake (there's no calories on cake on your birthday, did you know that?)
I declare this weekend your birthday weekend so you should do lots and lots of fun stuff on both days. Go crazy!
CARLI, HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY :-)
I am so sorry I missed wishing you well on your B-day yesterday. I know it didn't exactly go as well as you had hoped, and that it seems like if one more year has passed why wouldn't another year pass? I try not to think about things like that, but it's in the back of my head and when I'm feeling down it pops up. Just know I am so hopeful for your frostie and I am so hopeful for you and Derek to become parents within the next year. Love you bunches. Cheers!!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I'm obviously the slow one here. I had no idea it was your birthday either! I wish I would've posted sooner.
I'm so sorry that you weren't able to enjoy it as much as you deserved to. I can see how it would be a bittersweet day. Everything you two have gone through and endured the last several years has made facing another year that much harder. IF really ruins a lot of things that should be fun and enjoyable. You deserved to have a wonderful birthday and I'm so sorry that IF has put a damper on things. IF can suck it! Love you!
Hey there, I'm taggin' you with the Honest Scrap Award for your honest and heartfelt posts!
Congratulations!!!
http://tootles23.blogspot.com/2009/06/my-first-award.html
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