AF, Where Are You???

After months and months of cursing my Auntie when she arrived, she has apparently taken the hint that I don't want her here.  Unfortunately, she didn't take the hint that I wanted her to disappear because I was pregnant.  She is just on vacation.  Maybe she decided to start celebrating the holidays early this year and booked herself a trip to Hawaii.  Can't say I would blame her, I guess.

So, I am currently on CD 48.  I have peed on several sticks and all have resulted in a glaringly obvious BFN. 

(Sidebar, I have decided to write the HPT companies to let them know that they need to create an HPT specificly for the infertile.  It would be sold in bulk - like 100 tests per box - and instead of a digital "Not Pregnant" staring back at you, they should come up with some interesting and amusing messages to let us know that, once again, it did not happen.  For instance, one could say "Have yourself a big glass of wine" or "Your husband would have better luck getting a positive by peeing on this stick."  Or maybe "Just how much money have you wasted on HPTs now?"  Or "Stock up on the Mydol, AF is a coming!"  Anything besides that missing second line or that damned Not Pregnant.  Your ideas can be submitted to me if you would like to add to the list of possibilities...)

Anyway, the RE's office says to give it a few more days and test again (out of tests, add another $15 to my tally of amount wasted on HPTs).  They suggested that if that was negative, I should come in for some bloodwork and they could start me on progesterone.  Grand.

Also - just in case you want to know my theories of why AF is absent? 

My first theory is that she is waiting to show up while we are traveling to visit Derek's family up north for Christmas.

The second theory I have (and my personal favorite) is that I think my uterus is on strike.  She has decided that since I am not capable of conceiving a child, it is just a waste of her time and energy to fluff up that lining only to abandon it every SINGLE month.  And I can't say I blame her.

AF still has not arrived.

Why, Oh Why, Do I Do This To Myself???

AF is late.  I had some spotting mid week last week and was sure she was about to arrive, but she never showed.  And although I know that it is absolutely ridiculous for me to even THINK that there is a chance that we could have gotten pregnant this month, that is exactly what I found myslef thinking this weekend.  Funny enough, Derek asked me if she had arrived, I answered No, and he responded with "Wouldn't it be funny if after all of this we got pregnant this month?"  Yup.  That would be pretty darned funny.  Especially since we didn't really try at all this month.  We didn't prevent, but there was no temping, no OPKing, no U/S to look at folicles, no shots in the stomach, no pills to make me grow more follies, no meds to grow my uterine lining...you get the picture.  Wouldn't it be freakin' hilarious if "Aunt Jane" was right and all we had to do was relax???

I actually spent some time contemplating if our faint HCG numbers last month at 8.8 that had fallen to 3 had somehow miraculously turned around and gone back up.  A highly unlikely explanation, I assure you (and probably not a single recorded case in history) but the thought still crossed my mind.  Especially since that would make more sense than us getting pregnant on our own without medical assistance.

Regardless, I have been a little concerned about it.  I have been on a self imposed hiatus from prenatal vitamins since the last beta.  To be honest, I haven't even been taking a multivitamin with much regularity this month.  And on top of that, I have not held back from partaking in several alcoholic beverages.  I haven't been staggering drunk by any means, but red wine and I have been good friends the last 4 weeks.

But she hasn't shown up yet.  And I felt a bit queasy most of the day.  It was like deja vu - boob grabbing and all (not sore BTW).  So, just a few minutes before I began this post, I completed the familar task of peeing on a stick.  It was a cheap Dol.lar.Store test but it was all I had in the house.  So I went for it.  Of course, it was a BFN.  I expected no more than 1 line to show up.

The reason I am posting about this is that, strangely enough, even with all we have been through and knowing that there is really not a chance for us to conceive, after all this time and all of the disappointment that we have been through, there I was again - hoping.  I wonder if it will ever REALLY go away.  Will there come a time (when we are sitting around with our adopted child/children) and AF is late and I don't spend half of the day thinking about whether or not I might be FINALLY be pregnant???

I hope that day comes.  But even if it doesn't?  I would settle for wondering about it while sitting around with my future children...

I guess I will give it a couple more days to see if she shows up before I contemplate the possibility anymore.  I will probably be a good girl and take my vitamins and stay away from the wine for the next couple of days, just in case, though.

Another 3,001 Factors in the Great Debate

Well, after a friend of mine announced her pregnancy today (UGH - I am not going to go into how I feel about THAT one), I determined that it was time to make the phone call to the Donor Embryo place to get answers to some of our questions.

The good news is that I did find out some answers.  The bad news is that I am not entirely happy with what I found out.

Firstly, the 6 months to a year time frame quoted in my first call to them months ago was a little off.  The actual time frame is at least 10 months.  Possibly longer.  Yup.  Great news.  And there is nothing that I could be working on right now.  It is all on THEIR time frame.  That is so WONDERFUL since I am known for my patience.  Umm, right.

The even BETTER news?  They have added a new fee to their plethera of existing fees.  The original stated cost was somewhere between 5,000 and 7,000.  There were additional possible costs of about 2,000 for STD testing and fees passed on from the donor couple to the recipient couple.  And that doesn't include the medications or the visits to a local RE for monitoring during the cycle.  The new fee is 3,000 for councelling for both the donor and the receipient couples.  3,000 worth of counselling?  I mean, how many f-ing sessions is THAT???  Like 15 per couple???

But back to my original train of thought here.  That gets us up to 8,000 to 10,000 just at the base cost.  Possibly 10,000 to 12,000.  And then add in the meds and the additional clinic costs for the cycle monitoring.  PER ATTEMPT.

I know that the financial implications shouldn't be the sole deciding factor in how we grow our family.  I KNOW THIS.  But, in making this decision, we also have to evaluate how this will effect us financially if it doesn't work and we needed to move on to Plan Z (aka Adoption).

And, really, if the donor embryo route will be possibly 12,000 - and comparitively, adoption would be 15,000 or more, wouldn't it make more sense (financially) to spend the extra 3,000 or so and actually take home a baby?

Crap.  Does anyone have a paper bag I can borrow?  I think I need to breathe into it...

The Great Debate - Donor Embryos Vs. Adoption

Sigh.  So many things to consider in the Donor Embryos Vs. Adoption debate.

So we sat down last weekend and had a heart to heart.  I haven't posted about it up until now (over a week later) because I have been taking time to process it all.

After much discussion, Derek's take on the subject was that he would prefer to try donor embryos first but would support me if I wanted to skip forward to adoption.

He left it in my hands.

So, for those of you who don't "know" me, making decisions is NOT my strong suit.  I am terrible at it.  I can go round and round in circles for hours days weeks and still not have a definitive decision.  This creates much strife for me because I also do much better when I have a plan.  So you can see the dillema here, can't you???

If you could have been inside my head over the last couple of weeks, you would have heard something similar to the following:

Hmmm.  Maybe we should just adopt.   It is pretty much a sure thing.  Fill out some papers - I can do that. Bide our time - OK, so I am not the most patient person in the world, but we are already 4 1/2 years into this now and still no baby - I think I can stick it out for a few months.  Throw some cash at it - we have some money in savings.  Take home a baby.  Sounds like a PLAN.  But wait - I know that Derek says that he will go with what I want to do, but if he isn't 100% ready for adoption, would he resent ME for making this decision?  Or even worse, would he resent this baby because of a decision I made??? 

And really, even though I would prefer for someone to just hand me the prize, am I ready to give up on carrying a child, even if it isn't genetically related to me?  I mean - I have always wanted to have that experience of the first ultrasound where you see the sac, hear the heartbeat for the first time, watch my baby grow, rub my swollen belly, feel my baby move inside me for the first time, watch Derek rub my stomach and see his excitement when he feels our child moving inside me for the first time.  Granted, labor is something I wouldn't mind missing - but that moment where they lie that newborn all nasty on your chest...I don't know if I want to give that up!!!

So donor embryos then.  After all, in our original "what if IVF doesn't work" plan, that was THE PLAN.  Donor embryos was the next step. I should call and ask some more questions, fill out the application, and send in our money.  I can call and schedule our home visit and get that taken care of.  And when we had a transfer of a blastocyst I did get slightly pregnant, so maybe our chances are good.

But what if it doesn't work? What if we go through the everything required and put in the time and money and hormones and shots and effort of this process and then end up with a (still) emtpy uterus?  The wait is between 6 months to a year!  So a year from now, we could be right back where we are now!  Maybe I should just save us the time, money and the heartache and decide adoption...

So as you can see, a decision has been eluding me and I am pretty much dizzy from turning in circles...and I have had a couple of panic attacks.

My current stance is that if I am still holding on so tightly to my desire to carry a child AND since that is Derek's preference, that I should just make the decision of donor embryos.  I think I am to a point now that I can say that is our next step in my head and I don't feel an overwhelming sense of panic.  Most of the time, anyway.

I think I will call the Donor Embryo place to ask some questions and fill out the application.  Hopefully between those two actions, I will know if this is the right choice...

Holy Moly, AF is a B-IATCH

To start off - I need to thank anyone who returned to this blog after reading my last post.  I promise I am normally more level headed than that. 

And thank you for the lovely comments.  I know that I am allowed to be angry and I know I am allowed to focus on a minute detail if that is all I can focus on.  I think my biggest problem was the fact that I had this overwhelming feeling that I was a baby killer.  I also know that my uterus has not been proven to be defective and that I should not think that way - but I was just a bit freaked out.  Freak out moment over, I promise. 

As far as my sanity is concerned, I think it is coming back around.  Derek and I still have some talking to do.  I always feel better about things when I have a plan and the lack of a definite plan was not helping.  We still aren't set on a plan, but I have been moving towards figuring out a plan, and that helps.

I have been contacting the people I know who have adopted to find out more about their stories.  I am scheduling dinner with one of the couples so that we can talk with them.  We have discussed that we will be possibly talking to an adoption specialist to learn all the details about both international and domestic adoptions.  And, we will be making some calls to the donor embryo place to learn all of the details of that type of transaction.  Hopefully, knowledge will be one of the keys to making a decision.

Oh, and I made a decision about my tag line...

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On to the reason for this actual post.  AF has arrived.  With a vengence.  This next section might get a bit graphic, but I will try to keep it as nice as possible considering the subject matter.

After going through 2 failed IVF cycles, I thought I knew what to expect when the bitch showed up.  Boy was I wrong.

I awoke Thursday morning at 2 a.m. with some pretty nice cramps.  I got up to check and found that AF had graced me with her presence.  I took care of the necessary arrangements and went back to bed.  Or so I thought.  The cramping intensified greatly.  I began to hurt all the way through to my back and started having quite a bit of pressure down below.  I kept going to the bathroom thinking that a BM was necessary.  Diarrhea arrived.  The flow of AF was VERY clotty, even more so than my first miscarriage or IVF cycle.  The pain got to the point that I was nauseous.  I finally took a pain pill (left over from the egg retrieval), grabbed the heating pad, and laid back down.  At around 6:30 in the morning, I was sitting on the toilet and puking into the trashcan.  I was seriously concerned that something inside had ruptured or something and I was considering a trip to the ER.  We finally got in touch with the RE's office.  The nurse informed me that this was NORMAL. 

WTF???

She actually made it sound like some women go through this EVERY month.  Bless their hearts if they do.  I explained to her that I normally had pretty strong cramps and that my miscarriage was nothing in comparrison to this pain.  She then informed me that since I did have HCG in my system, that this WAS a miscarriage and that it would be painful.  (Thanks for the heads up BEFORE AF showed...)

Anyway, as you all know by now, I survived.  Today was not nearly as bad.  And, just so you all know - Derek was SO sweet.  He stayed home with me until he was sure that the pain was at a tolerable level and took care of me.  I really am so happy to have him as a husband.

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Also - I am not sure of how one should actually answer a question from a comment - I was afraid to answer in the comments for fear that she wouldn't see the answer.  So please forgive me if this is an inappropriate...
Tina - in answer to your question, we don't know where our fragmentation comes from.  We had insurance infertility coverage for a certain dollar amount and it did not cover any treatments where donors were used.  We determined we would exhaust our coverage with our own goods and see where we ended up.  After looking at the financial implications of donor services (i.e. donor eggs or IVF with donor sperm), we determined that donor embryos or adoption would be our next step.

Not Our Miracle

Although I heard the news on Monday afternoon, I am still processing it and dealing with how I feel.  The hopeful 8.8 that we heard on Friday had dropped to 3.9 by Monday.  The nurse said it was now a negative and I didn't have to return anymore for follow up bloodwork and to stop taking my meds.

I have stopped taking everything.  Every time I use the restroom, I expect for AF to be arriving but she hasn't shown her ugly face yet.  With every twinge down there, I think about her pending arrival - how when she shows, that thick beautiful lining that I worked so hard to build up will be shedding from the walls of my uterus and bringing with it my precious little embryo that just wasn't strong enough.  It won't resemble much and probably won't even be visable in the post-IVF hell that shows after an unsuccessful transfer...

What I really feel like posting about right now is not our future options or how I know I will come out stronger on the other side.  What I really feel like posting about is something that is so minute that it shouldn't even be entering my contious thoughts.  Really - you will think I am nuts.

What is this trivial item???

My tag line on my the BBC. 

As I contemplated the shedding of my uterine lining, I wondered "Does this count as a miscarriage?  Should I update my tag line on BBC to 2 Angels?"  But the worst part about this is that in this thought pattern, I realized that really, throughout this IVF process, I didn't have just 1 Angel.  My total embryos transferred has been 7 which brings my total of known live embryos in my uterus to 8.  And there were 18 more that never made it out of the petri dish.  Crap.  That is a total of 27 known embryos of ours that never stood a chance. 

27. 

That is a lot of babies that I have been unable to bring into this world safely.  I half jokingly told my best friend over lunch that I felt like a baby killer.  I know.  That is an absolutely TERRIBLE way to look at this situation.  Really, someone probably needs to slap some sense into me for having these thoughts.

But I guess what makes me so worried about this number?  Why would anyone chose to give me THEIR babies to grow in my uterus if I couldn't get my own to nestle down in there???? 

Logic tells me that the fragmentation means some sort of genetic anomaly that prevented me from carrying a child of our own to term and that any strong healthy blastocyst would stand a chance.  After all, Dr. C told me that my uterus is just fine even though it has it's own anomaly.  And logic would also argue that the only blastocyst we transferred at least implanted and gave us an HCG of 8.8.

But that damned emotional/hormonal/irrational side of myself is screaming that I don't stand a chance at carrying a baby so why even bother to try someone else's embryos?  Wouldn't I just end up losing them too and having to add them the list of carnage???  It is screaming at me to just give up any hope of ever seeing an ultrasound with my baby in it.  It yells to forget about feeling the baby move or kick for the first time.  It tells me that I should not even bother about daydreaming about Derek kissing my swollen belly and looking at me in awe as he gets to feel it move for the first time.  It whispers that having a nurse hand you your baby all covered in goo after labor is over-rated.  It taunts that breastfeeding will never be in my future.

Maybe I should just remove anything about angels from my tag line on the BBC.  It makes the decision that much easier.  Besides - I think I would have some people un-friend me with a statistic like 27 angel babies in my tag line.  Yup.  That sounds like a plan.

Shit - I guess I should sign off while I can.  I think I see a man with a straight jacket coming for me.  And even if he wasn't on his way, some of you that know my home address might be sending him FOR me after reading THIS post. 

Oh, and Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde can eat their heart out.  Leave it to a woman with infertility to really go ape-shit nuts!  I think I have them beat.