I'm Scared

I haven’t caved in and tested yet.  I thought about it this morning.  I even opened the drawer and looked at the box, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it.

At this point, I haven’t POAS in over a year.  Not for OPKs and not for HPTs.  I haven’t had any need to.  AF has arrived right on schedule every month.  And, let’s face it.  After having 26 embryos not make it, I am pretty sure that it would be an absolute miracle if we ended up with a natural pregnancy.

I guess I had forgotten just how much anxiety that HPTs cause for me.  I have only seen that elusive BFP once in my life.  ONCE.  On a Cle.ar Bl.ue Ea.sy Digital.  But I have seen more BFNs that I can count OR I care to mention.  Digitally, Single Lined, in my blood.  You name it, I’ve had it telling me that I won’t be a mommy.  But when you haven’t been actively pursuing treatments, it is really easy to push the heartache of all of those BFNs to the back of your mind.

Maybe I should revise that statement.  It isn’t as if I forgot about all of those BFNs.  It is just that the intense pain of seeing another one is easier to forget about.  Every day, I still remember that I can’t have children as easily as others.  And every day I wish that was different.  But I don’t spend every day staring down at another BFN with tears streaming down my face.

This last year of not actively “trying” has been a nice break from all of that heartache.  It wasn’t as if AF showing up didn’t make me feel pain.  But at least I wasn’t cursing her name every month.  It was just a fact of life.  She came, she left, she came again.  I know all of you that have taken a break know what I mean.  The pain is still there, but the wound is scabbed over and has been healing.  It is no longer gaping and bleeding and throbbing with every breath you take.  And testing to see if this Hail Mary cycle has worked?  Well, it is like ripping off the bandage that is covering that wound.  You don’t know if you are going to be pulling the scab off and starting the pain all over again or if you are going to see some healthy pink skin leaving only a scar to remind you of all that you went through to get here.

This is it for us. 

Unless we somehow are gifted some embryos, we won’t have the opportunity for another try with Donor Embryos.  Since we went through our clinic, we get one shot with 2 embryos when our name reaches the top.  There is no second chance unless we go back to the bottom of the list and wait another 2 years.  I know there are other options and places to get donor embryos.  But I don’t know if I am up to investing in a totally new program at this point.  If I have to go through a home study to get embryos, I think I will just complete the home study for adoption instead.

This morning, after I shut the drawer and got in the shower, just thinking about testing made my heart race and it made me feel very anxious.  I haven’t been able to shake that feeling since then.

My heart is pounding even as I type this.  Maybe it is the finality of it all.  But I am really scared that I will see another BFN staring back at me and I don’t know if I can do this.  I don’t know if I can take another one.  I really want to see a scar there, but I am so afraid that it is just going to be an open wound staring back at me…