More specifically, the reminders of it.
You know how it is. As the TTC trouble grows, so do the reminders of your infertility.
There are OPKs under your sink; BBT thermometers on your nightstand; a calendar dedicated soley to your TTC journey - AF, O, BDing, OPK results, POAS results, which days to take which meds, U/S appointments, bloodwork, HSG; the folder of all of the research you have done and all of the test results; the discs with your 2 HSGs on them and the one with your MRI for your disfunctional uterus; the folder with all of the hospital documents from the one week in your life you were actually "one of them".
Then, there is all of the paperwork from your IVF cycles - pictures of embryos, transfer instructions, medication schedules...all of the unused syringes and the sharps container and the alcohol wipes...all of the remaining doses of Endometrim from the IVF cycle that you "might be pregnant" that you had to order *just in case* and then ended up not needing them.
Before you know it, this stuff is scattered all over your house. You open a cabinet door to pull out the recipe for Chicken Tetrazini and you see a whole shelf full of reminders staring back at you. (You then pull out the recipe for Chocolate Cake instead...)
The point is, although you may know that all of this stuff is scattered about your house and you probably know where every single item is, it still serves as a reminder of what will never be - EVERY WHERE YOU TURN.
So today, I did the only healthy thing I could think of. I packed it all up in a box and put it in the closet. I will have the documents if I ever need them. And I will have a sterile syringe should I ever need to give someone an injection of ???? STAT.
Packing all of the "IF Stuff" into a box makes me feel like I am packing my infertiltiy away, too. It feels healing - like I am moving on past the infertility to something bigger and better. The best way I can describe the feeling? Remember when you were young (long before you met Mr. Right) and some boy absolutely BROKE your heart? You really didn't want to give up on the dream of him, so you left out his pictures and the stuffed animal he won for you and when you felt like REALLY torturing yourself you took out the letters he wrote you and read them again? And then, one day (after a new boy had been flirting with you), you finally packed up all the memories and put them in a box in the basement. Remember how FREAKING AWESOME that felt???
Well, it is a lot like that. I feel great about it. It just seemed like it was something I needed to do to be really ready to move forward with adoption.
Besides, that kitchen cabinet shelf is valuable real estate and I needed it back!
7 comments:
Good, healthy, productive fun! Good for you! And your nice clean house.
It is a wonderful feeling to regain some control over your situation. Congratulations on this step towards your future and your family.
This post is so poetic. Granted I'm not where you are in my TTC journey, but I can relate to that feeling of wanting to heal. I think it's great that you packed up all of that stuff. It's a healthy step toward adoption. I can't wait to read about where the rest of that journey takes you!
Yay for you Carli! That took some strength, and if there's one thing I know about you- it's that you are one strong chick. I am so glad that it felt good to do that. Your comparison was perfect.
Congrats Carli, that's a huge step. I know it must have been really difficult, but I bet you feel a little better now that those things aren't out in the open staring you in the face. I really hope you hear some good news on the adoption front soon!
Your post puts packing up those ttc artifacts so eloquently. It can be sad, but it is by far more healing. It is something that you do when you are ready and in your own time. I know you have been praying for healing and I am glad you are finding it each step of the way. Love you!
I've done a little housekeeping myself recently. Now that we're taking a break, it felt good to tuck those reminders away. Not that we'll ever really forget about them or what we've gone through but it's nice not to see them on a regular basis.
I'm glad you were able to find some peace in consolidating your 'reminders'. And I'm with you, every inch of kitchen real estate is precious for me too!
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